Page 49 of The Wonder of You

As the knife skims my throat, I think how Dad won’t live with this. I imagine Nan and Grandad screaming in terror in whatever world they are in now as they watch this play out. Both my grandparents died in this house. If I die here too, will I get to join them? See them one more time? I imagine Phoenix will kill my uncle in fury, and then my sister too in resentful rage before taking himself out.

My ache for Phoenix makes me cry out and Carl laughs. I can’t believe he will be the final face I see before I die. At least if he kills me quickly, I don’t have to worry he will do anything else to me. I’m not sure a slit to my throat will be a quick kill, but I hope it just sends me into shock so that I know nothing else until my last breath.

Oh Phoenix, we nearly had it all.

“You deserve it, you little bitch,” Carl shouts and holds the knife up. I screw my eyes shut. He’s not going to slit my throat, he’s going to stab me to death… just as I’m about to give in and imagine Phoenix’s face before I die, Carl grumbles.

My eyes shoot open and I see his head being pulled backwards.

It turns out my throat isn’t the one being slit today. Blood spills out of my uncle’s neck in a way that no horror movie could ever do justice. The amount of it, the speed of it, it makes me dizzy to watch. I sit up and scoot myself backwards. I’m covered in blood, but I’m not dead.

I’m not dead.

Carl makes a gurgling sound that would haunt me if it was any other being, but watching Carl die is a blessing. I don’t know what that says about me, but through the horror, I am so relieved I cry out again.

I look up as Henry drops my uncle’s body on the floor. He slams his fist into his face with a crunch that I am sure is a broken nose. I hope he felt that. I hope he’s suffering how he made me suffer.

Phoenix skids as he runs to me, dropping to his knees in front of me and lifting me into his arms. He holds me with shaking arms.

“I am so sorry,” I whisper as I sob into his shoulder.

“Never say sorry,” he holds me tighter and rocks me back and forth. I grip onto him like a toddler refusing to let go of their mother. The feeling of safety rushes back to me, even with the dead body of my abusive uncle beside me.

But it’s not over. The three of us turn immediately as a weak voice speaks out.

“Renée?”

“...Dad?”

I get to my feet quickly. Henry still looks monster-like as he stands above my dead uncle and looks at my dad. I don’t want him to hurt Dad in panic of how this might play out.

“He tried to kill me, Dad.” I cry like six-year-old Renée would have done and a sob breaks through. “He had a knife to my throat. ”

Phoenix holds onto my arm to steady me.

Dad looks at Carl on the floor, his eyes widen as he notices the pools of blood.

“Who did it?” he whispers.

“That would me.” Henry lifts his head in confidence.

Dad leans on the wall and nods.

“Holy fuck, I wish it was me.” He closes his eyes as tears fall down his cheeks. I wasn’t expecting him to say that. “I didn’t know he was out, bloody hell, I didn’t know.” He shakes his head as if trying to push away this moment. He reminds me of when we sat in the doctor’s office before my grandad left the room with me. I don’t let my brain take me there though. I am here in this moment now.

“I’m so sorry, Renée,” he whimpers. He rubs his eyes, like he doesn’t want us to see him crying. He doesn’t know I’ve seen and heard him cry so many times. I used to stand outside his door while he sobbed. Sobbed for Mum, sobbed for the hard times of single parenthood, and what he believed was a failure on his part because of what happened to me.

It’s not my dad’s fault though.

It’s not my fault either.

Everything was Carl’s fault.

Now he’s dead.

“What are we going to do?” Dad asks. “Do we call the police? This is a murder scene, defence or not, someone has been killed. Someone will notice he’s missing… ”

Toni and Lukas walk in before anyone gets to respond. They both look at me relieved. Neither of them seems bothered or shocked by the scene on the floor, or the amount of blood still dribbling out of my uncle’s neck. They’re just happy to see I’m okay.

“Oh Renée, I knew I shouldn’t have let you leave,” Lukas says. Dad looks up at him as if this all a weird dream, with a dead man on the floor and a clown comforting his daughter.

“No one blames themselves today, okay? No one blames themselves ever.” I glance between Lukas, my dad and then up to Phoenix. “This is Carl’s fault; it always has been.”

I don’t look down at his dead body. It takes a lot of courage to even say his name out loud. His name on my tongue feels like I’ve just bit into a lemon. It’s disgusting.

“Right!” Henry puts his hands on his hips, he is the leader right now. “Toni, can you make Renée’s dad a coffee? Once he has one, he can go in the living room and sit down.”

Toni nods and puts the kettle on.

“Lukas, lock the doors and shut the curtains.”

Lukas does as he’s told.

Dad starts playing with his fingers nervously as we all stand around silently for what feels like a painfully long time. He glances at Henry every now and then. My heart sinks thinking my Dad might be feeling threatened by someone who means so much to me.

“Go sit down, fine sir. I’ll sort this one out. ”

Dad nods and walks into the living room in some kind of dream state. Toni follows behind him with a coffee in hand.

I stare at Henry, what is his plan? How can he fix this?

“Phoenix, why don’t you help Renée clean herself up?” Henry smiles sympathetically at me as Phoenix takes my hand and gently leads me upstairs.