Page 45 of Vespertine

Crystal smiled but it wobbled at the edges. “I don’t thinkso, but thank you for the invitation. And yes, do stop by soon. And Jasper, don’tbe too quick to trust that—”

“Bye, Mom,” Jasper softly said, and he pushed off on hisbike, listening to the rush of asphalt under his wheels to drown out anythoughts. Inevitably they circled around to Nicky anyway and while he couldrecite ten Our Fathers to keep his mind away from him, it felt like a coward’sway out.

I’m sure you’ve got plenty of friends.

Did he? Mrs. Wells and Andrew counted as friends, sure, butthey weren’t people he invited for dinner or a drink. He had his parishionersand he had the kids at Blue Oasis. The only true friend he could count wasThomas, a man in his seventies. Did he need Nicky as much as Nicky needed him?And could that lead anywhere but down a road full of heartache?

Am I being tempted, Father? Are youtesting me? Should I turn away from him and look for the true path You havelaid out for me?

His mind rebelled so hard at the thought he could barelykeep his bike straight.I can’t abandon him and I don’t wantto believe in a God who’d expect me to.

Jasper held his breath, half expecting to be struck down,but of course nothing happened because that wasn’t God’s way. His phone chirpedin his pocket but Jasper ignored it. The evening continued to buzz with thesong of cicadas. Fragrant heat of the day released from the earth as he passedby strips of wood and water. He was nothing but a speck in the existence of theworld—nothing special at all to garner God’s attention—and yet, as a kid, he’dfelt God like a relentless presence.

Do I still feel that way?

He’d experienced a warm flutter in his heart while playingwith Nicky—the kind he used to associate with his calling—but now it had beenat the sight of Nicky grinning and his eyes twinkling, so different from theangry, sunken-eyed man who’d stared him down at the pool.Ijust want him to be well again. And even if the sentiment stemmed from asea of guilt, it was still a good one.

The fact that his mother wanted him to stay away from Nicky…He frowned.

Jasper turned right onto the gravel path that would take himdown a short-cut home and pulled his bike to a stop in a cloud of dust. Alittle creek ran down the side of the path and if he stayed here too long he’dbe covered in mosquito bites.

He knew he didn’t have Nicky’s number but he had a gutfeeling… There was a message waiting for him, and he let out a shuddery breath.Was it a sign?

Safe ride home, Father Jazz.

It took a while to type out the message because Jasper’sfingers shook so hard.

If you could go back in time and talk toyour younger self, what would you tell him?

It took a full minute for a reply bubble to appear, and itdisappeared and reappeared three times before it remained for any length oftime. Jasper felt like he’d been holding his breath for far too long by thetime the answer came.

I’d tell myself not to be so afraid. Totry to make a connection with my mom and dad. I’d tell myself to test myself-imposed boundaries because the cage isn’t real.

Jasper stared at the text as the world turned dark aroundhim. Another text bubble popped up.

Was that too much? Were you thinkingmore along the lines of last week’s lottery numbers? Or maybe don’t do drugs?

No,Jasper replied.Your answer was perfect.

Well, what about you, then?

Jasper didn’t reply. Instead he scrolled through hiscontacts and pressed call.

“Mom, when you grounded me for getting high that one timewith Nicky and Jimmy, did I put up a fight?”

“Jasper? What’s going on? Are you home yet?”

“Almost. Was I mad at you guys?”

“If this is something that boy is—”

“Can you please just answer the question? I…find it hard toremember that summer.” It was a blur of heartache and prayer he’d tried so hardto forget.

His mother was silent for a while and when she spoke, shesounded subdued. “You were distraught for days and days. I’d never seen you soupset before. Your father and I…we often talked about lightening yourpunishment because you refused to talk to us. You barely ate or left your room,which was so very unlike you. In the end I made you tell me” —she breathedsharply through her nose— “what was going on. With the…being gay, and thatNicholas was your boyfriend. I…we were shocked, your father and I, but we toldyou we loved you the way you are.”

Jasper closed his eyes. “And you told me about howeverything I felt had been fueled by hormones. An infatuation, you said.”

“I was right, Jasper,” his mom said, sounding entirely tooreasonable. “I told you I knew a boy when I was seventeen—”