Page 109 of Vespertine

“As soon as you’re at the end of that driveway, everythingwill be different.”

Jasper lost himself in Nicky’s eyes. “I hope not.”

Nicky forced a smile. “I’ll see you tonight.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

As soon as his bike tires hit the gravel, Jasper’s heartlurched uncomfortably in his chest. It’d been a long time since he’d lostcontrol over any aspect of his life, and sweet Lord, had he lost control thisweekend.

He wanted to look behind him, but he’d heard the door clickinto its lock and knew Nicky had gone inside. Lifting his face to the sky, heinhaled deeply, letting the scent of summer and silt wash over him as hefreewheeled down the hill. He felt no regret, but he didn’t know how long thatwould last. A screech of tires brought him back to the present, and he yankedat his handlebar to avoid theBMWthat came flyingaround the corner.

Oh no.

He squeezed his brakes. The car stopped and the windowlowered. “Jasper.” His mother’s mouth pinched together. She looked tired and alittle more disheveled than usual. They must’ve called her in for surgery inthe small hours of the morning. “I guess I don’t need to ask if you’ve been atthe house looking for me.”

A flash of anger boiled in Jasper’s gut and he pressed itdown. “No, Mom, I was with Nicky. His parents are out of town and I stayed theweekend.”

She ground her teeth together and leaned out of the car.With a quick glance left and right, she whispered harshly, “I don’t need toremind you that you’re a man of the cloth, do I? You look…you look…” She shookher head hard and fast.

“What, Mom?” Jasper asked. Why wasn’t he freaking out? Whycould he not care less whether she knew or not? What was wrong with him? “Whatdo I look like?”

“You look like you had a good time.”

“I did. And I’m sure Nicky did too. We swam to the islandand then—”

“That’s not what I mean, and you know it. That boy has neverbeen anything but trouble and he never cared what kind of damage he inflictedupon any—”

“See, but that’s where you’re wrong.” Jasper lifted theright pedal with the tip of his toe and set his foot on it. “Nicky cares a lot.”The resentment he’d trained himself out of for years flared hot and bright, andthis once he couldn’t—didn’t want to—fight it. “He cares a whole lot more thanyou ever did.”

His mom gasped and stared at him. “All I ever wanted waswhat’s best for you.”

“And did you ever consider that the best for me through youreyes wasn’t the best at all?” Jasper asked her mildly.

“What difference does it make?” Her cheeks stained red, andsadness crept into Jasper’s heart. “You did what you wanted to anyway.”

“Did I? Or did I do the only thing I thought I could, underthe circumstances?” He shook his head. “I don’t want to fight with you.Everyone makes mistakes. But just once I’d wish you could stand beside meinstead of in front of me, wielding judgement like one of your scalpels.” Hepushed down with his foot and the wind rushed in his face again as he sped up.He didn’t look back to see the car pull away from the curb behind him.

I’m too old to seek approval from my mother.

But what about God’s approval?a small voice asked him.When did you stop caring about that?

When he came home, he plugged in his phone and winced whenit beeped and then kept beeping. Message after message, missed call aftermissed call. He didn’t bother listening to his voicemail. Instead he calledAndrew.

“Father!” He sounded out of breath. “Where are you? Are youall right?”

“Yes, I’m fine, Andrew. I’m sorry about this morning. Didyou do Mass?”

“I didn’t have much choice.” A brief silence. “Are you sureyou’re okay? I was worried you’d been hit by a car or something. I’ve beendriving around and I’ve called the hospital…”

Jasper closed his eyes and sighed inwardly. “I’m reallysorry I worried you.”

“What happened?”

“I spent the night with a friend. I forgot to set my alarm.”

“That’s it?” Andrew laughed. “Okay, well, when I suggestedyou’d take some time off, I kind of thought you’d let me know first. But I’mglad you did. If you want me to take over this evening’s Mass too, I can—”

Tempting, but it felt too much like an easy escape. Heneeded to face what was coming, and sooner rather than later. Mass might helphim sort his thoughts out, and his feelings. “No, it’s fine. I’ll be there.Thank you, Andrew. And I really am sorry.”