Page 7 of The Wonder of You

We arrive at the stall with the painted rocks that Maudie wanted to show me. At the front of the stall, there are lions and elephants painted onto stone, emblems representing animals I associate with the circus. I smile as a part of my inner child fights to come out. These stones are beautiful.

Maudie voices my excitement. “I love them all so much, I love the cute cat ones most, but look at the ladybugs, do you remember them?”

I feel a rush of affection come over me and I almost want to hug her. It’s a weird feeling for me. I am far from affectionate, and I don’t tend to hug people I don’t know. But something about Maudie resonates with me. I know what it’s like to be a child wanting a mum, who just wants approval from those around her. At least Maudie has her father, though. From what I’ve seen, he is a great dad and this whole circus seems to be one big family. She’s the luckiest kid in the world.

Lukas looks at me, looks at Maudie and then back. “Can I leave her with you for two minutes?”

At first, I want to say no. I have no experience with children, but I nod anyway. A part of me knows it will be okay. Where is this positivity coming from?

Lukas walks off and knocks on the door of a big cabin nearby. It looks like any old cabin and reminds me of the ones I saw on campsites as a child, but this one has red and white lines painted down it. It seems to be some kind of management or facilities space, but they’ve kept it in appearance with the rest of the circus.

“Which one is your favourite?” Maudie asks, stealing my attention again.

I look back at the designs.

“Oh, well, there are so many and I love them all.” I smile.

It’s true as well. The decorations and paintings are brilliant and I sort of want to buy one. A love heart, a cat, the elephant. But my heart sinks at the thought of actually taking one. These items are too nice for me, too precious to be taken home to silence. I can’t give them the love they deserve.

I rub my hand over a stone that draws me in. It has an R painted on it, almost like it’s there for me. Goosebumps run up my arms as I touch it, making me feel this place is magical once again. The memories of certain times in my life will never go away. They are marked on my skin forevermore, but this place… this place makes me feel like all of those memories are just a small part of me, nothing more.

They do not define me.

Again, I know these thoughts will leave me as soon as I return home. Why do I feel like a different person here? It’s like I’m split down the middle into two people - the boring, half-dead me and the me that I could be. The version of myself I long to be.

Am I really finding a new connection with life by touching a rock?

“Renée?” Lukas breaks me away from my thoughts. I quickly glance at Maudie, finding relief within me that she’s still there. The last thing I need is to lose a child I was supposed to be looking after because I was distracted by a rock.

Sorry Lukas, I wasn’t looking because the rock made me feel alive.

I turn and see Lukas standing there with that same expression on his face, the one I can’t pinpoint. I don’t want to be as bold as to assume this man has some sort of crush on me, but it comes across like he can’t look away.

And then I notice the man standing beside him.

My heart drops.

He’s tall and wearing a suit, but it’s a plain black one, unlike the other workers who are all dressed in colour.

But there is nothing plain about this man. His skin seems to be paler than perhaps normal, a big contrast to his black wavy hair. It’s sort of messy with a couple of curls hanging over, almost like Lukas has just woken him up from a nap.

I can’t stop staring. Oh no, now I’m the one being weird. But I can’t help myself. His eyes are so dark, they pull me in and I want to run towards him.

Do I have a crush? No, this doesn’t feel like a crush.

Have I met him before? He looks so… so familiar, but in a way I do not understand.

My head spins and my breath catches with one single word from his mouth.

“Renée?”

I go to speak, but I find I have no words .

He walks towards me and I move my head back to look up at him. A weird sensation takes me. Excitement. Christmas morning before Carl destroyed the innocence. A late night despite how school is the next morning. The sun shining through the window. The anticipation of a holiday. Home. The relief of coming home.

My heart beats widely despite the calm that my body seems to be accepting. I feel like such a child but I think I am in love.

“It’s you,” he says so simply, so softly. His eyes never leave mine. There’s wonder in his eyes.

Surely, I cannot look as much like a dream to him as he does to me?

I am just simple, boring Renée.

I shake my head, trying to make sense of this. He’s the second person here to know my name without me saying it. This must be a mistake. I don’t understand what is happening here.

Lukas leans forward and grabs the man’s elbow, seemingly to steady him. The man takes a few moments to turn around, his eyes so intent on mine, like he sees right through to my soul.

When he turns to face Lukas, it appears they’re having a conversation with just their eyes. No words are spoken, but there is enough head tilting and expressions that I cannot decipher to suggest that neither of them need to say a thing.

The man steps back, takes a deep breath and stretches his hand towards me.

“I’m Phoenix,” he introduces and I want to say yes, I know. But I don’t know him. Do I ?

The feeling is so overwhelming. I shake my shoulders and make a little giggle sound that is rather embarrassing, but Phoenix seems unfazed. I notice the way his lips go up, as if he’s about to smile or maybe laugh too.

Finally, I lean forward and shake his hand.

“I’m Renée…well, I guess you already know that. Lukas told you I suppose.” My voice is high-pitched, and I feel silly for not working out straight away that Lukas must have told him my name on the way over.

As our hands touch, I feel like I am being woken up.

I’ve been waiting for this moment for so long.

What? What is going on inside me?

I look at our hands joined together and oh no, I am in love. I have the strangest feeling that I know this man. That I’ve known him for all of time.

Am I going to cry?

“Do I know you?” I ask weakly, my voice shaking.

His face twists with confusion, as if I’ve hurt his feelings somehow. He opens his mouth to speak, but he seems lost for words. Lukas steps forward and I jump. I forgot him and Maudie were here. For a moment, it felt like just me and Phoenix in the world.

It’s like my ears pop and I hear the music of the circus again, the man shouting to roll up, roll up, laughter and joy filling the air. I blink several times, disorientated.

“Phoenix is our ringmaster. I thought I’d introduce you to him.” Lukas glances at Phoenix, whose eyes are still on mine .

“Oh, okay, cool!” I run my now free hand through my hair and look back at Phoenix. I would like to run my hand through his hair. It looks so fluffy and full and… oh, bloody hell, I need to stop it! Who am I right now?

“I really like your name, is that your birth name?” I stutter.

“Yes.”

“The phoenix bird symbolizes immortality, resurrection and life after death,” Maudie tells us with a wide grin on her face. She is clearly proud of herself. It makes me smile. She looks so sweet and small, but her statement makes her seem so much older, even if she did stumble over the word symbolizes.

“I like that.” I smile and nod my head. “Where did you learn it?”

“From you,” she says so simply.

A weird noise comes from my mouth which sounds like a mix between a laugh and a cough.

I pull on my earlobe for no reason other than feeling awkward. I don’t know how to be right now. I notice how they look at me like it’s my presence here that actually symbolizes something.

I clear my throat to fill the silence.

“I notice a lot of stalls have people running them, but this one is quiet.”

Shall I ask them to hire me so I can sell painted rocks? Would that be insane?

“No one has run this one for quite a while.” Phoenix finally breaks away his gaze and turns his attention to the rocks. He softly runs his fingers over them. His caress is so gentle. I want this man to touch me .

But why ? Why do I feel this way over a man I have just met? I have never wanted anyone to touch me before. In school, I had a small crush on a boy in my class and when he tried to kiss me, I suddenly panicked and ran away. Later on, he claimed it was a prank and I never knew whether to believe him or not. But this is different.

“I always put them out though, they’re too beautiful not to show the world.” He looks at me again and my heart drops. Am I imagining it or did he look at me when he said the word beautiful?

“They are lovely, I like the one with the R,” I compliment. He picks it up and hands it to me. “My gift to you.”

I take it and admire the black painted R. I rub my finger over the pink flowers that are sprouting out of the bold letter. The detail is wonderful.

“I don’t have any cash on me and I’d feel awful taking this when someone else might be able to buy it,” I say softly. I want him to know I am grateful, but I don’t feel right taking something for free. Especially not something so beautiful, so perfect. It wouldn’t belong with me. I feel like I might cry again.

“You don’t repay someone for a gift,” he says with a smile, and I realize the rock is not the only beautiful thing here. There are butterflies in my stomach, but not the usual ones which feel like they’re dying and making their own little hopeless graveyard inside of me. No, these ones feel magical. These ones feel like what they should feel like. How they’re described in the books and the movies .

“Well, okay, thank you,” I bite my lip with my teeth, and I feel like I should say something else. When was the last time I held a conversation with someone other than my father or sister?

I always think I must rush with them, as if I am taking their precious time up. I feel like some part of them is always itching to escape me. But this is different. Phoenix, in these short moments, has made me feel like he has all the time in the world to talk to me.

“Are you sure I can’t do something?” I say, and I instantly regret it. Is he going to walk away from me when he realizes that I’m really quite pathetic? That I am a human who doesn’t know how to be human. That the only thing I am symbolizing right now is how lonely I am.

I am distracted by the sound of a giggle. I look to my left to see Lukas and Maudie holding hands running away from us. They look so cute and funny in their outfits. I can’t help but laugh too, but why are they running away from us? Still, they’re not running away like the kids used to in school, leaving me feeling hopeless and small. I think they wanted to leave us alone.

Together.

The butterflies are back and I am afraid. Excited, but oh so afraid. I almost want to throw up just to get some of this confusion and overwhelming feeling out of me. My desire to run takes hold. If I can’t understand the situation, then I should run from it .

But then I look back to Phoenix. His eyes are so soft, so reassuring… so familiar. Every bit of tension leaves me and I feel like I’m on a cloud.

He holds out his hand. “Perhaps a dance… with me?”

No. I cannot.

Yes. I really want to.

No. Don’t be so silly.

But when my hand reaches for his, I know I could never say no.