Page 65 of Vespertine

“Yeah. She thinks I need to be touched more often.” Nickychuckled. “I told her I’ve been touched plenty but she says it should be atouch from someone who cares about me.” He slid his hand up into Jasper’s hairand massaged around his temples, messing up his hair. Then he smoothed his hairback down, but it still looked ruffled and hung onto his forehead. “And shealso suggested I take up yoga. Is there an instructor in town?”

“There used to be, but she moved to Alaska with her husbandlast year. I keep up with my practice on my own, actually.”

“Cool. Maybe you could teach me?”

Jazz went stiff under his hands again and a long momentpassed.

“Okay, don’t worry about it.” Nicky worked his fingers intothe back of Jasper’s neck.

“No, it’s not that. I teach the kids at the center. I couldshow you a few things to get you started.”

“I’d like that.” Nicky pressed the tension down Jasper’sarms, lifting them out to his side and squeezing down into his wrists and thenmassaging his hands. “Turn around.”

Jazz hesitated for only a moment and then did as Nickyasked, turning to sit cross-legged facing him. His eyes glimmered in the lowlight of the end table lamps, and Nicky swallowed back his desire to take holdof his chin and press a kiss to his mouth. “Give me your hands. I’ll show yousomething I learned in Amsterdam.”

Jazz held out his hands and Nicky took the left one. “Justlet your other hand relax for now.”

Then he massaged his fingers into Jasper’s palm, rubbing andpressing the way he’d been shown. Jazz let out soft noises occasionally, histhroat working like he was keeping even louder sounds back.

Nicky switched to Jasper’s other hand. They were both silentwhile he worked, except for Jazz’s little sighs.

“When your psychologist says ‘someone who cares about you’,does she mean a lover?” Jasper whispered.

Nicky’s stomach flipped. Was he imagining the note ofjealousy in Jasper’s voice? He had to be. Jasper was a priest and they werefriends. That was all they could ever be. He told himself these things sternlyas he prepared his answer, but he didn’t believe them. Some part of him neverwould and he was going to have to learn to live with that. “I think she meantas a friend. Someone to hug and rub and touch with affection. They say we allneed that to be healthy.”

Jasper nodded.

“That’s why my folks used to give me all those massages as akid. It was supposed to release oxytocin, which would help me bond with them.But it didn’t work back then. I’m trying to believe it could work now. But Ihave to make some friends first.” He cleared his throat. “It’s embarrassing. It’slike I’m in some foreign country and I have to start my whole life fromscratch. At least I know the language, but I have no idea how to use it to makepeople want to be my friend and not just use me.”

Jasper looked thoughtful. “Surely you have some friends inLos Angeles. You’ve lived there for over sixteen years now.”

“Nope. I have drug suppliers, I’ve got star fuckers, and I’vegot the band.”

“You’re not friends with your bandmates?”

“I care about them,” he paused. Did he? Yeah. He did. They’dbeen through so much together. They’d traveled the world with him and livedthrough hell with him. They were bound to the company like he was with the sameterms and conditions. They understood each other because of that. “Yeah, I careabout them a lot, but we aren’t friends. We’re business associates and we’re inthis deal together, but if it came down to it, I don’t think any of us wouldchoose to hang out.” He frowned. “Maybe Sez and Mick. I think they’re fucking.Which is weird. And disgusting.” He shuddered. “Like why? After all theseyears, why go there with it? I don’t get it.”

“Is everyone in the band gay? Is that what drew youtogether?”

“Ramona’s straight. Sez is too.”

“I thought he and Mick were…?”

“Well, Mick is bi. Maybe they’re both bi? I can’t blame aguy for wanting a nice hard dick up his ass, but I’m not sure why it’shappening now and not twelve years ago. Neither of them have gotten betterlooking.” Nicky rubbed his hands in his hair helplessly. “I don’t ask. Ramonathinks it will end badly.”

“Ah yes, Ramona Darling. She seems like she’s got her headon straight.”

“She does. She’s also incredibly ambitious, and if it’sbetween achieving what she wants in life and being my bestest buddy, believeme, she’ll take her career. Lately I get the impression she’s biding her time.I think she’ll bail on us if we keep writing and producing crap. She has otheroffers.”

“That’s a shame, Nicky. You deserve more loyalty than that.”

Nicky laughed. “It’s not about loyalty. She wants me sober,whatever that takes, but she isn’t going to allow that to fuck up the band orher career.” He sighed and rubbed a hand through his hair. “You know, she wasthe last one to join Vespertine.”

“Yeah.”

Nicky looked over at Jazz in surprise. “You really kept upwith my career?”

“To a degree. It got painful after a while and then I justbought the albums. The songs were…” He looked down. “They weren’t too hard tofigure out.”