Page 16 of The Wonder of You

Phoenix kisses me. I put my hands on his cheek and lean backwards, falling onto the sofa. My heart surges with love as he towers over me and continues to kiss me. I feel his hand reach under my top and grab my bare waist. He must be able to feel the goosebumps that cover my body. I let out a whimper as he kisses my cheek, my jawline, my neck. I hear the way his breath catches every now and then, as if he’s been waiting for this moment for too long. He takes his jacket off and throws it behind him, ignoring the fact it catches his cup and knocks over his coffee. All he is focussed on is me.

“May I?” he asks as he goes to lift my top.

I nod.

I let him pull my top over my head and the minute it’s off, he’s kissing me everywhere. My belly button and all the way up to my breasts. He pulls my bra to the side and his mouth closes around my nipple. My back arches. Phoenix takes this as an opportunity to put one arm underneath me and hold me closer to him as his tongue trails over my breast. I am breathless and I feel a tingling sensation so intense that I think I might explode any minute. I close my eyes and wonder if I have truly fallen into heaven. Being held like this by Phoenix is so perfect. I’m not sure if this circus is my home, this cabin, or if it’s just Phoenix. Wherever he is, I am meant to be. Home is another person and Phoenix is my person. Phoenix is my everything .

I cry out as he sucks on my neck. I can tell he is becoming lost in the moment, forgetting the current situation as he kisses me passionately. All he sees right now is his lost love back in his arms. I don’t blame him, but the rush it’s sending through my body brings the Renée from this world back to me. As Phoenix slowly moves his hand underneath my jeans and into my underwear, a strong forceful memory punches me in the face. I try to move past it, try to maintain my breathing and remember I am safe in this present moment with Phoenix, but as his fingers brush between my legs, I am jolted with fear.

Why is uncle Carl doing this? When are Nan and Grandad going to get home? He won’t listen to me when I ask him to stop. He shushes me and I am paralysed with a terror too strong for my young brain to comprehend.

“Stop,” I cry out, moving myself backwards and away from him. I curl into a ball and cry, my breathing erratic. I put my hands over my face and try to steady my thoughts, my breathing, otherwise I think I will puke on the floor.

“Renée,” Phoenix’s voice is so soft, so filled with pity. I can’t imagine how he feels now that the girl he loves has recoiled away from him in fear. I hope he knows it’s not because of him. I may be his long-lost love, but I’m still the tortured Renée from this world and I don’t know if that will ever go away .

“Would you like me to leave?” he asks. I can sense him standing.

“No, please stay with me, I’m sorry,” I finally manage to say. He kneels down beside me again and wraps his arm around my back.

“Always,” he whispers and kisses my cheek. “And don’t apologise to me, okay? I am sorry I pushed you into something you’re not ready for.”

His hand softly rubs my hair.

“I am ready Phoenix, I want to do that with you… but, there’s stuff about me you don’t know and I can’t tell you. You might not want me if I tell you,” I sob. Everyone looked at me differently after Uncle Carl. Will Phoenix run when he learns how dirty and tainted I am? Was my story the same in my past life so he already knows? Have I always been destined for a life of pain and stolen innocence?

“We belong together, Renée. I will always want you and I will always need you. When you’re ready, I want you to tell me what happened. This weight is too heavy for you to carry alone. Give some of it to me and we can get rid of it together,” he says gently.

I can’t.

Can I?

I have never spoken about it, not really. I mentioned it to Nan very briefly before she died.

Therapy was always talking about managing my emotions for the future. My therapist never felt it was appropriate to speak about the past. I ran away from the girls who taunted me at school. I put my hands over my ears when Dad would leave the room and Lydia did the same.

“I was six years old,” I sob, feeling sick just saying that young age. “He took my whole childhood. My grandparents tried to repair it, but it was always there, and it’s still there and I’m so scared. He went to prison, but I worry he will come back.”

Phoenix grips the back of my head so tightly I think it’s him holding me together, making sure I don’t break into tiny puzzle pieces.

“He won’t, he never will and I am here, I will kill the man before he even looks at you. Did you hear what I said?” His voice is so firm and controlled that I know he is telling the truth.

I nod, finding myself calming down.

“Will you be honest with me, Phoenix? How did we meet? Take me back to the night we met.” I want to know the answer because a feeling in my stomach tells me that my life - back then as much as now - has never been perfect.

Phoenix takes a deep breath.

“You came to the circus with your sister. I knew you were my soulmate the minute I met you and I think you did too. I took you to Toni’s performance just like tonight and won you a prize at Henry’s stall.”

I smile, charmed that he relived our first meeting with me again tonight.

“And then after you went home, your sister came back and approached me. It was different times back then. She wanted to know if she could sell you to me. She had it all planned out and gave me different options about what to do once I gave her the money. She said she could find an herb to put in your tea to make you sleep, or I could just kidnap you in the night. She offered me rope, even told me to hit you if you fought. After your grandparents and mother died, they didn’t have much, but they did have enough to survive comfortably, she just wanted more. She tried making herself sound good, saying she would use the money to help keep your father with food in his cupboard. I have a feeling she would have kept it to herself.”

My mouth drops, but I somehow don’t feel all that surprised. She has always been selfish. There isn’t much she wouldn’t do to keep herself coming out on top.

“She never knew we had already spent the night together. She had left you that night as well to be with a man she had met. When you came back the following day, you asked if you could come with me. When you wanted to say goodbye to your family, I told you everything. We left without any goodbyes and never saw them again. I have no idea if she thought you left with me by your own choice or if I did kidnap you and just didn’t give her the money. Your family died in a fire when their kingdom fell, that was all I knew.”

I am speechless. I hate Lydia, although that’s not who Lydia is now. I finally understand why Phoenix looked at her the way he did when I passed out. To him, she’s always been the same Lydia. I wonder if society was the same as the old days, she’d try selling me now so she could have Nan and Grandad’s money? So much for family and loyalty.