Page 11 of The Wonder of You

My heart melts as I make eye contact with Phoenix. The expression on his face suggests he is feeling the exact same about me as I am about him. He bites his lips and he clearly doesn’t know what to do with his hands. He’s scared. Perhaps overwhelmed. But why? As we continue to lock eyes, I notice how his expression softens. He looks at me like I am something special. Am I? Could little, plain Renée really mean something to this extraordinary man?

He stands. “I wanted to check if you were okay after last night. Your sister gave me your address, I hope you don’t mind.”

I drop my head as a blush takes over my face.

“I’m okay, thank you. I think I got a bit overwhelmed by everything.”

“I understand, the circus can be intense for some.” His lips twitch, like a cheeky smile wants to break out on his face. It feels so familiar. I stare at him, perhaps a little too long, but he doesn’t take his gaze away from me.

Dad coughs. This is awkward. He’s probably wondering what an earth happened in just a night to make his usually anti-social daughter so love-struck. “So, you’re a ringmaster? What does that really mean then? You run the circus?” He drinks his coffee quicker, his face scrunching as if it’s a bit too hot to drink so fast .

“Yes, I’ve had some help recently as it’s been quite a lot to take on myself, but I think I am finding my place again,” Phoenix says and then looks at me.

Dad nods and puts his coffee down. I could laugh because he looks so uncomfortable right now. Was he like this when Lydia brought home Simon? Or was it different for his favourite daughter? Was he more interested, maybe more protective?

“Well, I’ll be off…” He goes to leave, but takes a look back. “You’re alright for me to go?”

I nod my head with a smile to reassure him it is okay. He doesn’t ask a second time, instead leaves swiftly and shuts the door behind him. There is a flutter in my stomach that I think may be from my younger self, or maybe from the guilt at my thoughts just a second ago. It’s the little things he says like you’re alright for me to go? that also sound a lot like I love you.

I gulp.

Dad being here was far from ideal but now he’s gone, the silence is intense. What am I supposed to say to this painfully attractive man who I think I have fallen in love with? Why does his presence seem so normal though? A man in my kitchen which isn’t my father or grandfather would be enough for me to go into full meltdown. I will always demand my dad to be here when someone else is here. A man fixing the heating. A woman with my grandparents will. Anyone unfamiliar and I need some kind of security. But Phoenix feels like he should be standing there. Like if he attempted to leave, the ground would open up and take me with it .

I look up at him but drop my head as a giggle attempts to break from my mouth. I’m acting like a fifteen-year-old without a care in the world. And I like it. I never thought I’d like something like this.

My heart slams as he moves toward me and takes my hand.

“Renée, you know, don’t you? I don’t see any point in playing this out longer. You know who I am, don’t you?” he pleads.

“I’m not sure, Phoenix, I’m a bit scared to be honest.”

He looks at me softly and steps forward, his hands on my cheeks. I hold my breath. I am coming alive under his touch. It feels like my soul has left me and is slowly wiggling its way back into my body.

“Do you remember this?” he asks and places a gentle kiss on my forehead. I gasp as the gesture takes me back.

Phoenix kisses my forehead as we dance in the circus tent. He spins me and I laugh out loud.

I don’t care what anyone thinks because this is me. This is us.

Phoenix kisses my forehead when we get back to our cabin after visiting baby Maudie.

“Do you think you’d want one? A baby?” he asks.

“Do you remember this?” he asks and kisses the side of my neck; his lips linger there and goosebumps erupt over my body. A tingle I have never felt before shoots down my spine and makes my toes curl.

He’s on top of me. He kisses my cheeks, my neck. He kisses every part of me. I let out a soft groan as my back arches and I thread my hands into his hair.

“Don’t stop,” I whisper as he moves down my body. He reaches his hand up and holds mine as he continues to kiss me.

I gasp, instantly standing back and hitting the kitchen worktop. A cup falls off the stand and rolls into the sink. I look at it and then back at Phoenix.

“What’s going on?” I whimper.

“It’s me, Renée. It’s me.” His voice is high pitched and he looks hurt, as if me not understanding what is happening is causing him physical pain. As if any moment now, he will collapse to the floor and beg me to remember him, to remember us.

But my thoughts are blurry. The memories aren’t strong enough when he isn’t touching me and showing me the memories. I put my hands to my face to hide myself, and I start to cry. He moves towards me and gently takes my shoulders in his hands.

“I know this is confusing. I know you must be scared. But I can explain everything. Will you come back to the circus tonight? Meet me by the gates. I want you to remember everything, but I need some help from someone.” He reaches forward and slowly takes my hands from my face. His thumb rubs my tears away. I look up at him again and I feel so much comfort among all the confusion and fear.

“I’m scared that I’m going insane, like you’re trying to say I had some sort of past life,” I whisper.

He swallows.

“That is exactly what I am trying to say.”

My breath catches.

“Please come back tonight, please.”

He looks like he might crumble if I say no.

I don’t want to decline, but can I really believe I had a past life? That this is real? Did I die before visiting the circus with Lydia and fall into this weird world which I cannot explain?

I chuckle nervously. If what Phoenix is trying to make me believe is true, then maybe I did die and come back to life, just not in the way I am thinking.

Is he playing a trick on me?

Am I a circus trick?

No.

There’s something in his eyes and in my mind that tells me this is real. The weird visions, the half memories. What have I got to lose by going again tonight?

And everything has changed now, hasn’t it? There’s something different in me, something pushing me towards Phoenix. A shift in the atmosphere.

Have I found my long-lost love? God, I sound crazy. But I think I do love him. I know I do. I’d never let anyone else kiss me, touch me. I hate being touched, but with Phoenix, it’s like he brings me to life.

It’s right .

We’re right.

We’re bound somehow.

“Okay,” I nod my head, then I run my hand through my hair as if it can help me settle my thoughts.

Phoenix smiles in a way that makes me feel like I am melting. He grabs my cheeks again and kisses me. It’s with that one kiss, something I never thought I’d experience, that I know I am making the right decision.

He smooths his hand over my hair before pulling away and my thoughts settle.

“Go and get some more rest, okay? And I’ll see you tonight… actually, I’ll meet you here, okay?”

A boy knocking at my door to take me on a date? Or a man, I should say. It seems wild to me that this is happening. I want to giggle again. But instead, I nod.

He looks at me, opens his mouth and then shuts it. I think I know what he wants to say. But I can tell by the look in his eyes that he thinks it might scare me, might overwhelm me, maybe make me not want to join him later. Could I be so lucky, so deserving, of someone loving me? Someone other than the ones who think they have to?

So instead, he smiles again. “Tonight.”

“Tonight.”