Page 15 of The Wonder of You

“Would you… would you like to join me in my cabin for a coffee? The lady I’d like you to see isn’t ready yet, so we could wait… only if you want? Or we could sit near one of the coffee stalls.” Phoenix runs his hand through his hair. He looks frustrated with how nervous he is to ask me to be alone with him. I feel for him. To me, this all feels fresh, a familiar, but still new world. Yet to him, I am apparently his long-lost love who he has never forgotten and yet he has to ask me things he probably never thought he would. I probably shared this cabin with him before. Is this really all true?

“Yeah, that sounds great, I could do with sitting down.” I smile at him as I see the relief take his eyes. He reaches for my hand again and leads me to the cabin near the painted rocks. Yesterday feels like five minutes ago and five hundred years ago all at the same time.

Am I crazy to believe I can be in love with a man I met just yesterday? Is this my loneliness catching up on me or is it really a past life finally coming back to life in my mind?

I would never have reacted like this to anyone else. What I felt with Phoenix was in my bones, like it had always been there, just looking for its moment to force its way into my heart.

Phoenix turns on the light in his cabin. It’s larger than what I expected, as if the outside is just an illusion. He has a kitchen, a bathroom, a comfortable looking sofa and coffee table. Right at the back is a double bed. It’s the perfect set up. I walk further into the room as I hear Phoenix turn on the kettle.

My eyes settle on the photo frames by the sofa. My heart slams into my stomach at a speed I’m not ready for.

The photos show Phoenix and a woman smiling at the camera.

The woman is me.

In one photo I look as if I’m wearing Victorian clothing. Is it a costume or is it the actual time period the photo was taken?

Then there is me and Maudie with an elephant.

Phoenix and I again in a candid shot looking at each other, the glow of the circus behind us.

A group shot… Phoenix with his arm around me. Lukas holding Maudie. Toni and Henry smiling beside each other.

“Phoenix, this can’t be me.” Tears fill my eyes.

“It is you,” his response is simple, but so clear.

“How? How can I be this person? Born again with the same name? It’s not possible.”

Terror fills me again; it surges through so fast that the only thing I can think to do is run. It’s the only thing I know how to do when I am confused, afraid and not knowing the answers. I just want to avoid things, act like they never happened, ignore them until they catch up to me.

I try to move past Phoenix, but he grabs my arm gently to stop me .

“Stop, it’s okay,” he whispers. “I’m here and this is home, you just need to remember it clearly enough to know it happened.”

This is home.

“I’m scared,” I whimper. Phoenix doesn’t reply. Instead, he pulls me into him and wraps his arms protectively around me. I feel my head coming above water. I am able to breathe steady and it’s Phoenix who pulls me out from the waves that threaten to crash into me again.

I lean out and Phoenix kisses my forehead. “Coffee?”

I nod.

Minutes later, I sit with my hands around the warm coffee in front of me. It’s just what I needed, and somehow, Phoenix knew that. I guess he really does know me.

Phoenix is sat opposite me; he doesn’t look as comfortable as me, though. One leg pokes out slightly, as if he’s preparing himself for me to run away again. But I don’t want to run now. I want more answers.

“Are you an immortal, Phoenix?” I feel silly asking, but I know I have to. He nods solemnly.

“Yes.”

“I was an immortal in this past life, that is what you’re saying? I’m right in believing immortals live forever? So, how did I… how did this happen? Did I die?”

“A long time ago, some witches approached me. They wanted money and thought I could pay them to work here. Our staff has never changed though; it’s always been the same people that I hired from the very beginning. We’ve never needed more. The only people who start working here fresh are family members who are born into it all, like Maudie. Or maybe a partner, like when Lukas first met Cheri. I told the witches no and they were angry with me.” He takes a deep breath. It’s obviously a difficult memory for him. “They came back again and again until I got firmer with them. I not so politely told them to piss off.”

I hold Maudie back, wrapping a protective arm over her to keep her safe with me. I know she wants to follow her father, but I can’t let her get closer to those women in the brown coats. They scare me and I don’t know how Phoenix is managing it. Lukas tries helping, but the witches immediately mock his appearance which makes Maudie cry. Henry comes over with his loud, projected voice trying to keep things calm. Toni is quick on her feet, stomping in her big boots to tell the women to back off.

The rest of the memory is a blur.

“They cursed us…well, they cursed you and Maudie, a punishment to the rest of us. They took you from me. I want you to have the memory clearly, which is why I am taking you to Arabella later. She will be able to show it to you properly. I don’t want you to experience it again, but I think it’s the best way for you to remember everything.”

“Were they really witches? Real witches? ”

“Yes, we’ve always had permission to use the mortal world. Well, Arabella does but Gabriel knows we’re here. As long as she’s moving us across worlds for the circus, then it’s okay. Otherwise, we have no reason to be here and he wouldn’t let us. We were in the mortal world, this world, that day.” Phoenix closes his eyes and rubs his forehead. After a deep breath, he continues, “I don’t know how the witches got through.”

“The mortal world? There are two worlds?” I ask, the disbelief is clear in my voice, but this is hard to take in. Phoenix drinks from his coffee and nods.

“Well, what if they come back?” I ask. The idea of witches sounds terrifying, especially ones powerful enough to curse people and make an immortal person die.

“They won’t. They all died, fairly recently, actually.”

I gasp.

“I didn’t kill them, although I wish I did,” he adds. “There was a fire in our world. Lucifer did it.”

“Lucifer? As in the Devil?” I ask.

“Yeah.” Phoenix leans back and sighs, as if he hasn’t just told me that what I only believed to be folklore and made-up stories is actually true.

“Do I need to be afraid of all this?”

“No, the witches are dead and the ones left would never come near us again. Lucifer has been quiet for a long time.”

“Does he have horns?”

Phoenix nearly chokes on his coffee as he laughs .

“No. He’s just a man in a fairly casual suit. I may have copied that style a bit when I saw him once.”

I smile. “Did you wear something different before?”

“I looked like a proper ringmaster. You know like the mortals make out in their silly little movies. The big hat, the three-piece suit with the long-tailed jacket. I much prefer the casual suit, though.”

I picture Phoenix in the old get up and smile. The image in my mind is so clear that I think it may be another memory instead of my imagination.

“There’s so much I am confused about, Phoenix,” I admit, “How is my name still Renée? What about my family?”

“You’ve always been Renée. Your family were the same in your previous life. Your dad still mourned the loss of your mum, your sister has always been a bitch, and your Grandad has always visited the circus.”

I want to focus on him calling Lydia a bitch, but I feel like that is the obvious even though she has been kind to me recently. Instead, my mind goes to the correct place.

“Grandad told me about Elle the elephant.”

“I recognised him when I saw him all those years ago. Henry told me it wouldn’t be long until you showed up, but I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t believe him in case it never happened and then Lukas knocked on my door and everything changed…” Phoenix drops to his knees in front of me. I turn to face him and rest my forehead on his.

“You’re home now, Renée. I will look after you and I’ll make sure you’re never taken from me again. I never thought it was possible before, but now I know, and it will never happen again. You’re home now.” His voice gradually gets quieter and I’m not sure if he is repeating those words you’re home now, for my sake or his. I just know I feel a warmth inside me every time he says it.

“I’m not immortal though, Phoenix. Not in this life. Won’t I out-age you and die?”

“No, I think once you remember who you are, you’ll naturally change. I need to ask Arabella.”

“To live forever?”

Panic instantly sets in. These last couple of days may be like something out of a dream, but what about my grief? What about the memories of my uncle? Even when the thoughts mute themselves, it’s only briefly. They are always there. Always reminding me what happened. Always demanding I feel the pain over and over again. Sometimes the pain sits heavy on my shoulders and I struggle to move myself, even out of bed. Sometimes it is just a small rock in my pocket. It’s always there though. Always.

“With me,” he says so gently and just like that, the panic is gone.