Page 45 of The Wonder of You

Phoenix and I are like giggly teenagers this morning. It turns out we didn’t get much sleep after all, but not because we couldn’t sleep, simply because we wouldn’t. We had a lot of lost time to make up for. I bite my lip every time I look over at him. I still had to remind myself that I was okay, work on my breathing, and bat away some bad memories that attempted to find their way into my mind. But after a few times of having sex, I felt more and more at home. I could close my eyes and enjoy every sensation waving through my body, knowing I was wrapped in a big safety bubble. There wasn’t a moment I wanted to pull away, even when Phoenix got more passionate. Phoenix is my person and with him, everything is perfect. Those moments of doubt are saved by a voice that reminds me this is what I want. I believe that voice is me, another version of me from another time. As life goes on, I know that voice will get stronger. I know these twenty-nine years of misery will slowly start to fade away, and I’ll truly know happiness the way I did before.

We drink more coffee and there is a lot more catching up with people who I didn’t get to give all my time to last night. There’s plenty of time for that now, though. Every time someone comes over, I have a minute of waiting for an introduction and then I’m filled with memories of them. I remember everything from their name to how we met the first time, to some of the jokes we told each other. There has been a lot of crying, but I feel more relaxed than I ever believed was possible. As usual though, with my life, whenever things look up, they always go back down. I climb the mountain and I don’t just go back down it; someone pushes me off. But for once, I’m not worrying about that.

“Renée.” Lukas has a serious expression on his face as he finds Phoenix and I enjoying a moment alone outside the cabin. It might sound silly, but I just want to stare at my lover all day, and why shouldn’t I? Why should I worry about what someone else has to say about us? As much as I’ve missed Lukas, I wish he would leave us alone for now.

“Can this wait?” Phoenix asks. Lukas shakes his head, looking at me.

“Your sister is here asking for you,” he tells me.

My heart drops.

The girl who tried setting up my kidnapping is here.

But no. She’s not that person anymore. I have to give her the benefit of the doubt.

I walk towards the entrance of the circus, still feeling baffled by the wonder of this place and all its colourful tents and stalls. Lydia stands with her hands on her hips, waiting for me. It feels like a lifetime since I’ve seen her, and seeing her brings back memories of the person she is and the person she once was. It’s not a good feeling. She shakes her head in a disapproving manner as she spots me.

“Renée Stipe!” she shouts at me as if I don’t know my own name, as if I am a child who needs a good telling off. She doesn’t give me any time to answer her, though .

“Where the fuck have you been?”

“Woah, why are you so angry?” I ask defensively.

“Because I went to the house a couple of times and you weren’t there, Dad was worried!”

“Dad was worried?” Some part of me wants to linger on that fact, but I stop myself. Now is not the time. I tilt my chin up. “I have a life besides being at the house.”

“Do you?” she tilts her head with her sarcastic question.

“Yeah, I do. I’ve been here.”

“This whole time? Here?”

I nod. Her eyes widen.

“What an earth, Renée? You meet a strange man and the next minute you’re staying here with him… did you sleep in his cabin?”

“Don’t call him strange! Besides, if you really feel so angry about it, why did you give him my address?”

“Because I thought you were getting to know him. I didn’t think you’d be having a one-night stand with him!” Her voice gets more high-pitched as she speaks.

“It wasn’t a one-night stand, Lydia.” I try to keep my voice firm; I don’t want it to break. She’s not the boss of me. I am not scared of her.

“What was it then? A two-night stand? How many times have you given yourself to him? I didn’t think you were such a whore, Renée!”

I stand back, totally shocked and speechless.

“This isn’t you, not at all. Has he drugged you or something? ”

Again, I can’t believe what I am hearing from my sister. She is allowed a boyfriend, but I’m not? I can’t convince myself that the sister who once tried organising my kidnapping in another life is trying to look out for me. If she was, why would she be so angry and have the audacity to call me a whore?

“I really like him, Lydia. None of this is your business anyway, okay?” It’s hard to keep calm, but I am trying my best.

“What are you going to do when they leave?” she stands tall, her hands on her hips again, an annoying pout on her face. “Will you find another circus freak to screw? What are you going to do next, fuck the clown? I guess the name Stripey Stipey will suit you here.”

“What the hell are you on, Lydia? To start with, because it’s about time I said it, that’s your last name too. Should I call you that as well? And why are you so worked up about this? Don’t call them freaks, they’re not freaks. They’re my friends.”

No, they’re my family, I think to myself, but I won’t jump into calling them that in front of my sister. I’ve likely done enough damage with the whole speech that just rambled out of my mouth.

Lydia laughs so loud and so falsely that it sounds like a witch’s cackle. I sense Phoenix and maybe Henry standing somewhere behind me, probably trying to look busy, but actually keeping an eye out for me.

“They are your friends? You’ve known them for a day, Renée!” I hate the way she says my name, almost spitting it out. “They’re not your friends and you have given yourself to someone you don’t know . ”

I do know him.

I take a deep breath so I don’t say it out loud. If I start saying things like that, Lydia will convince herself that I have been drugged, or maybe I have finally lost my mind. I don’t need her or Dad calling a doctor.

“I’m twenty-nine, I can make my own choices.” I remind her.

“Sleeping with a man after one day though, Renée? Don’t you have any respect for yourself? What about everything you went through?”

“Bloody hell, Lydia!” I slap my hands on the sides of my legs in frustration. Why does she have to come along and ruin this? “It’s been over twenty years and I am doing my best to move past it. I am allowed a happy future with a man despite being raped as a child. Don’t start acting like you care now.”

Anger fills my bones, I know my words are horrible, but they are true. It happened to me , not to her.

Lydia is speechless for a moment; I can tell her mind is freaking out with what I’ve just said. Is it a surprise to her that I’ve just said that awful word out loud? Did she know the full extent of what our uncle did to me? Or did Dad keep her in the dark? I take a shaky breath.

“I want to move on, I can move on. People like me can still have a happy future.”

“I get that,” her voice is softer now. “But what are you talking about? A future with this man? He’s a traveller, Renée. They’re going to leave.”

I don’t know how to respond because I haven’t thought of this bit. Home has always been with the circus, with Phoenix. As a circus, though, we’ve never had an actual permanent home because we’ve always been on the road, both in the immortal world and this world.

Panic fills me, but I attempt to fight it off. I’ve just inherited my grandparents’ house, but how can I go back there after all this? It’s not even a consideration.

I am home now; I belong with Phoenix. The idea of being without him again, especially now that I know what I’ve been missing, makes bile rise to my throat.

“You haven’t thought about it have you?” Lydia questions me as I fall into silence.

“I don’t need to right now.”

“Yes, you do!” she screams. I stand back again, shocked at her outburst. “You got Nan and Grandad’s house, Renée! A whole bloody house and money! Do you know what they left me? Nothing!”

Ah, there it is. The inheritance.

“You never bothered with them,” I reply calmly.

“But I am still their granddaughter!”

“I would have easily exchanged all that they have given me so I could have had a normal childhood, so that I could have the relationship you have with Dad. I got money, but I never got love, not like you did.”

“Grandad worshipped you.”

“And he had room inside him to do that for us both! You never wanted it. Dad could have loved us both, but he never did. He loved you; he could barely look at me after what happened. ”

“Here it is again!” She laughs that horrible laugh that makes my nervous system feel as if it’s going to explode. “It’s all about you!”

I fall quiet. I don’t see it that way at all. Maybe she is right, but it doesn’t feel that way in the slightest. I watch the way her face goes bright red, the anger that seems to be shaking through her body.

“You know, I can’t fucking stand you sometimes!” she growls at me, I knew this bubble of hate for me she was keeping locked away was going to burst eventually.

“The feeling is mutual, Lydia,” I say with a calm smile. Her face drops and so does my smile when she reaches forward and slaps me so hard, I fall to the ground.