Page 51 of The Wonder of You

While Dad sleeps, I pull out my small suitcase and start packing. I don’t need much, I know that. I pack another pair of black skinny jeans, a couple of t-shirts that I like, some underwear. I have a cupboard of clothes back at the cabin that Phoenix left untouched. The clothes are a bit old school, but I can’t help but love them.

I grab a few photographs. Me and my dad. A photo of my mum holding Lydia as a baby, me as a toddler beside her. I run my finger down her face, wishing I had a memory to hold onto.

A picture of me and my grandparents, one from when I was little and the most recent one too.

I go into their room and pull my nan’s jewellery box out from under the dressing table. It feels weird doing this. It’s a big box, but it’s her box. I rummage through her necklaces and bracelets, taking a moment to reflect. I think these things are better here, where she put them. I don’t need any items to stay close to her. I have my memories.

Before I go to put the lid back on, something catches my eye.

A painted rock.

Then he told me he went to the circus and was given a rock; he gave it to me like it was really something out of this world. Wanted to run away with the circus, he did, but he loved me more. Nan’s voice runs through my mind .

I can’t believe we’ve come full circle. I painted the rock that my grandfather gave my grandmother as a token of his love for her. A small sob escapes me, but I hold myself back. I take a deep breath. No more tears.

I laugh instead, and I decide I will keep this. I will take it back to the circus where it belongs, where a piece of my grandparents will stay forever with me.

Phoenix walks up beside me and kneels down to look at the few things I have collected.

"The rock." A bittersweet smile takes his face. He looks at me with his dark eyes, as if he's reminding himself that I'm really here, all these years later. He's not in that time period of missing me anymore. We’ll never go back to that awful space of time.

I turn the rock over in my hand.

"Do you remember him? My grandad?"

"A little. I was out of it back then; it’s all a bit of a blur. To be honest, I was out of it until the moment you came back, but what I do remember is he seemed like a good man. He was a good man, wasn't he?"

I nod my head. He definitely was. He was the best of the best.

Phoenix picks up another photograph that seems to have fallen under my grandmother's dressing table. I recognise it immediately. It's my year three primary school class picture. Phoenix's eyes scan over it. I wonder how many photographs he's seen of me as a child. I doubt I had many in my first life.

"That's me in the corner." I point at the sombre looking girl with the ponytail and big fringe. I take a deep breath. "This would have been a year after it happened. School was not that supportive." I mock the voice of my old teacher; her voice was high pitched and smug. “Renée Stipe, a very serious child. Doesn't have friends and doesn't seem to want them, either."

Phoenix rubs my back.

"She once said to my dad that I was like watching paint dry. Nan was fuming when he told her. I didn't even know what that meant back then."

"That's cruel, especially for a child. Why didn't they just help?"

Why didn't they just help? The question that ran through my head daily.

I shrug.

"You're not there anymore." Phoenix places the photograph back under the dressing table. A symbol of leaving the past behind, that I have moved on. I appreciate him doing this more than he knows. He leans forward and rests his forehead on mine. Any negative thought I had is gone within the instant. I take a deep breath.

"I'm ready to go," I whisper.

Putting my suitcase in the kitchen, I am startled when the door opens and in walks Lydia and Simon. This happens at the same time Dad walks out the living room, rubbing his eyes, grumbling that he can’t believe he fell asleep. Too much overtime at work, he repeats. Phoenix grips onto my hand which Lydia notices and makes a face of disgust. She can never keep her true colours in for long.

“What’s the suitcase for? Staying with the circus until they leave? A few hundred years ago and we could have sold you to them.” She grins a sly grin and looks at Dad, but he doesn’t laugh. Phoenix tenses, but I squeeze his hand in comfort.

I’ve got this.

“Actually no, the circus is leaving today. And so am I.”

Silence fills the room.

Lydia opens her mouth, but then closes it. She looks like a fish the more she tries to find words. Finally, my sister is speechless.

“Renée, what do you mean? You’re joining the circus?” Dad asks.

I nod my head.

“Yes. I have found myself with the circus, Dad.” I look at him, tears filling my eyes. “I have found Phoenix. I think…I know that I’m finally happy. And once I leave…I don’t know when I will be back. Maybe I won’t be.”

A tear rolls down Dad’s face which makes my stomach drop, but he rubs it away and smiles. “You know…I had an awful dream when I was napping in there, and it made me realise that you’ve had it so hard and I haven’t always been there. I think if this is what you want, you should do it. You know I love you, kid… and…” he puts his hands on his hips and looks down for a brief moment before returning his gaze to mine. “I’m sorry. You know I’m sorry, don’t you?”

I reach forward and hug him. I couldn’t have wished for a better goodbye, for my dad to tell me he loves me. I think of what Phoenix and I spoke about upstairs. About my grandad. He was the most perfect person, but he wasn’t the only man in my life.

“You are a good man, dad. You did your best when you were going through a hard time. None of it is your fault.”

Dad gulps, as if my words are words he has always wanted to hear too.

“I love you.”

I lean out and smile up at the face I am never going to see again, but I am reminded I am making the right choice. This life has never been kind to me. There’s a better one out there just waiting for me.

“What is going on?” Lydia’s voice breaks the moment. “Why are you saying goodbye like it is forever?”

Because it is.

I shrug my shoulders, what can I say really?

Lydia takes a deep breath and I ready myself for the incoming explosion.

“So, you fuck a man and now you’re obsessed with him? To the point of running away with him?” There is so much anger in her voice, but this time, it doesn’t bother me.

“Lydia!” Dad says as if she’s a child who has just sworn for the first time.

Talk about ruining our moment.

“My relationship isn’t your business,” I tell her as firmly as possible.

“You are my sister!” She looks over at dad. “You’re going to let your daughter just walk away with someone you don’t know? With the fucking circus! ”

“Lydia, stop swearing, would you?” he responds calmly. “Your sister is twenty-nine years old. I don’t have control over her life. Have you ever seen her like this before? Happy?”

“Is this really what you want, Renée? You, not him? How can you call this a relationship? It’s been five bloody minutes!” I see the way her eyes glance over at Phoenix as if she’s disgusted by him. “Did you hear what his friend said to me? Is that really the people you want to be around?”

“I’m fine, everything is fine. This is my life.” I soften my voice, understanding that Lydia does care about me, otherwise she wouldn’t be saying any of this. I try to see it in her perspective. Her lonely, miserable sister runs away with the first man she meets. I wish she could understand everything. Talking about my rebirth and how Phoenix and I have actually been together for a time she wouldn’t be able to comprehend would only add to her thinking I am delusional.

“I don’t think you’re safe with them,” she lowers her voice.

“Yes, I am, trust me. You have to trust me. I know what is best for me. I appreciate that you care, but I have this. I really do.” I lean forward and take her hand. Surprise takes over her face.

“I love you, Lydia. I want you to be happy. The house is yours, or Dad’s, whoever wants it. I’m not coming back.”

Again, my sister is speechless. I am joining the circus, going back to the immortals. This is my final show in this world .

“You could sell it though, Renée,” Dad interrupts. “The money on this would be quite a bit, you don’t want that?”

“No,” I say confidently, raising my head high. I let go of Lydia’s hand to reach into my pocket. I give her my bank card with the pin number written underneath on a piece of paper. “I never put the money Nan and Grandad gave me into a savings account, do what you want with it.”

“You’re telling me you don’t want or need any money?” Her voice is weak and childlike as she absorbs the information. I know she can’t comprehend a life where money doesn’t matter, but I’ve never needed it. It’ll make her happier than it could ever have made me.

“It sounds weird, I get that. But no. I don’t need any of it.”

Lydia squints her eyes and tilts her head at me. Confusion takes her face as she continues to gape at me.

“I suppose this is hello and goodbye, Simon.” I smile at him and he smiles back. He looks genuinely happy for me. I guess he is the only one who is not confused by all this, considering he barely knew me before.

“But… when will we see you again? It’s not like you’re going away forever, is it?” Lydia asks. She looks over at Phoenix, then back to me.

“I’m not sure, we’ll figure something out,” I lie, reminding myself that this is indeed the last time I will be seeing my sister .

“You’ll be home for Christmas?” Simon asks, perhaps attempting to help Lydia out from my lack of answers.

“I’ll let you know. But please…” I look over at Dad for this one. “Please don’t worry.”

I wish I could tell them something so they don’t think I’m another missing person of the town. I don’t want my Dad to believe I’ve simply turned my back and don’t want anything to do with him anymore, so much so that I wouldn’t even bother contacting him on his birthday, or Christmas. Lydia may want me to attend a wedding one day, meet a child. But I can’t. I can’t do those things and I have to hope they believe that after all this time, I’m just happy in leaving everything behind.

I’m not missing, I’ve finally been found.

I turn back to Phoenix. We share a look that we both know means it’s time to go. It’s time to move on. He grabs my suitcase and holds his hand out to me as he reaches the door.

Lydia still looks shocked as she grips onto my bank card. Simon looks around the house that he is finally going to get to work on. I imagine him and Lydia will move in, do it up, perhaps stay here and have kids. Dad looks at me with a bittersweet sort of smile, I can see it in his eyes… he knows I’m not ever coming back.

I nod at him

He nods, and just like that, I walk away from my family.

No tears.

Only the sense of moving on.

This time, I’m going home for real