Page 48 of The Wonder of You

After Maudie declares she needs a nap from the exhausting task of painting ladybugs on rocks, I watch Phoenix continue to help with the stubborn pole that has come loose from a tent. I can’t believe my eyes as I stare at him and this beauty around me in general. Everything is perfect.

Lukas sits on the deckchair beside me and smiles.

“I really doubt he wanted to help when he’s just got you back,” he chuckles.

“It’s good to see him getting involved, though, isn’t it? We’re slowly getting back to normal.”

Lukas’ smile fades a little.

“Nothing has been normal since you left, Renée. Nothing at all. We’ve missed you so much. I felt such an ache in my heart the second you disappeared. I didn’t even feel that way when Cheri walked away… I knew if I felt that way, Phoenix must have been in hell.”

My eyes instantly blur with tears.

“We tried to keep going, but it’s been hard. We’ve all been waiting for you to come back. I’m not sure what we would have done if there wasn’t hope you’d be back one day. I’m not sure we’d have lasted.”

I swallow, feeling the weight of his words. Am I really so important to these people that the world stopped turning when I disappeared? I reach forward and squeeze Lukas’ hand. It’s so nice sharing this affection with other people .

“I missed you all, too. Maybe not in the same way considering I forgot everything, but I think I knew, somewhere deep inside, that I was waiting for something. It kept me going through all the hardest times in this life, trying to believe that there was something good to live for just waiting for me. I think my love for you all, for Phoenix, was just too strong. The minute I came here, I knew I was home.”

We share a moment in silence together. Phoenix and Henry laugh as the tent flaps around in the wind, making it difficult to amend. Toni shakes her head as if they’re two naughty little boys, but I can see the joy on her face. She reminds me of a happy grandma, although she’s far from that old. Well, she doesn’t look that old but I suppose, logically, she is as old as can be.

“You know,” a sudden thought comes to me. “I might go back to the house and just figure things out for a moment, get some clothes together… the circus isn’t leaving yet, so I have more time to figure things out with the house.” I’m babbling, not really trusting my own thoughts, not really wanting to go back, but knowing I should.

“You don’t want Phoenix to go with you?” Lukas asks, looking concerned.

“No, I’ll be fine, he really needs this.” I nod my head towards him where he is laughing with his buddy. Henry is enjoying this moment, it’s so obvious from the delight on his face. They’ve missed me, but they’ve missed Phoenix too. It sounds like we both died that day, but while I was gone completely, Phoenix’s ghost haunted the circus. It must have been hard for them to see their friend in such a way and now they have him back. I want them to bathe in that joy.

“You be careful,” Lukas says sternly. I am comforted by their love for me, but I have been alone for twenty-nine years. I can handle this, I can handle the house and yes, I can handle my sister. Even after all that has happened, she can’t hurt me now.

I set off alone for my house. It doesn’t take long to walk, but this route feels so strange now. So much has changed since I was here last. When my grandparents’ house, my house, comes into view, it feels like a thousand years ago I was here last. A whole different lifetime.

So much has changed in such a short time, but completely for the better. I almost don’t want to be here, but I have to get some closure.

Confusion seizes me when I go to unlock the door and realise it’s already unlocked. I know I locked this, despite reliving years’ worth of memories in a night, I know I locked this door. Did Dad unlock it, perhaps? No, he wouldn’t do that, would he? I hope to God he didn’t give a key to Lydia. I push the door open and I’m met with silence.

“Dad?” I shout as I walk further into the kitchen. What could him or Lydia possibly be doing? Maybe I did forget to lock it when Phoenix met me, too fascinated by him to remember.

My thoughts are broken by the most terrifying sight, the most terrifying voice. My bladder wants to empty itself as I realise this is not a nightmare .

“Hello, Renée.” Uncle Carl emerges from the living room. Twenty years has affected him badly. His face is wrinkly and droopy. His hair is gone. But he still has those horrible eyes, that horrible smirk. He looks me up and down in a way that sends a chill through my body. He’s going to kill me, isn’t he? I’ve just got my life on track and he’s going to kill me. I don’t know if Phoenix will have it in him to wait another hundred years for me.

Phoenix.

Why didn’t I bring him with me? Have I always been so stupid?

It hits me that I only had the chance of rebirth because the witches cast a spell on me. They wanted me to relive again, they wanted me to go through a childhood of hell and forget my previous life. So, if I just die at the hands of another person today, will I actually die for good?

“You’ve grown,” he says. I am frozen into the spot. It feels like I’ve done a backflip and all my organs have fallen out around me. I’m dead, but somehow, I’m still alive. It reminds me of the sleep paralysis I struggled with as a teenager. I knew what was going on, but I was unable to move, unable to scream.

Carl has always been the demon haunting me.

“How are you here?” I finally mumble, my inner child finding its way into my brain and making my voice sound weak.

“I got out, did no one tell you? It isn’t hard to get into a locked door, little Renée.” He grins.

Little Renée.

I feel sick to my stomach .

“You told on me, you bitch. You ruined my life. I told you not to tell.”

“I didn’t tell,” I whimper. “I was a child. Nan used to bathe me, dress me, she knew without me telling her. How can you think otherwise?”

It doesn’t get through to him. He actually thinks it was me who ruined his life and not the other way around.

He’s still evil even after all these years.

Maybe Grandad was right, maybe he was born this way. Maybe there was nothing anyone could have done to make him different. But no matter what, I can’t return the power back to his hands. I’m stronger now. I have to fight for myself the way I couldn’t back then.

“I want you to leave,” I choke out.

Come on Renée, you can do this!

But there is a look in his eyes that tells me he has the upper hand.

It’s me who needs to get out of here.

“I don’t think so.” His lips twitch into a smirk and I run towards the door.

I scream as he arms wrap around my waist. He throws me onto the floor, grabbing my hair, lifting me and slamming my head onto the table. My vision blurs and bile fills my throat. I kick out and manage to boot his leg. It might be weak with my dizzy head, but it catches him off guard. I run towards the living room, knowing there is no point in trying to get to the door when he’s standing in front of it. I need to look for something big to hit him with, but as I run, I feel like I am on a rocking boat. I can barely stay upright, but I need to work through this potential concussion.

Panic rushes through my bones, so much so that it wants to overpower me and just let me accept death.

But no, Carl cannot win and I want to live.

That’s right.

I want to live.

I am brutally reminded that I may not get the opportunity as a punch hits me in the back of the head and I fall to the ground. Large hands spin me around to my front.

My heart slams in my chest as Carl leans over me with a knife in his hands.