Page 4 of Vespertine

“Get it the fuck together! Didn’t I already tell you whattime it is, shitheads?” Harry shouted. His blond hair shone green in theoff-color light in the hallway leading to the stage itself. “Show-fucking-time!”

Sez bounced up, green eyes flashing and blond hair spikedwith enough gel to put out an eye. Mick followed him up, his tight Greek-fropiled high and jiggling as he bobbed his head to the stomping beat from theaudience. Both of them twitched with fresh energy. Coked up and ready. Sezpounded his chest the way he always did before a show. “Fuck yeah!” He grabbedMick by the back of the neck and laid a kiss on him.

Mick returned Sez’s kiss heartily before rearing back andpunching him as they broke apart. Ramona gasped. Sez’s lip bloomed red and hismouth cracked open in a wide scarlet-tinged smile as he threw his head back andlaughed. “Fuck you too, bastard.”

“Tonight. After. If you can keep your limp dick hard.”

Sez charged out the door, arms pumping in the air, and bloodrunning down his chin. “Showtime, pussies!” he yelled back at them.

Nicky heard the audience growing impatient, the thud oftheir boots and shoes on the floor speeding up until it was just a blur ofvicious noise.

Ramona pointed her drumsticks at Mick. “We don’t need this.We’ve got enough trouble in this band without throwing this in the mix.”

“He started it.”

She pinched the bridge of her nose before turning to Harry,inclining her head in Nicky’s direction. “You leave him alone.” Harry quirkedan eyebrow at her. “I mean it. Just get him on stage. Don’t fuck him up anymore than he is now.”

“No promises.”

Ramona sighed and followed Mick and Sez out the door.

It was just Nicky in the dressing room then. Well, Nicky anda giant pile of coke and a tour manager who didn’t have time for his shit.

“Here,” Harry said, squatting down across from Nicky andpicking up the white-dusted razor blade Mick had tossed haphazardly aside. “Youjust need a little to get through the show.”

“I don’t want to,” Nicky said. His voice sounded small, likehe was little Nicky admitting that he’d broken Mrs. Hendricks’s special chinaJesus that her grandmother had left her, and expecting to be loved for it,expecting to be taken into a forgiving embrace and told it was okay. Thateverything was gonna be okay.

Harry was not Adrian or Miriam Blumfeld.

“Come on, handsome. This’ll wake you up yeah? Just a littlebit to perk you up, and once you’re on stage, you’ll be flying. You hear that?”Harry tilted his head to the side.

Ni-co, Ni-co, Ni-co.

“I’m tired, Harry.”

“Yeah. Fuck that.”Bye bye, nice Harry.“There’s five thousand people out there waiting for you. Get your ass up andget the fuck out there.” He cut the three lines and tapped the table with theblade. “Tired isn’t in the job description, Nico.”

Nico Blue.

When had he ever thought that was a cool persona? Whatwouldn’t he give to be back home in Little Heights again? Why couldn’t he goback to being the kid who was immature for his age, awful at being human, andloved despite his damage? He wanted a magic portal to drop him back in the oldfort on the island. Surely he could find Jazz still there too, and Honey withher cold, wet nose, like always. Like every summer day of his youth.

“Goddammit,” Harry’s voice growled but after a short silencehe spoke again, his tone gentle. Yet not a scrap of real tenderness underscoredhis sugared words. “Come on, buddy. Just a line or two, okay? You’ll feelbetter. A few more shows and then you’ll get a rest. You can do this. I knowyou can. You don’t want to let anyone down, do you?”

Nicky didn’t. He’d let too many people down already. His momand dad, and Jazz, of course. He’d made it almost his life’s mission to letJazz down. Because if he couldn’t touch him, he had to get under his skin insome other way. Jazz had such beautiful skin. And his eyes. His eyes were—

“Here, doesn’t that taste good?” Harry dipped his finger inthe coke and shoved it into Nicky’s mouth, rubbing the powder against his gums.Flinching away, Nicky fell backward. Harry’s finger tasted of stale cigarettesmoke and old sweat, but Nicky’s gums went numb and he licked his lips. “Nico,look.” Harry scooped some coke onto the flat of his thumbnail. He held itbeneath Nicky’s nose. “Sniff.”

It was life burning into his nostrils. Life with a glint ofhellfire.

Make me strong. Make me whole again.Make me Nico Blue.

He leaned over and took in a line on his own. Then another.Then a last one for good measure.

The room brightened, expanded, and contracted as Nicky’spupils blew wide. His heart pounded, his skin prickled, and his eyes watered ashe got to his feet.

“Ready?” Harry sounded put out.

Nicky wiped at his nostrils and nodded before following himout into the hall. His breath came quickly and a dull-edged smile spread overhis face like the drugs had drawn it on with crayons. He paused by the edge ofthe stage and closed his eyes. Facing out toward the chanting wild crowd whoneeded him—needed his music—his blood pulsed in his temples, in his throat, andtingled in his tongue.