Page 9 of The Wonder of You

My eyes flicker open, and then shut again. It’s like my eyelids are not strong enough to open fully. I am light-headed and everything around me is blurry. Am I laying on the floor? Did I pass out?

“I can’t lose her again.” I hear a voice say beside me. Is that Phoenix?

“But what are you going to do? I think she suspects something, but I don’t think she knows.” Lukas says it softly, but there is a hint of concern in his voice that is easy to detect.

“But she’s mine, she always has been. I can’t just let her go.”

“I know, really, I do, but I don’t think you can go around saying that right now. We’re still here for a while.”

“I won’t leave without her.” Phoenix sounds so sure, so firm. Are they talking about me?

I stir, opening my eyes, and he’s right there at my side. One hand is on my cheek, the other is smoothing down my hair. And there it is again - a surge of love that feels so familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Does this man love me? Do I deserve this kind of love? Can I return it to him?

“Are you okay?” he whispers.

“Did I faint?”

“Yes, it happened so quickly, otherwise I’d have been here to catch you.” He smiles as he rubs his thumb down my face. He seems to be scanning every inch of me.

I’ve missed you, he said before we kissed.

“Oh, bloody hell, you’re alright!” Lydia appears on my other side, looking down at me. I can see she looks a bit worried, perhaps embarrassed too. I also see the way she looks at Phoenix, then at me, then at his hand as he rubs it over my face in a way that is so soft and comforting. Laying here in the mud, I feel so comfortable. If only Phoenix would lay beside me and everyone else would leave. I reckon I could fall into a sleep that I have not experienced since the nightmares began when I was a child.

What is wrong with me?

“I should probably get her home,” Lydia says firmly, as if she’s the older sister looking after me. Phoenix looks up at her like he wants to fight, as if in the couple of minutes he’s met my sister, he’s already decided he doesn’t like her. He looks at her the same way some people look at me. Like I’m in the way, tolerated rather than wanted.

There is so much going on that I feel a sudden panic in my chest that threatens to drown me. The air is water and it’s in my lungs, ready to kill me. What’s worse, I wonder, drowning in actual water or drowning in air while everyone looks at you? Looking up at Lydia and Phoenix, they feel the same to me. I’ve known Lydia for the twenty-six years she’s been alive. I’ve known Phoenix for just a night. So why do I feel like I know them both equally? Why do I feel like if I had to choose, I’d choose Phoenix? Like there is no other choice, but him. It’s him, and it’s always been him.

I instantly sit up, looking at my muddy hands and dirtied jeans.

“I don’t understand any of this,” I whimper like a child. I wish I could run home to someone.

I wish my grandparents were here. I probably wouldn’t tell them what happened, but I’d go upstairs in my room and I’d know they were downstairs. There would be life in the house, company. But if I go there now, I’ll be alone after the most magical night of my life.

“We can go somewhere? We can talk.” Phoenix offers me his hand. I blink and my eyes feel blurry again. I start to lose sight. And then I fall deep into a memory I didn’t know I had.

Phoenix and I walk towards a caravan. Lukas invites us in and there is a woman sitting there. A woman who is my friend, though I don’t know her now. I just know she’s important. She is holding a baby in her arms.

“I am calling her Maudie, after my great-grandmother,” she tells us. We stay longer, taking turns to hold the little baby that shares her father’s eyes. As we leave; Phoenix takes my hand.

“You’re as beautiful as the stars,” he grins. I look up at the shining stars and smile. I decide not to tell him I don’t agree. How can I be as beautiful as the night sky? But Phoenix thinks so and I let him. I move forward and we kiss. I love the way he puts his hands on my cheeks, as if he’s hungry for my lips, as if he will never get bored of me. I am his and he is mine.

Made for each other. Soulmates.

My vision returns and panic sets in. What happened? Was that a real memory or some fake scenario I created in my mind? How bad did I hit my head? But Phoenix is looking at me as if he knows. As if we shared the memory, as if the moment our eyes met when my vision came back, he saw it all too. I think I see a tear in his eye. I notice Maudie watching us and the memory feels so real. I held her as a baby.

I stand quickly. Phoenix tries to reach forward to help steady me as I nearly throw myself off balance. I don’t let him, instead I do what I do best… I run.

“Renée!” Phoenix shouts, but I push my way past everyone. I almost throw myself over the ticket gates. I run down the alleyway that leads towards the road. It dawns on me that I am a lone woman running through the dark, but I am running too fast for someone to grab me. My heart slams, I don’t even look as I cross the road and towards the cul-de-sac where my grandparents’ house is.

My house, I should say.

My hands are shaking so much. I can barely get the house keys out of my pocket. But when I do, I open and slam the door shut, as if I think I am being chased and need to hide.

Sliding down the door, I almost choke on the air I take into my cheeks. As I let it out, the sound similar to that of a small animal follows .

I cry. I cry so deeply and so loudly that my body eventually gives in and I let myself fall to the floor and sleep.