Page 32 of Vespertine

“So, some people are in the gay closet and you were, what?In the priestly closet?”

“That’s right.”

“When did you get the call? You never mentioned it.” Nickyplucked a piece of grass and twirled it between his fingers.

“I loved being in the church. I could feel God all aroundme. Then I started feeling him everywhere else too.”

“What’s that like?”

Jazz tilted his head back and his collar shifted, exposingthe flat, dark mole that Nicky had once kissed with so much passion. “RememberMrs. Daniels? How when we were ten she lost her husband and then that same weekher house burned down?”

“And then the rich aunt passed away and left her a shitloadof money, yeah I remember that.”

“I thought, that’s the hand of God. That is God interferingwith this woman’s fate.”

Nicky grimaced. “So God just happened to decide that Mrs.Daniels deserved financial compensation to deal with her grief, but JoeGalgovitch, whose wife died of breast cancer and left him destitute with atwo-year-old, was just shit out of luck? That’s God’s hand?”

“I don’t know,” Jasper murmured. “I’m not arrogant enough tothink I actually know what God’s plan is anymore, but I’m trying to explain toyou what it was like for me. I felt Him everywhere.” Jazz turned to look at himand smiled. “I felt Him in you, in the joy I felt when I was with you. Itconfused things for me.”

Nicky shuddered. “That’s creepy.”

“What?”

“Feeling God in me? Like when your dick was up my ass, youfelt God?”

Jazz chuckled, his cheeks flushing. “Only you’d go there,Nicky.”

“So, what? You fucked me and thought, ‘Oh, wow, this is soholy’?”

Jazz lifted his chin but the flush didn’t abate. “What if Idid?”

Nicky couldn’t stop the laughter that bubbled up. “I thinkyou’re gonna burn in hell for that.” He bumped Jazz with his shoulder and thenwished he hadn’t. The touch burned into the place that was insatiable, theplace that wanted more, more, more.

“Maybe,” Jazz agreed. “But I confessed and did a penance, soI think I’m okay.” Jasper’s tone poked fun at the idea that his finding theirlovemaking a holy experience would send him to hell. “Besides, don’t tell meyou didn’t feel the same way.”

Nicky pushed away the temptation to make another snideremark about their relationship being nothing more than puppy love and teenagehormones. How could Jazz not see that what he was saying was completely at oddswith that excuse?

“You know I’m a bad liar. So I won’t even try,” Nicky said.Being with Jasper had been the only time he’d ever felt like sex was somethingdivine, something transcendent and pure. Every person he’d fucked afterward hadfelt like a John Waters film: compelling, bizarre, and ultimately disgusting.

They were quiet for a while, the breeze up from the baysliding over Jazz’s hair and ruffling it. He cleared his throat and Nickywaited, his heart beating faster as a horrible, awful feeling he’d tried sohard to destroy over the years flowed into his veins: hope.

Fuck. He couldn’t afford that. Notnow. Not when it came to Jazz.

“Anyway,” Jazz went on. “I think it’s part of the reason whyI ended up smoking pot with you and Jimmy. I couldn’t be gay and feel thecalling. The prevailing wisdom around me told me it was impossible. And yet…”He held out his hands and Nicky’s eyes drifted toward the collar around hisneck.

“I thought you did the drugs to impress me.”

Jazz laughed. “Yeah. Well, that too.”

“I wasn’t impressed. I never wanted you involved in any ofthat.”

“I know,” Jazz turned to him, eyes soft and expressionvulnerable. “You told me that at the time, and I believed you then. I believeyou now as well. I never wanted you involved in that stuff either.”

Nicky ignored that. “So getting high that day wasn’t just aboutme?”

Jazz laughed again. “Sorry, wanker, few things are.”

“Thanks, asshole.” Nicky snorted. He scratched his eyebrowwith his thumb, looking away from Jasper’s wide, sweet smile.