Page 122 of Vespertine

“Yeah.”Not really.“But like Isaid, Ramona’s taking me to get Mary Fender, and then we’ll head back to herplace.” He didn’t really want to offer, because he’d enjoyed being at Ramona’shouse alone. It was comfortable and quiet, and she liked to stare off intospace with him, listening to the ocean waves. Sez had always been more franticthan that. Still… “You could come to her place. Hang there if you don’t want tobe alone.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be fucking alone,” Sez snarled. “He’ll be camped out on my front porch again, scratching atthe door and begging for me to let him in. And I can’t do that. I can’t fuckhim sober.”

Nicky swallowed the harsh swell of awkwardness that came uphis throat. “Oh. I, um, I…”

“Fuck it. I need to deal with him, I guess.”

“Yeah, that’s…yeah.” Nicky pulled a stack of papers he’dphotocopied from a notebook he’d filled on the plane from home. “Here. Theseare the lyrics. I’ve made some notations for melody and key.”

Sez took them and stood, heading into a corner to singsoftly to himself, making his own marks on the pages.

Nicky met Ramona’s eye where she sat at the drum kit, andshe gave him a wide-eyed well-that-was-fucked-up stare.

Management had left them mostly alone. When the soundengineers were settled in their booth, ready to sit back and record whateverproto-songs they worked out today, and once Mick had his bass tuned and readyto go, Nicky turned to them all.

“I don’t know about you guys, but if we’re going to behere—and really we have no choice about that—I want to make a damn hot album.The last few have sucked, and we all know why.” He looked at Sez and then atMick. “I was worried at first that my new medications would fuck me up too muchto make music. Then I was scared that beingbetterand almost happy would ruin it too. But I’m not going to talk myself out ofdoing this. Fear isn’t going to stop me.”

“Stopus,” Ramona said, rollingher eyes.

“Any of us. We’re going to dive off the board—” He cut hiseyes at Ramona and grinned cheekily. “And hope we remember how to fucking swim.”

“Stealing my inspirational speeches, huh?”

He picked up his dad’s guitar, hit a chord, and said, “Sez,this is the one on top. ‘Fall or Dive.’ Mick, whenever you’re ready come inwith a bass line. Sez, feel free to experiment with the vocal melody. Ramona,count it off.”

She clacked her sticks together. “One, two—a one, two,three, four!”

Chapter Twenty-two

“HEY.”

One syllable, and the weight of the world dropped off Jasper’sshoulders. He sank back into his office chair like he was suddenly made ofliquid. “Nicky. It’s so good to hear your voice.”

“Yeah, same. I’m…how are you doing?”

“Things are…a bit crazy here. How about you? What’s it likebeing back?”

“Weird. I mean, we fell into recording and stuff prettyeasily, but we keep staring at each other like deer caught in headlightsbecause suddenly we’re all these sober people with feelings and thoughts andmistakes we have to face instead of selfish drones, you know?”

“Yeah.” Jasper laughed a little. “Actually, no, I don’t knowat all. But you’re doing okay? I…I sent you a text yesterday afternoon but youwere already on the plane. I don’t think it came through.”

Nicky made a small noise and Jasper pressed the phonetighter to his ear. He didn’t want to miss anything. He wished he could seeNicky. Maybe next time they could FaceTime. “Yeah? You texted me yesterday?”

“Yes. I should’ve tried again before this morning. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s good. It’s fine. How’sBO?How’s Lizzie?”

“She saw through my good Samaritan tale like it was nothing.She knows it’s you, Nicky. And she’s ecstatic. You’ll never know exactly what adifference you made to that girl. I wish you could’ve seen it. She’s intent onthanking you in person and I’m sorta worried I should be jealous.”

Nicky was silent for a breath, then he whispered, “Never.”

Jasper closed his eyes and smiled. “No?”

“No.” Nicky fell silent, but Jasper could tell he wanted toask something. He didn’t, though. “So yeah, things here are weird butcautiously good? I realized I didn’t really know Mick and Sez at all. Or Ramonaeither, but I think she’ll end up being a good friend. I don’t know about theother two. They seem to have some fucked-up issues of their own.”

Jasper frowned. “What kind of issues?”

“The ‘I’m straight when I’m sober but gay for you when I’mhigh’ kind of issues.”