Page 23 of Vespertine

“Dad, Jazz got tome,” Nickywhispered.

“How?” Adrian asked, and he sounded so sincere and so hurt,like he’d tried so hard to break Nicky free and it broke his heart that he’dfailed.

“I don’t know. A kid-sized crowbar maybe.” Nicky rememberedthe way Jazz had shown up that first day after the Hendrickses had moved innext door. He’d been all dirty knees and elbows, his hair a paler shade ofbrownish-blond than it was now, and his eyes had peered right into Nicky’ssoul. With his first words, “Hey, my name’s Jasper,” he’d somehow grabbed holdof Nicky’s hands and pulled him out of the cage he’d been in his whole life. He’dmade him a real boy.

Fucking Jazz.

“I don’t know how he did it. I wish I did.”Sometimes I wish he hadn’t.

Adrian cleared his throat. “He was a good boy, and he’sgrown into a good man.”

Nicky snorted. “Pretty much the opposite of me then.”

“Nicky, that’s not what I meant.”

Nicky shrugged. “I know.”

“Still, you could learn a lot from a man like him.”

Yes, he could learn how to suck cock and take it up the buttlike a champ. Oh, wait, but Jazz had taught him those lessons and then declinedto teach him about sticking around for the long haul. And when Jazz had left,that old cage had descended around Nicky again. He’d heard the iron door slamand the lock engage the night Jazz had walked away.

This—this attempt with his parents—it was the first time he’dever been able to get out of that cage since then. It was amazing andheartbreaking to find that when he pushed, the door swung right open. Nickyknew it was the work of the new cocktail of antidepressants and maintenancemeds, but a lurking fear surfaced that maybe he’d just never really fuckingtried.

“I don’t think he wants to teach me anything, Dad.”

“Jasper has missed you in his life.”

Nicky snorted. “I think you’re wrong.”

Adrian gazed kindly at Nicky. “He cared about you too muchfor too long for that to be true.”

Nicky turned his head away and looked out the window. Itwasn’t that he was ashamed. He’d tell his father everything if he could, butdespite a sad, sick part of him that still wanted retribution for the painJasper had caused him, he didn’t want to ruin Jazz’s life. And if word gotaround that he was a gay priest who’d once fucked someone like Nico Blue? Well,that wouldn’t recommend him highly to his parishioners, would it?

No, if Nicky was going to take a pound of Jazz’s flesh itwas going to be one-on-one. It wouldn’t involve anyone else. Though, dammit, hewas supposed to be making amends. That was a step, wasn’t it? One of thetwelve. Not that he considered himself a devotee of that process. He believed ahigher power would keep him from using again, and that higher power was hismaintenance medication.

Nicky scratched his arms, conscious of the scars under hislong sleeves. “How much wood are we picking up today?”

Taking the hint, Adrian said, “Thought we’d price it atElkin’s Hardware and then see how that compares with Lowes’. If it’s good, we’llgo ahead and order what we need. We want you to stay busy. It’s important.”

“Been talking to Dr. Lewis?” Nicky had been a patient of Dr.Lewis for most of his childhood. He was a nice man, and he’d tried, butattachment disorders were stubborn diagnoses and the options had been evenfewer back then.

“Yes, he took my call this morning. He’s not extremelywell-versed on addiction issues, but he’s helped some local adolescents aroundtown get and remain sober. We discussed the importance of staying busy andhaving a good game plan for the future.”

“As it happens, my therapist agrees,” Nicky said,remembering his phone call with her the prior morning. She might be in L.A. andthe phone appointments might be less personal than if they met face-to-face,but Nicky didn’t mind. It felt safer saying things to her over the phone,without the pressure of looking at her face. “So I’m thinking I could trytackling the entire stairway down to the dock, and the dock itself could usesome work. I’ll see about fixing the truck’s AC too.”

“And maybe you could ask Jasper about volunteeropportunities through his church,” Adrian said. “Your mother thinks helpingothers might do you good. Raise your spirits and change your perspective.”

Nicky shrugged. “Maybe. We’ll see how it goes with the dockfirst.”

“Jasper’s group—”

Nicky interrupted him. “Mind if I turn on the radio?”

Adrian motioned at the dash and Nicky pressed the knob. Itwas already on a local rock station and, as they turned down Androscoggin,Vespertine’s first big hit single started to play. Nicky tilted his head,really listening to the cut for the first time in years.

Sez’s scratchy tenor started out gentle and loving, andthen, at the chorus broke into a rage.

I bleed for you