Page 10 of The Wonder of You

“She’s not feeling well so she’s already up in bed, you can just sit and watch telly until we’re back,” Nan tells Uncle Carl. My stomach hurts, but I can’t sleep. I am disappointed because I was hoping to play games with Carl. I love spending time with my uncle, he’s so funny and he always makes me wonder if that’s what my mum was like, or would have been like if she was still here. He’s been different lately. I overheard Nan say to Grandad she thinks he’s been drinking. I’m not sure what they mean by that. I try to rest, but Carl walks into my room soon after I hear Grandad’s car leave the driveway.

I assume he’s coming to check on me, ask me if I’m feeling better, offer me some water. Instead, he ruins everything.

I startle awake at the sound of knocking on the front door. I jerk upright as it gets louder and more forceful. My hand instantly goes to my cheek. It aches from where it’s been pressed to the ground. Did I really fall asleep on the floor? I look up at the kitchen window and see the bright sky. Bloody hell, it’s already the morning!

Eventually, Dad gives up knocking and walks straight in. My heart drops. Not only did I fall asleep on the kitchen floor, I left the door unlocked.

“What are you doing, Renée?” Dad looks surprised. “You slept on the floor? ”

At first, he looks as if he wants to laugh, then his expression changes to concern. I rub my cheek again; I can only assume it’s bright red. I must look a state.

“Lydia said you ran home after a panic attack last night. I thought I’d better check in.”

Phoenix.

Did all of that really happen?

“She said you met someone,” Dad adds, as if reading my thoughts.

So, it did happen. The butterflies flutter in my stomach when I picture Phoenix’s face, but my thoughts are so mixed and conflicted. I feel different. The vision I had last night flickers in my mind as if forgotten memories are desperately trying to swim to the surface and make me remember them again, feel them again. And I feel like so much could be explained if I would just let it happen. I’m a puzzle only half finished and the other bits are too hard to find.

I am sidetracked by something Dad said. Did Lydia tell him last night that I ran home alone in the dark and he’s only just decided to come check on me? Or did Lydia continue her night as normal and not tell him until the morning? Did everyone happily sleep for the night despite how I passed out and then ran home? What if I had run to a bridge and jumped off it? I’ve thought about it plenty of times. What if I was grabbed? Kidnapped? It happens all the time. Bath has always felt fairly safe, but it did happen only a few years ago in this small city. A young woman was last seen leaving her cousin’s house and then she was never seen again. It was like she disappeared into thin air, the ground opening up and taking her in. I remember her brother on the news, the expression on his face that spoke a million words. He wanted to know what happened to his sister. Did anyone want to know if I was okay?

“Perhaps go upstairs and have a shower, I’ll make us some coffee,” Dad suggests as he walks towards the kettle. He doesn’t ask any more questions about what happened, who I met, why it left me in such a state. I welcome the silence though; it’s a pleasant interruption to my spinning thoughts that I could disappear and no one would care.

Upstairs, I look at myself in the mirror. I am clearly tired, but I don’t think sleep will cure this feeling. The exhaustion is everywhere. In my bones, in my mind, even in my dreams. I can’t escape. One good thing though, I am now wearing a clean top and jeans which feel good on my skin. My hair is freshly washed and now dry. Whatever the day brings, at least I feel a bit more ready for it. I take a deep breath and head downstairs.

“There’s a black coffee for you.” I hear Dad say, a hint of formality in his voice. Who is he talking to? Are Lydia and Simon here?

“Thank you.” I hear in return. Simon’s voice isn’t that deep.

Oh no, am I really ready for today?

I consider running back upstairs but I can’t. It’s almost like I am being pushed forward by an invisible force. Someone else is in my head who is taking charge and wants to steer me in the right direction. I finally walk into the kitchen and see my dad and Phoenix sat at the table.