Page 14 of The Wonder of You

The ticket man smiles as Phoenix and I pass through the entrance booth and walk into the wonder that is the circus. I squeeze his hand tighter and remind myself of the beauty of the tents and all their traditional colours. I feel like a child again as I admire everything. As we walk closer to the big tops and all the game and food stalls surrounding it, I attempt to take in every detail. It’s a delight to see but it reminds that this is real. I am real. The fresh air on my face. The laughter that surrounds me, not just from children but adults too. The pings from people hitting cans in games, the excited “yes!” that follows a win. The “damn!” when someone doesn’t score but quickly digs into their pocket to pay for another round. I smell popcorn, candy floss and even coffee. I can’t help but notice a couple of people go about their day. The children swinging on their parents’ arms, making memories that will last them a lifetime. The teenagers falling in love, a feeling I believe I am experiencing for the first time too. The older generation who look so young as they admire their surroundings and the memories that likely come with it.

“Ready?” Phoenix brings me back to the moment. We’re standing outside one of the tents and I nod, happy to go in one of these again. Happy to watch another performance and have Phoenix by my side.

We sit at the back and Toni waves at us, her smile reminding me of a mother seeing her son happy with the girl he has a crush on .

A crush on me? Phoenix being interested in little old boring me still doesn’t feel real, but it does feel right as I sit here beside him. As if it was always meant to be this way.

“Welcome all, thank you for coming today!” Toni cries out to the crowd. “I hope you’re ready for this!”

She opens her arms wide, bows, and then runs off into the corner. I notice her wave to someone, and then the lights dim and the music begins.

A group of women wearing black and white striped dresses run out to centre stage in sync. They all look the same. Their black eyeshadow, black lips and overall creepy attire. The music which plays is eerie and overhead on a microphone, a croaky voice says, “The circus of horror is here!”

A girl in the same costume, but with a red jacket runs through the middle of the others and leads the show. They begin dancing and it really is a performance like no other. They spin, they jump and at one point, they even do a backflip. I watch as they twist their bodies in ways that I can’t ever imagine doing. Each move, each whirl and twirl are in time with the music that is playing. When it’s upbeat, they move around like flies. Fast and dramatic. Almost like they don’t know what they’re doing but at the same time, they know every movement and have practised it to perfection for years. Their arms reach into the air with a possessed energy when the music hits a fast tempo. I can’t take my eyes off them. The lights dim and the music slows. It takes my breath away when they start moving in slow motion like creepy broken dolls. If I was any closer, I’d probably be able to hear the cracks in their bones as they twist their necks and arms. I hear excited gasps and the occasional bright light of someone taking a picture.

I glance at Phoenix. His eyes are already on mine. Has he been watching me this whole time?

“They’re really good,” I whisper.

“They should be, they’ve been doing this for a very long time,” he grins and I wonder; how long? How long have they been doing this? Some of the girls look younger than me.

Maudie has been eight for a very long time.

Ignore the thoughts for now , I tell myself.

“Toni looks so proud,” I tell him. Her arms crossed, her head held high, watching the girls with pride.

“She trains them, and some of them are her daughters. Watch this bit,” he says and my eyes shoot to the centre stage. Toni runs into the group of women and they all lift her into the air. Toni is a big lady and my mouth drops. None of the girls look as if they’re struggling. They stand there with the same poker-faced expressions. When they drop her gently back down to the ground, the crowd erupts into clapping and shouting. Some whistle their compliments; some shout out to them in approval.

Toni comes forward and behind her, each girl bows and runs off like delicate birds to the back of the tent. I notice a hand pull a curtain back and they all leave behind it. I take a deep breath as I join in with the clapping. Toni mouths thank you to the crowd as she scans every person. Her eyes meet mine and she winks.

** *

“Roll up, roll up! Everyone is a winner!”

Red and white suit man’s croaky voice shouts out to us as we walk towards his stall. I wonder if he is the voice that introduced the circus of horrors in the performance tent. He looks at me and a grin that is impossibly wide takes his face. His teeth are stained yellow. I wonder if it’s real or just make up so he appears a bit creepier.

He grabs my hand and kisses it as we walk by.

“My beautiful Renée, it’s been too long.”

I gulp. His touch didn’t shock me like it usually would, but it startles me into silence. Phoenix grips my other hand tighter and rubs his thumb softly over it. It eases me up a little.

“Hello,” I smile.

“You do not remember me?”

Disappointment takes over his face, and I feel guilty for my lack of memories, my lack of understanding as to what is going on here.

“I have a lot to learn,” I respond, hoping to bring his smile back.

“This is Henry,” Phoenix tells me. “And I’m going to kick his ass at this game.”

“You know the deal when I win, I get to dance with your lady.” Henry smiles at me and my vision blurs.

“You think you can beat me at my own game? Foolish!” Henry jokes. Phoenix stands back, a grumpy pout on his face as he crosses his arms and stands to the side. Henry grabs my hand and pulls me into the middle of the field. The tents and stalls circle us, but my eyes only linger towards Phoenix. I see a smile take over his face, brightening up his already handsome features as he watches me dance.

Henry spins me, but as he lets go of my hand, I keep going. My dress whirls around me as I spin. I hear Maudie giggle. She runs towards me and copies what I am doing. My head grows dizzy and I stumble, but Phoenix catches me.

“Roll up, roll up, everyone is a winner!” Henry shouts as he walks back to his stall, trying to coax more visitors to play.

Phoenix leans in and kisses me and the rest of the world disappears.

“Are you okay?” Phoenix asks me. I look at him, then at Henry, who smiles as if he knows the memory that has just flashed through my mind.

“Yes, I was just thinking.” My eyes fix back on Henry. “How can everyone be a winner? How does that make it a competition?”

“Well, everyone gets one of these.” Henry holds up a keyring with a clown figure dangling from it. I bite my lip to stop myself from laughing out loud. He looks so proud. “But hardly anyone wins one of them.” He points towards the large animal teddies at the back.

“You see that one,” he points at the elephant. “She was based on our real elephant. We’re not allowed animals anymore. It was a very sad day saying goodbye to our Elle the elephant. ”

Grandad slurps his coffee. “They had elephants and everything. A real special one. One of the men let me see her, he did… oh, what was the name? Was it Elle?”

“Elle the elephant? You do speak some bullshit, my Beau,” Nan giggles and Grandad shakes his head with a laugh.

“And that’s what I’m going to win! One of those giant teddies!” Phoenix sounds so determined. Henry walks closer to him, eying him up like it’s a battle to the death. His expression is sinister, as if he’s trying to see if Phoenix can really out beat him. It reminds me of those wrestling matches where they do a brief stand off to get the crowd riled up. But Henry breaks out into a smile.

“I’ve missed you, you know,” he says and he pats him firmly on the shoulder, then moves out the way. Phoenix takes the toy gun and aims quickly and swiftly at all six cans. They fall instantly, no wobbling suspense, just gone like the wind.

“Wow, you haven’t played for so long and yet you come here and destroy me,” Henry chuckles.

“Well, I have a woman to impress all over again,” I hear him say quietly in return. I drop my head as I know a blush is taking my cheeks. I want to tell him he doesn’t have to try impressing me. He impressed me the minute I set my eyes on him.

“Which one do you want, my lady?” Henry waves over to wall of prizes.

“The lion,” I pick out .

“As always,” he laughs as he grabs it down and chucks it gently at me. I look at the cute lion stuffed teddy and run my hand through its orange mane. Have I chosen something like this before?

“Thank you,” I embarrass myself by bowing, but both men seem to enjoy my short performance. Henry leans over the stall and kisses Phoenix on the side of his head.

“Told you it would all come back together, my good friend, I told you.”

As Henry and Phoenix chat, I spin slowly in a circle, taking in the circus once again. I see Maudie running towards me.

I drop to my knees as if I’ve known her for years and invite her in for a cuddle. Her eyes widen happily and she holds me so tight that I think she might fix all my broken parts.

“You won a teddy! Henry never lets me have a teddy!” she squeals.

“Well, I’m not a charity,” Henry huffs light-heartedly.

“Phoenix won it for me, but I think he’ll need a good home, are you up to the task?” I offer out the lion, wondering how I’ve suddenly become so good with a child when usually communicating with them terrifies me.

Maudie claps her hands and jumps in glee. She takes the teddy and holds it tight to her chest. I see her notice her father and run to show him.

“You’re not getting another one,” Henry tells me as I stand back up and turn to them. I raise my middle finger to him and he jokily gasps as if I’ve offended him greatly.

Phoenix has that expression again, the one that looks like he might break into tears any minute, but instead he wraps his arm around my waist and leads me onto somewhere else. We walk away to the sound of Henry’s voice.

“Roll up, roll up!”