Page 35 of The Wonder of You

Immortal Land

Golden Valley

1950

Toni storms into the cabin in her usual manner with Lukas following behind like a puppy catching up with the leader of the pack.

“Wake up, Phoenix,” she demands as she whips open his curtains to let some much-needed sunlight in. “When was the last time you showered? Have you even changed that suit of yours? Come on now, at least shower and wash it, then you can put it back on if you like.”

“Or I can dig out some clean trousers or something,” Lukas suggests.

“I think he wants the suit; you know how much Renée liked it.” Toni reminds him. “Phoenix, come on, get up. You must eat.”

“Piss off!” Phoenix mumbles from the comfort of his bed. While he appreciates his family checking on him, sometimes it’s too much. He knows he should shower more, open the curtains from time to time, he knows he should eat, but he can’t. He tries to imagine Renée telling him to do these things, sometimes it’s the only way he can push himself through it. Toni makes a wonderful motherly figure, but right now, he wishes she would leave him alone .

“Don’t be so rude,” she chuckles at him. “Is this what Renée would want?”

“Don’t do that,” he mutters again but he sits up this time and accepts a coffee from Lukas. He wonders how these people have tolerated him for so long, chosen family or not.

Toni sits on the side of the bed and rubs his knee.

“Phoenix, she will be back. I know it’s hard, but you’ll find her. She’ll find you.”

He doesn’t respond.

“Can you try getting up and keeping yourself healthy, though? Eat, please! I don’t want you wasting away. Your eyes are so sunken, Phoenix.” Her voice turns sad as she inspects him further. “You’ll turn to dust.”

“Happily,” he groans, knowing how miserable he sounds, but also not caring.

“And how will I explain that to Renée when she’s back? Sorry my girl, but he wasted away, turned to dust, you’ll find it in the cabin.”

Phoenix rolls his eyes.

“I’m not threatening you, Phoenix, but if you don’t start getting up and showering, opening these damn curtains and eating, I’ll call the doctor… or worse, I’ll get the boys to hold you down and force feed you.”

She sighs as Phoenix doesn’t respond, or even show any emotion to what she has just said. Lukas comes over and pushes Phoenix’s hair out of his face, although his hand gets trapped in numerous knots. It makes him want to cry for his friend and what he is going through. He has had many nights of Maudie waking up from a nightmare crying out for Renée. It saddens him that Phoenix probably experiences those nightmares too, but he wakes alone. He swipes some dust off the table, glancing out the window to make sure Maudie is still happily engaged with Henry at the game stall. Then he notices something on the floor. A piece of paper with notes on it. He picks it up and looks at the scribbles.

Phoenix has written a performance idea. Some of kind of lover’s dance where the couple swing around trying to reach out to each other, until they’re finally reunited. Lukas’ heart warms.

“Phoenix,” he whispers. “This is amazing, have you shown Toni?”

Phoenix instantly looks up, his eyes widening when he sees what Lukas is holding. He stands quick and snatches it back.

“That’s mine. I don’t come into your cabin looking through your things.”

“Well, no, but we’re trying to help keep this place tidy. I can’t help that I found it.”

“And you went ahead and read it?”

“It is circus related.” Lukas says weakly, glancing up at Toni who is watching their dispute play out.

“I don’t give a fuck about this circus.” Phoenix shouts as he goes to rip the paper up, but Toni’s casual demeaner changes. She is quick with her hands to grab the paper. She could tell from how Lukas read this in admiration that it is something important.

The tension leaves her shoulders as she reads the dance performance. Her hand goes to her heart. Phoenix has doodled a couple high in the air. The woman on a swing, the man dangling from ribbons as he tries reaching for her.

“Oh Phoenix, you wrote this?” the pride in her voice even makes Lukas relax. She seems like a proud mother, something so many of them never got to experience outside of the circus.

“It’s nothing,” he mumbles.

“It’s everything. I know the right pair who could do this. I can get it arranged and you can watch it.” She squeezes his shoulder.

“No. You can do it. But I won’t be there, and you can’t make me.”

If it wasn’t for their loss, she’d smile at his childlike attitude. She understands him though, of course she does. Phoenix without Renée is the sky without stars. She knows her own pain and grief is bad enough, how must Phoenix feel? She can’t imagine.

“Renée would be so proud of you for this, Phoenix,” she tells him, and a tear threatens to run down her cheek as he sees his lips sink downwards. This is a start for him. She can push this a little.

“Here is an idea, why don’t you get up every morning, shower, eat, drink, and go arrange some of Renée’s painted rocks? Perhaps you’ll feel a connection with her,” Toni suggests.

Phoenix looks up at this.

“Okay,” he whispers, he opens his mouth again, but the words struggle to come out. Toni reaches forward and holds his hand .

“I miss her,” he whimpers. He is so boy-like in these moments that Toni can’t help but mother him, she leans forward again and kisses his forehead.

“Not for much longer Phoenix, I promise,” is all she musters before exiting the cabin. She moves away quickly with the paper tightly in her hands. She wants to read this again; she wants to arrange practise for it as soon as possible. More importantly though, she wants to cry in peace. Lukas follows shortly after. Maudie smiles at him when her father greets her outside, but her smile hasn’t been the same since the events of that awful day.