Page 20 of The Wonder of You

Phoenix and I watch one of the shows together. It’s called Circus Nightmares and quite frankly, it is marvellous. The acrobats spin around in the most shocking and flexible ways. I love their dark outfits and their black and white face paint. A large bearded woman stands to the side and claps her hands and I can see tears lingering around her eyes. Her smile radiates her pride.

As the show ends, Phoenix takes my hand and my heart jumps straight out of my chest. I don’t want to scare him away by acting like an excited, love-struck child, but I guess some part of me is one. We wait until everyone but bearded woman has left. She stands in the corner of the ring pulling out materials from a box which look like clothing for the performers. Lydia would go wild for this, although I imagine these bright colours are not to her style.

“Toni,” he calls to her as we descend into the ring. “I’d like you to meet Renée.” He introduces me with a large smile and sparkling eyes, as if he’s known me for years. I can hardly believe he’s showing me off to his friends. My heart continues to swell. No one has shown me this kind of affection before. No one has ever looked proud of me.

“Hello, young lady, did you enjoy the show?” she asks.

“It was wonderful, everyone is so talented.”

“Thank you, that they are,” she smiles, her eyes flit between the two of us. “Well, I see you have our Phoenix here rather smitten, so I’ll let you get on, shall I?” she grins at him. There is a look on her face I can’t quite work out, but I think it says you’ve got to tell me more later!

I am envious of this large, happy family. Could I belong to something like this? With a man like Phoenix by my side?

“What do you do here?” I question as we walk out into the field beneath the night sky; the fresh air feels good on my face after sitting in the warm, crowded tent.

“I mostly just manage it all. I suppose I’m not like most ringmasters, so I’m not sure if I can really call myself that at all to be honest. My staff, they are so talented and fantastic at what they do, I want them to take centre stage. Most evenings I just walk around and make sure everyone is happy,” he says, his eyes focused on mine the whole time.

“I think you’d look very good centre stage,” I say and then giggle, my cheeks feeling as if they’re going bright red. I cover my face with my hands. “God, I’m sorry, I sound like I’m flirting, and very badly too!”

Phoenix gently removes my hands from my face.

“I appreciate it, I am glad to impress you.” He smiles that oh so charming smile of his. His cheeks are slightly pink, making me wonder if he is blushing too. He looks me over and for a short, sweet moment, I wonder if he is going to kiss me.

I would like him to kiss me.

I am nervous though, I’ve never kissed anyone before and quite honestly, I’ve never wanted to.

But now, everything has changed .

The atmosphere has shifted.

My heart is full.

He hesitates and I wonder if he thinks it is me that might not want this. If I had more confidence, I’d tip-toe up and kiss him first, but I’m terrified I’ll do it wrong.

Can you kiss wrong?

What if I end up smacking his cheek with my lips instead?

What if I accidently headbutt him?

After a tense moment, he clears his throat.

“The next show has a dance on, would you care to join me?”

I’d run away with you in a heartbeat , I think. Instead, I just nod, somewhat disappointed that the moment of thinking he would kiss me is over. But there’s also a feeling dwelling that I’ve never felt before.

Love.

Am I in love?

Is this really happening?

Dancing with Phoenix is like I’ve fallen into the most welcomed dream possible. I never want it to end. He is so gentle with me. I giggle as he spins me around and his constant stare has my heart slamming in my chest at a rate that I think might kill me off. Is it possible he is thinking the same as me?

“You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, Renée,” he says softly.

There is a lump in my throat that makes it impossible to thank him or return a compliment. But I smile at him and that seems to be enough. He draws his body even closer to mine.

I notice from the side of the tent that a clown is watching us. He looks fascinated by Phoenix and I dancing.

“Do I need to be afraid of the clown?” I ask Phoenix light-heartedly.

He laughs. “No, Lukas is one big bear, I can tell he is dying to come over.”

He looks over at the man who is obviously a close friend and mouths go away. Lukas smiles and shakes his head to indicate no . When the music ends, he does indeed come towards us. Phoenix doesn’t let go of my hand which is clearly noticed by Lukas. His grin is childlike, and I can tell he has lots of questions worming around inside his brain.

“Well, hello. It’s rare I see our mysterious and quiet Phoenix dancing with a pretty lady. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this before…” He looks at Phoenix, his eyes so wide it’s almost comical. “Does someone have a little crush?”

Phoenix nudges him playfully. “Piss off, would you? Haven’t you got something better to do?”

“No, I’d rather watch my friend fall in love.”

I drop my head, but I notice that this time, Phoenix’s pale skin brightens to pink.

“I’m Lukas, number one clown,” the man says with a grin. He reaches his hand toward me.

I shake it. “I’m Renée, it’s nice to meet you, I like your makeup. ”

“Thank you, but it’s not make-up. This is just me, I am afraid.” He doesn’t look sad about his statement; he says it like he has to say it all the time. I am unsure what he means, though. Is he joking or is this man actually a clown? I don’t have time to ask and perhaps that would be rude and intrusive of me anyway.

“Are you staying over tonight, Renée? We usually have little treats over the firepit. They’re like pillows of sweetened gum. Delicious . We do it when the guests leave, but I have a very strong feeling that you are one guest who is more than welcome to stay.” He pokes Phoenix in the side like a teasing little brother. I blush at the thought.

“I’d love to, but I should probably find my sister. I can’t imagine she would be happy if I tried staying here, and I really don’t want any more problems with my sister. She’d probably lock me in the outhouse.”

It all comes out in a rush and I giggle nervously at my excessive babbling. Phoenix looks disappointed, but I can’t tell if the sadness in his eyes is because I cannot stay or because of my little babble about my not so good home life. Lukas seems to sense his friend is lost for words.

“You will come back tomorrow night, though?”

“I’d like that, if you would?” I look up at Phoenix, sensing Lukas leaving us together for this moment. He squeezes my hand.

“More than anything,” Phoenix whispers.

I wish I knew what was going through his head right now. I want to know if we are on the same page. We stare at each other, but I feel comfortable with him in ways I’ve never felt comfortable with anyone.

I hate being stared at, but with Phoenix, I feel safe.

I feel… I am afraid of how I feel. I don’t want this to end.

“Renée, can I kiss you?”

A tingle takes over my body and my hands shake…this is happening.

“I would like that, Phoenix, but I’ve never kissed anyone before and I am worried that you’ll be disappointed with me…”

But before I can embarrass myself further with my long and unnecessary babble, he bends down with hungry eyes and kisses me. His hands place themselves on either side of my face and he holds me tightly as our lips find each other. His lips are so soft. His thumb rubs over my jawline as his tongue teases mine. I breathe heavily as a desire to take this further fills me. My knees wobble as a very deep thought slams into my chest, concerning me that I’ll drop to the floor. My life will never be the same.

Everything that has happened to me has led to this moment.

His breath hitches as he leans out, as if he wants more. He rubs his nose over mine and slowly opens his eyes. He looks at me like a child astonished by a new sight.

I wonder what his next action will be. If he’ll suggest going somewhere more private. I am unsure what my answer would be to that, but I want more time with him. I want to experience that kiss again. I have a feeling that every time will feel like the first. Instead, though, he leans forward and kisses my forehead in a way I think might cure any ounce of pain I’ve ever felt. In a way that heals all my invisible and painful scars.

I am whole and I never want to go home.

“Meet me by the gates tomorrow?” he murmurs.

I nod breathlessly.

“Yes, wait for me, I will have to sneak out.”

“I will wait for you. If you don’t show up, I’ll just come to your house.”

He smiles and I truly believe him.