Page 36 of Vespertine

“God is always seeking you, Nicky. If you sincerely seekHim, you’ll find Him right there looking for you.”

“Right. Well, I’ll take a make-believe God’s help if it willkeep me from fucking up again.”

Jasper closed his eyes. If all that stood between Nicky andhis next hit was a God he didn’t believe in, he didn’t stand a chance. Maybe hecould help Nicky understand that what his soul truly craved was humanconnection, not drugs. “Why were you tempted to make that call?”

A swishing sound drew Jasper’s gaze toward the grid. Nickywas softly rubbing the antique wood. “The maintenance medications I’m on help alot. I don’t really crave heroin at all, but my psychologist says I lack copingskills. Since I was a kid, when I can’t deal with something, I look for a wayto numb it out.”

Good. This is good.“What can’tyou deal with right now?”

“WhatcanI deal with? I mean,where do I start?”

“Why don’t you start with the most immediate thing? Thestraw that broke the camel’s back and made you want to call Jimmy.”

“All right. But remember you asked. I’ve been having, um,impure thoughts. About someone I can’t have. Someone who wouldn’t want methinking about him.”

Jasper went hot all over as his toes curled in his shoes. “Nicky,please don’t—” he whispered between his teeth.

“But it’s true! And you asked!”

Jasper wanted to kick himself “No, you’re right. You’re safehere. God will hear your confession. You can tell me.”

“There are other things I’ve been having trouble dealingwith; other reasons I’ve been tempted to find a way to numb out.” Nicky’s voicesounded a little thready and he trailed off.

Jasper took a calming breath. This wasn’t about him. Thiswas for Nicky. “Take your time,” he softly said.

“Can we leave God out of it?”

“Nicky, this is a confessional. I’m a priest.” He didn’twant to rush Nicky, but there were other penitents waiting, and they could havea non-religious discussion another time. But Nicky was in crisisnow. “And I think you’re feeling safe enough to tell methis because of the divide between us. Not in spite of it.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Okay, I’m scared,” Nicky whispered. “Scaredthat I’m not strong enough. That I can’t return to my music without using.”

“You don’t need drugs to write music, Nicky. You’ve been writingmusic since you were three years old.”

“I know. It’s not that. It’s just… Jazz, I’ll cave thesecond I’m in the same room as a bunch of coke. It’s a fucking Catch 22.”

“But why would you have to be in the same room with coke?Couldn’t you just choose not to go there?”

“No. I can’t. It’s fucked up because I can’t write decentmusic when I’m high, but I can’t be in that world without drugs being literallyfucking shoved in my face. My last memory before they carted us off to rehab isof my tour manager pushing coke up my nose so I could go onstage and play.”

Jasper covered his mouth and needed a second to make surehis voice would come out steady. “Why would they do that?”

“Because I’d already nodded out on heroin. If they evenfigure out where I am, dealers will crawl out of the woodwork and show up on myparents’ front doorstep. I’ve taken precautions against that, but I can’t stayhere forever. This little vacation here can’t last.”

“Can’t you just quit?” Jasper knew it was an appallingsuggestion. Nicky had breathed music his entire life.

“You know I can’t. Music is my existence. Besides, mymanager called again today.”

“Why?”

“We owe them another album. They’ll take legal action beforelong. And they can. We’re under contract. In some ways they own us. I’m a slaveto them as much as you’re a slave to your Church. And they don’t really want mesober, Jazz. They really don’t.” Nicky’s voice broke. “And I’m tired. I’mjust…really fucking tired.”

Jasper knew he should offer Nicky God’s strength. Tell himthat if he only relied on the Lord, all would be well. To place his faith inheaven and everything would fall into place. But the words turned to dust inhis mouth and something twisted in Jasper’s stomach. His eyes stung, and hedidn’t know why. How could they have done this to Nicky? His love-hungry,anger-driven, and far-too-easily led Nicky? What monster would take advantageof him like that?

“Listen to me, Nicky. Do you remember Honey?”

Nicky sounded confused. “Honey? Your dog?”

“Yes.”