Page 8 of The Wonder of You

Phoenix and I walk towards one of the tents. My heart is pounding in my chest. I am holding a man’s hand! And not just any man, this man!

A man who is like a picture. A picture I want to stare at until someone tells me to leave.

I try to bat the negative thoughts which pop up every moment or so away; I try to remember that I am twenty-nine. Despite my small height, I am not some silly child. It’s so hard to feel like an adult when you’re so short. Lydia tells me it doesn’t help that I only dress in a t-shirt and jeans, but I don’t understand why that matters? Although, I am painfully aware that a suited man is taking me dancing when I am wearing pink trainers.

Dancing!

What would nan and grandad say? I wish they were here. I can imagine them watching us from one side with pride and happiness. After everything I went through, I bet they never imagined I’d end up here, dancing with a stranger. Then again, is he really a stranger to me?

I am surprised that I don’t feel a pain in my chest at the thought they’re not here to see all this. It’s a bittersweet moment, but for once, this is something that is just for me.

They had their time…is this my time?

I see the bearded lady from earlier at the entrance of the tent. The music is loud, but her voice is somehow louder as she welcomes everyone in with a wide smile. She double takes Phoenix as we walk towards her.

“My, my, my! It’s rare to see you…” she stops, noticing me. She looks at Phoenix and then steps back with her hand on her heart.

“What year is it?” she asks in shock, as if she’s missing some big, life-changing event.

Phoenix laughs, although I detect a hint of nervousness.

“It’s two thousand and twenty-three, Toni,” he clarifies. “Are you okay? Do you need to see the doctor?”

She puffs out a laugh and gently punches his shoulder as if this is some inside joke that I am the outsider on. It makes me shrink in on myself just a little.

Toni takes a deep breath and shakes her arms out to the side. She seems to adjust her shoulders, as if she is preparing for a work out… or perhaps a performance.

“Well,” she finally says with a huge smile. “Who is the lady you have brought with you tonight?”

“I am Renée,” I say, quietly but firmly. I don’t know where I found the confidence.

Toni looks at Phoenix and then back to me.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you…” She pauses, a sadness in her eyes. What am I missing? I blink and the expression has faded into a smile. “I hope you both have a lovely time tonight, and maybe you’ll come back tomorrow? We’re here for quite a while and you , my young lady, seems to have made quite the impression.” She nods her head at Phoenix, but keeps her gaze on me. “Especially getting him outside his cabin… he dresses in th at dashing black suit, but he rarely graces us with it.” Her tone is playful and I feel so… so at home with it.

My face heats at her words so I drop my head and mutter a thank you. I still see the way she eyes Phoenix as we walk into the tent, but I try to ignore it.

The inside of the tent is a dream. I notice just how high the tent goes up, like it’s reaching for the stars themselves. There are sparkling rainbow lights all around the place. Unlike the other tent from earlier, this one doesn’t have chairs layered around for an audience. It appears to be a place solely for dancing. There are quite a few people, customers of the circus I assume, dancing around. Some look like couples, some seem a little bit tipsy and a few children swing their arms around, having a good time. The music changes as we move into the middle of the floor. Suddenly, it’s slower and calmer and I can sense the children and the tipsy people moving on.

“I don’t think I am a good dancer,” I whisper as I look up at Phoenix. His eyes are so dark, but they seem to bring so much light to my soul. I notice a couple of moles on his face. They remind me of the stars and constellations and I have the desire to rub my thumb over them. The same way I have the desire to run my hand through his hair, to twirl one of those black curls around my finger.

“That’s okay.” He smiles as one of his hands finds its way on my waist. I swallow, but I don’t push him away. I want to ask him why he’s dancing with me. What is so special about me? Did Lukas purposely find him to introduce us? Why ?

But as Elvis Presley plays, I push away my thoughts.

My grandparents listened to this.

Now it’s my turn.

Together, we sway.

Phoenix pushes me softly away and then pulls me back to him. Our hands intertwine and they feel like they were designed to be together this way.

He spins me and I laugh.

It’s just us.

This moment is ours.

I feel like I’ve been in it before as I see his smile, as I see the way he looks at me like he already knows me. As if we’re not a couple of people who have just met, but a couple who have been together for a thousand years and are hoping for a thousand more.

Is this love at first sight?

No, Renée , I tell myself, no, this man can’t possibly like me . Maybe he likes my appearance, maybe I remind him of someone, but once he gets to know me… the story will change, I am sure. Can an attractive ringmaster really fall for a depressed, haunted woman?

Can a man with a bright future fall for a woman who doesn’t see one for herself?

But I forget all of that as he brings me towards him. His hand touches my cheek and lingers there.

“I’ve missed you,” he whispers with tears in his eyes.

I don’t get the chance to ask him what he means.

He leans forward.

He kisses me .

And I let him.

My first kiss.

I put my hands on his cheeks. I feel his soft hair with my fingers.

I let him take control as I don’t really know what to do. He grabs both my cheeks and pulls me even closer, as if he’s hungry for me. As if he wants me, needs me. The thought should scare me, the touching should make me want to run. But this… this feels like the home I’ve never really had.

Did I belong with my dad or my grandparents? I never knew which house was mine.

But right now, I feel home with this person I’ve just met as he kisses me almost wildly. As if he’s waited for it, dreamed of it. There is a tingle all over my body as he leans his forehead on mine and takes a deep breath. His eyes are closed and a lone tear falls down his cheek.

“Phoenix, I am scared you think I am someone else,” I whisper, but he shakes his head to indicate no. I decide not to question him, although I know I should. But what do I say? What are my questions? I just feel confused, but I also feel a happy, fuzzy warmth. It’s such an unusual feeling and I want to hold onto it.

I am startled by a loud applause. Both Phoenix and I instantly look up, both of us realizing that this tent was free for all and it was never just us.

But it felt that way.

Everyone is here. Everyone witnessed my first kiss.

Toni the bearded lady.

Lukas.

Maudie who is jumping up and down and clapping .

Were we a performance for them?

As I laugh awkwardly, I feel a tad embarrassed. I grab hold of Phoenix’s hand for some reassurement. I scan the crowd, looking at everyone here.

And then my eyes stop.

Lydia and Simon.

Simon is clapping. He barely knows me after all, so why would he be surprised?

But Lydia…her mouth is open; her eyebrows are so high they look as if they’re attempting to escape. It’s like she’s been punched in the face, but she’s also happy about it.

Maybe she does care after all.

“I think I best speak to my sister,” I tell Phoenix as I put my hand on his arm. A part of me is still surprised and taken aback by my confidence with this man, but it feels so right. Looking up at him now, into his dark eyes, he seems so familiar. I feel normal with him, like we’re meant to be, like I am safe.

Safe.

That’s a big word for me.

He nods his head and our hands part as I walk towards Lydia. I miss the touch of his skin as soon as it leaves me. Lydia still looks shocked, almost mimicking the famous painting, ‘The Scream’.

“Renée, what… what the actual…” she shakes her head, lost for words.

“I don’t know, I really don’t,” I tell her as she pulls me outside the tent and into the fresh air.

“Do you know him?” she asks.

You know what, I think I do .

“No, I met him tonight.” I smile at her as if this is completely normal behaviour for me.

“Renée, stop! Stop acting so casual! You were kissing him. Kissing. Have you ever kissed anyone before? You literally turn your head when people try kissing you, even Nan and Grandad! They always got your hair or your bloody ear!”

But Phoenix is different… Phoenix is… what?

I am beyond confused. I look around at the tents, above at the moon which is making its appearance. I focus on the noises of the children laughing, the sound of red and white striped man shouting roll up, roll up.

But Lydia brings me back into reality.

“He’s a bit weird, don’t you think? Like, he’s kind of attractive, but there is something creepy about him too. His eyes are kind of hollow and he’s so pale…I mean, are you into that?”

I instantly look up, feeling frustrated, almost like I want to protect him. It’s like deja-vu, as if I’ve had a moment of someone judging him before.

“Don’t say that!” I huff. This feeling of deja-vu, of having these moments before, is getting stronger and I am starting to worry it’s going to overwhelm me.

Lydia just smiles. “Do you like him? You know, like him?”

Like is a bit too weak, I love him, like… like I’ve always loved him. We belong together.

I rub my hands over my cheeks and take a deep breath. “Yes, yes, I do.”

“Renée, little Stripey Stipey, that’s… that’s amazing, I am speechless honestly. I haven’t seen you so … so happy, so… who even are you right now? But is this what you want? Really?”

“What do you mean?”

“The circus is only temporary; they go all over the United Kingdom and Ireland. I even read they set up in Germany once.”

I go silent. Lydia is right… who am I? Is who I am right now going to be who I am tomorrow when I wake up from this? When I return to my haunted house alone? I feel sick with confusion, but I feel so warm with love.

It’s like the moment I stepped into this circus; I felt at home. The minute I saw Phoenix, I knew I was home.

I sound insane though, my mind starts to burn with endless loops of thoughts.

I love him. No, that’s silly. Is there something magical here? No. I am being delusional.

Have I been so lonely for so long that my mind has gotten over excited and created some fantasy?

I feel as if I am choking on nothing. There is not enough air for me to think all this, to take it all in.

“Renée? Are you okay?” Lydia asks me softly, but with a sudden rough landing on the ground, all I see is darkness.