Page 111 of Vespertine

“Sure. Plenty of things.” He remembered Jasper’s eyes as he’dcome all over them both in the shower the night before. “But nothing that’s anyof management’s business.”

“You realize that pushing their buttons isn’t going tochange anything?”

“I know.”

“Well, here’s the scoop. They’ve busted Sez and Mick out,and now they want you to come home. Vacation time is up, pretty boy. It’sshowtime.”

Nicky ducked his head, the sun pouring onto his back andbreaking in shards over the blue pool water. “No.”

“I’ll let Danvers explain to you why no isn’t an answer they’llaccept, but I think you already know why.”

A bird cried overhead. “But I’m not ready.”

“When will any of us ever be ready? It’s the sort of thingyou just gotta do, Nicky. Leap off the diving board and hope you remember howto fucking swim.”

“Things here are complicated.”

Ramona was silent for a moment, and then she let out a softhoot. “Oh, tell me you did not actually sleep with your priest?” She laughed,and Nicky could imagine her dark head thrown back and beautiful lips stretchedwide over white teeth. “Never mind, I know you did. Only you, Nicky. Only youare hot enough to seduce a motherfucking priest.”

“Well, actually, statistically—”

“Statistically? Did you research this?”

“I’m saying that other people have been known to seduce apriest. Not that I seduced him. No one seduced anyone. It was—”a mistake“—a spontaneous explosion of emotion.” He raked ahand through his hair. “I love him.”

She was quiet a moment. “Oh, Nicky.”

“I can’t leave him after this.” He closed his eyes. “I haveto make sure he’s all right.”

“Areyouall right?”

“Probably not. But if I stay here, then…” He’d be adistraction for Jasper; a temptation, a constant reminder of what they’d done,and a persistent invitation to do those things again. And while most of himwanted exactly that, a very quiet, sane part of him said that if he did that,Jasper would become a man Nicky didn’t recognize. As for himself, he’d never betruly free, truly sober.

“Then what?”

Nicky shook his head hard, though she couldn’t see him. “Ishouldn’t stay here.”

“Flip-flops are for feet, Nicky.”

“If I stay here, I’m going to hope for something and wantsomething that I doubt I can ever fucking have. And if I did have it—if he gavein now and let himself love me again, it would ruin the best parts of him. Butif I leave…”

She made a frustrated noise. “Then you’ll never know if itcould have been more.”

“No, if I leave, then we’ll know for sure. Both of us.Either he’ll go back to his life like it never happened, or he won’t. And Ieither go on without him or I don’t.”

“And if he goes back to his life like it never happened?”

“Then I fall apart in the loving arms of mydysfunctional-as-fuck band and double up appointments with my new therapist,all while management holds a gun to my head. I’d make a motherfuckingheartbreaking album out of it.” As for what happened after that, he couldn’t sayfor sure, but he didn’t want to die. He could have this connection with Ramona,the relationship with his parents, and maybe he could learn to love someoneelse. He was discovering how to live a real life, and it was like being on themoon. But one day, if he stayed sober, maybe he’d earn his moon-feet.

“Excuse me, Egomaniac?We’dmake a motherfuckingheartbreaking album out of it. There are four of us, you know.”

Nicky laughed softly. “I know.” He kicked his feet to splashthe water again, and then looked back toward the house. His mother was stillvacuuming, and his heart ached when he thought about telling her he wasleaving. She’d be so scared for him. “I don’t want to come out there.”

“Of course you don’t. But it’s like I told you the other daywhen I heard back from those attorneys I hired. Our contracts are ironclad. Soit’s not like you have a real choice in the matter. They’ve got your nads alltied up in so much legal red tape that you’re stuck doing what they want unlessyou want to castrate yourself.”

“Colorful language, Ramona Darling.”

“Fuck you, Nico Blue. I can be a poet too.”