Page 116 of Vespertine

“Ready for another one?”

“Yeah,” Jasper whispered. He kept breathing and felt thesting, heard Nicky shush him and tried to relax. He lost himself for a littlebit to the care Nicky was taking, to the sounds of the night drifting throughthe window, and the rhythm of his own breathing. Maybe Nicky saidsomething—maybe he imagined it—but he knew when Nicky sat back on his heels andsheathed his cock. He tried not to breathe harder, but didn’t quite manage it.

This was going to happen. He was going to do this. Hisheartbeat kicked up a notch like it did when he reached the halfway point ofthe hill on his run. It rang hollow in his chest. He tried to breathe through.No one had been with him like this since he was seventeen years old. He was fallingin love with Nicky all over again, and if he did this, if he went this far,there’d be no going back.Oh God.

But he wanted it. Nicky was leaving. Maybe not coming backfor a long time—if ever. He had to…he… Jasper looked over his shoulder and sawNicky poised above him, hair wild and a soft sheen of sweat sparkling likediamonds on his skin. The sunburn had faded to a mellow tan and he looked sogood Jasper’s heart couldn’t contain it. Nicky had a hand on his cock—and itwas glorious and hard, and oh so frightening. He lifted up and leaned on Jasper’sback.

“Can you lift your hips a bit, baby? Maybe get on all foursfor now.” Shaking, Jasper did what he was told. First he let his head hangbetween his arms, but he had to see. He had to see Nicky. “Oh yeah, holy fuck.”Nicky bit his lip and his eyes burned like coals as he stared at Jasper’s hole.“That’s the sweetest sight I’ve ever seen.”

The blunt pressure of Nicky’s cock forced an undignifiedsound out of Jasper’s throat, and Nicky immediately stopped.

“You okay?”

“Yes.”

“All right, relax. I won’t hurt you.”

Jasper tried. He really did. He closed his eyes, dropped tohis elbows, and rested his forehead against the pillow. But when Nicky pushedagainst his rim and made it part he couldn’t—he couldn’t let go. He wanted to,so badly he could taste the need; the ache. He wanted to feel the discomforttomorrow when Nicky was gone, along with the pain of missing him.

He tried to wipe his mind of all thought. He willed his bodyto relax. His arms gave out, and so did his knees. Jasper sank into themattress and Nicky slipped deeper.

“Jazz,” Nicky groaned. “Fuck, you feel so…Jasper?” Nickystilled and lifted Jasper’s hair off his forehead. With one finger he tracedthe salty path of a single tear. “Oh, no baby. No, not like this.” He took suchgreat care to remove his cock from Jasper’s body, Jasper was afraid he’d reallystart crying. “Hey. Hey, it’s okay. I love that you want to do this for me, butI don’t need it. All I need is you, right here, with me tonight. Jasper, lookat me, please.”

He opened his eyes and saw Nicky there, his face bright likea shining star, and Jasper reached for him. They lay tangled like that for along time, with Nicky gently stroking Jasper’s sweaty back.

Chapter Twenty-one

“WHEN’SYOUR FLIGHT?”JASPER ASKED, smoothing hishands over Nicky’s chest like he was cleaning off lint or cat hair that wasn’tthere.

“Four-thirty.” Standing in Jasper’s room, he took hold ofJasper’s hands and twined their fingers together. “Hey, it’s a clean shirt. Youjust pulled it out of your drawer. It’s fine.”

“I know. I need to touch you.”

Nicky pulled Jasper into a hug and rested his head againstJasper’s shoulder. “Me too.”

“Does your mom know yet?”

Nicky shook his head. “Figured I’d do it like ripping off aBand-Aid. Fast. No time to try to talk me out of it.”

Jasper moved back to see Nicky’s face but didn’t let go ofhim. “She’s not going to like that.”

“Good thing she’s had a lot of practice at not liking what Ido.” Nicky touched Jasper’s chin, thumbing the dimple. “I was serious the othernight when I said I wanted to fund Lizzie’s transition, and Gus’s too, butespecially Lizzie’s.”

“I know you meant it. It’s very expensive—”

“We talked that out already. Make it happen. Have my fatherdraw up papers, get whatever permission from whatever judge, and get that girlon hormone therapy for fuck’s sake. I’ll pay the bill.”

“Thank you. I wish you were going to tell her yourself.”

Nicky shook his head and looked away. “Don’t tell her it wasme. Just let her know that someone out there gave enough fucks to make sure shegets the care she deserves, all right?”

“I’m going to let you do this, of course, but you can’t fundthe transition of every child that comes through Blue Oasis.”

“I can try.”

Jasper kissed his knuckles. “You’re a good man, Nicky.”

Dizzy leapt onto a window sill nearby, and Nicky broke freefrom Jasper’s grasp.