Page 42 of The Wonder of You

I open my eyes, seeing the sun beams attempting to make their way through the gaps in the curtains. I can’t believe I slept through the night without any dreams. I hear the soft snoring of Phoenix beside me. I didn’t know listening to snoring could be so relaxing. I could fall asleep all over again. Waking up beside him feels so safe, so… right. A part of me is still conflicted about past Renée and current Renée, but I remind myself that regardless of the magic of past lives, I am still both of those people. I am still the Renée who met Phoenix for the first ever time, who died at the hands of witches, who was somehow reborn, met new people and faced a trauma too brutal to focus on. There is no before and after, there is just now.

I run my hand over Phoenix’s bare chest, my fingers tracing circles on his skin. My hand stops at the top of his pants. The idea of sex still makes me nervous, but I have had sex with him before. I remember our first night together when I ran away from home. We fell asleep in each other’s arms just like we did last night. We were exhausted from all the moving and trying to get away as quickly as possible. It was about a week after that we made love.

Phoenix was my first time.

My first kiss.

My first love.

My first everything .

“Morning,” he says gently. I look up at him and smile.

“Sorry,” I giggle as I move my hand away from his pants.

“I’m all yours, you know that.” He smiles as he rubs his hand up and down my arm.

I sit up and place myself on top of him, my legs either side of his stomach. Phoenix’s hands grab my waist and he looks up at me with a sparkle in his eyes. It reassures me that this is what I want to do.

I am not tainted by my past. I am not some used and abused mess who cannot find happiness, who cannot enjoy the simple pleasures in life with someone she loves. My childhood was robbed from me, but my future doesn’t have to be.

No, it won’t be.

I kiss Phoenix’s waistline, just above the top of his pants. I hear him catch his breath which alights a small, but passionate fire inside of me. I move up, kissing his chest, his neck. I’m turned on in a way I haven’t ever been in this lifetime. I remember there was once nothing I loved more than this alone time with Phoenix, where we could share each other and become one. Confidence surges through me as I grab his face and start kissing him. Phoenix holds onto me tightly and I don’t retreat as I feel his tongue in my mouth. He rolls me over onto my back and lifts my top above my head. I feel my breathing stagger, but I don’t stop him. I’ve missed this, I’ve missed him.

It's him.

Everything is him .

No one else.

This is Phoenix, I remind myself as his tongue slides over my breast, his lips capturing my nipple and making me moan. He knows just what to do and how to make me feel comfortable. He takes it slow, moving upward to kiss my neck. He hovers over me, looking down at my face.

“You are beautiful, every part of you, and as much as I want to devour you right now, we can wait.”

“We’ve waited long enough, Phoenix. You can’t tell me you want to devour me and then stop,” I chuckle. His eyes light up.

“Are you sure?”

I answer him with a kiss. And then there’s no stopping us. He quickly edges out of his pants. My heart thuds as he pulls down my underwear and tosses them to the side of the room.

“Phoenix,” I cry out as he enters me gently. I need to say his name out loud to remember that this is him. I keep my eyes open as we kiss to remind myself, I am safe in his arms.

It’s okay to feel like this, I tell myself. I’ve had sex with Phoenix before, but this feels like the first time all over again. This new body of mine has never known his touch this way. I remind myself that other people probably feel like they’re experiencing something new with their long-term partner after being abused by someone else. It must feel scary to do it again, how can you act like that horror didn’t happen? They must suffer from some sort of flashbacks while it’s happening, even though they’re desperate to relax and enjoy themselves with someone they are safe with.

It doesn’t go away, not fully.

I am normal.

I am no different to anyone else with this horrible shared experience.

I am with Phoenix.

I am safe.

I am enjoying this, more than I ever thought I would.

He thrusts harder and I can see the passion in his eyes as he looks down at me. He gently cradles the back of my head as it arches up through my whimpers.

“I will never let anyone take you from me again. I’ll kill anyone who even tries it,” he says. He thrusts harder. “I won’t even hesitate.”

Oh lord, I think I’m going to die all over again.

His passion for me is such a turn on. I know other women may judge me for falling for his protectiveness, which some may call possessiveness, but damn, I don’t care. I want someone to want me, I want someone to need me and I want that someone to be Phoenix.

Call me weak, but I’ll give myself to him over and over again.

“You’re mine, Renée. Tell me you know that.” He thrusts harder. “Tell me.”

I remember this is how things used to be, how we’d make love, but it would turn into fiery passion. No wonder I used to get him to put his hand over my mouth, but I’m too late in doing so. I let out a cry of pleasure.

“Tell me,” he whispers as a grin takes his face .

“I’m yours, Phoenix, I belong to you.” And with that, I am in heaven. I thrust upwards to make us work together, harder and faster. I grip his shoulders and grumble. I continue to keep my eyes open although they desperately want to shut and take in this moment, but I need to keep my focus on him, on his face. I need to stay in this present moment and not allow my mind to ruin it by transporting me to the past.

“Phoenix,” I cry out again. I repeat his name over and over. At first, it’s reassurement to myself and then it just becomes a thing I start doing as I can’t control the tingles shooting through my body. Eventually, we finish together and he drops on top of me. He buries his head in my hair. We’re both out of breath like we’ve run a marathon. I run my hand through his soft wavy hair and feel so fortunate to be back here with him. It’s beyond me that I am like this, but I am still so horny and I find myself nibbling on his earlobe like it’s some kind of treat.

“God, I love you, Phoenix,” I tell him as I kiss his cheek.

“I love you too. I’ll keep you safe now,” he reassures me again. With his words, the passion for a round two slowly burns out and instead, I just want to enjoy this moment in each other’s arms. My breathing hitches every now and then, I know it’s because Phoenix’s weight is on top of me still, but I don’t want him to move off. I want him to stay like this longer. I want to hold onto him and keep him out of harm’s way like he does for me. I don’t ever want to be apart again.