Page 119 of Vespertine

“Keshaun? This is Father Hendricks, although I think thekids are calling him Father Jazz these days.”

The boy lifted his head and turned around. Jasper had to doeverything in his power to keep his expression under control and he steppedforward to kneel beside the boy. He would do whatever it took to keep BlueOasisLGBTQonly. Whatever it took.

“Nice to meet you Keshaun,” he said, and because he couldn’tignore it, “Are you okay?”

Keshaun glanced at Mrs. Wells and nodded once.

“A foster brother found out he’s gay,” she said. “You’relooking at the result. The social worker called me this morning and I pickedhim up straight from the ER.”

“Well.” Jasper tried to look past the black eye, the swollencheekbone, the stitches on his forehead and the missing tooth. No doubt theill-fitting clothes hid a whole other world of pain. “Welcome home, Keshaun.How about we show you to your room and you can get settled in for a littlewhile. On Mondays in the summer holiday, Mrs. Wells sets up an art class forthose who are interested. It starts at eleven, and then I’ll be around forlunch again. Does that sound good?” Keshaun nodded. “If you don’t feel up tosocializing yet, I understand.”

“No, I’d like to come. They’re all…the others…?” Keshaunlooked at Jasper with his one good eye full of hope and fear.

“Like you?” Jasper asked softly. Keshaun nodded. “Yes.Everyone here, excluding Mrs. Wells, is either gay, lesbian, transgender, orbisexual, or any combination thereof.”

“Even…?”

Jasper smiled. “Even me? Yes.”

“Okay.” Keshaun looked down, and Jasper saw a single tearfall to the boy’s knee. He looked like a ten-year-old, but Jasper guessed hewas more a malnourished fourteen-year-old.

“You hungry, Keshaun? We can make a detour to the kitchenand check out the fridge.” Jasper leaned in and whispered, “I have a terriblesweet tooth.”

Keshaun didn’t laugh, but he looked less sad when he noddedand stood.

“After you, Father,” Mrs. Wells said, and she too looked alittle teary-eyed. “Off to raid the fridge, and then I was thinking the room atthe end of the third floor would work nicely.”

Because of the kids’ orientations it seemed a little sillyto keep the halls separate by gender, so they were all mixed together. Boys andgirls and those who identified to certain genders flocked to the same bathroomsanyway. The room Mrs. Wells was talking about would be beside Lizzie. It had agreat western exposure, with an amazing view of the town and the bay beyond it.On clear days the sunsets were mind-blowing. “Yes,” Jasper said. “That wouldwork very well.”

While Mrs. Wells helped Keshaun pile up a plate full offood, Jasper fingered his phone, his thumb hovering over a text to Adrian. Hehesitated and put his phone away again. Not yet. He’d talk to Thomas first.

Jasper walked to the church and nodded to the people he meton the way. The sky was stark blue, not a cloud in sight, and the tall spire ofthe neo-Gothic building rose high and dizzying above him. Jasper fingered thewooden doorframe before he entered the church, but the usual rush of gratitudeand peace didn’t come.

It was cool inside, and he fought the urge to unbutton thecollar of his shirt. The white strip felt suffocating, like a heavy weightaround his neck. Not about to fool himself this time, he realized he wasfeeling the lingering longing for Nicky; the wish to be near him, to have the immediategratification of being needed by someone else and being free to need in return.

All these years. Did I fool myself, or is this, like Nickysaid, an interlude? Will this longing and pain fade like it did when we wereseventeen? Or will I learn to live with it? Did it ever fade?He tilted hishead and stared up into the rafters of the gorgeous nave. Here too, the sunreached him and he tried to feel God’s scorn, but there was nothing.

“Father.”

He jolted and turned to see Thomas standing behind him. “Thomas.”He sighed in relief at the sight of his mentor.

“Are you all right? You look exhausted.”

“Yes. I just…” He buried his face in his hands and shook hishead. “I don’t know.” Thomas put his hand on Jasper’s shoulder, and the weightof it comforted him. He’d been so starved of touch for so long. How could helearn to live without it again?

“You sure you need the confessional?” Thomas asked himgently.

“Yes—” Jasper began, but stopped himself. He only wanted itso he could hide behind the grid. No more hiding. “No. We can do it here.”

Thomas nodded once and gently guided Jasper into one of thepews. “Tell me what’s wrong. Take all the time you need.”

Jasper tucked his hands between his knees. “Do you rememberthat old lover I told you about?”

“Yes, of course.”

“I…I gave in to temptation.” Jasper waited for a reaction,but none came. Thomas watched him steadily. “It was…this weekend. I know itsounds weak, but I couldn’t have stopped it any more than an oncoming train.I-I love him. I think I always did.” Jasper glanced at Thomas. His expressionwas grave, but he didn’t look angry or shocked.

When he didn’t go on, Thomas said, “You wouldn’t be thefirst priest to stray from the path of virtue, Jasper. Not even the first to doit with a man. All that matters is where you want to go from here on out. Areyou repentant?”