Page 13 of The Wonder of You

A knock on the door startles me. I’m not used to visitors, but for once, I’m excited to have one. For the first time, I don’t feel that desire to hide out of sight from the window so they can’t see me.

I take a deep breath.

I bite my lip to stop a smile crossing my face as I open the door and see Phoenix. He looks… he looks like a dream. He’s wearing his black suit and his hair looks like it’s been styled, but it’s still sporting that just woke up appearance. The door frame stands between us and it feels like it represents something. Is the house behind me my past? Is Phoenix my future? But is Phoenix also my past, my present and my future?

I need to stop. I’ll go dizzy with these thoughts.

“You look beautiful,” he tells me and hands me a small pink flower.

I take it and run my fingers over the petals. They’re so soft. I fumble for something to say.

“I always like darker colours, but flowers… I don’t know, I like them pink.”

“I know,” Phoenix says gently and I look up at him. His eyes are filled with relief, but also sadness. Relief that I am here, but sadness that I was once taken from him? Apparently so, anyway. I’m still unsure what I think about this past life stuff. I just hope I am not accepting insanity. Some kind of ideal dream to save me from the pain and despair of life .

What if all this is a fantasy? What if it all comes crashing down around me?

What if I end up locked away when everything disappears and reality strikes me like a flash of cruel and unexpected lightning?

No.

This feels real.

For once, something does feel real.

The air around me is real.

The touch of Phoenix feels real.

I need to accept that this is happening.

I’m brought back into the moment when Phoenix speaks to me.

“Shall we go?” He offers his hand and I giggle slightly. I wish Nan and Grandad were here to watch me walk away with this handsome man. They would be so happy for me. But at least I get to enjoy it. I allow him to lead the way.

We walk through the alleyway that separates the cul-de-sac and the road, and finally leads towards the park. Phoenix grips my hand tighter and my heart feels so warm. But as much as I just want to enjoy this, I have so many questions I need to ask.

“You told my Dad that you’ve had help with being the ringmaster, why is that?”

I look up at him as his silence lasts a while. His mouth twists like he knows what to say, but doesn’t know how to say it.

“I haven’t been the same since I lost you,” he looks down at me and smiles, but I hear how his voice cracks. His smile is the same as when I tell my dad I’m fine so he leaves the house and I can find a corner to cry in. I squeeze his hand tighter to reassure him it is okay. “I want you to know everything, understand everything. But first, I also want to show you around the circus a bit more.”

“Okay.” I can’t complain, the circus is fascinating.

“You’re… you’re welcome to um, stay with me tonight, if you want… if you’re comfortable with it, but if not, I’ll walk you home, okay?” He seems so nervous and it makes me want to melt into him. I’ve never had someone think so much about me. I guess I’ve simply never had a someone . Lydia’s words run through my brain and taunt me.

The circus is only temporary.

Did this so-called past me live with Phoenix at the circus? Did we travel around? What will my future plans be? I don’t think I will ever be the same if I have to watch Phoenix leave.

In such a short time, I feel my world changing. I am still somewhat depressive Renée, but there is a hope running through me that I’ve never felt before that I am desperate to hold onto. Perhaps I deserve this? Perhaps all this pain within me, around me, is just passing through? Am I on the other side of it? Am I going to get to live like everyone else? Maybe I can live in a world where people don’t pity me, where I don’t pity myself? Or am I only getting a taste? I’m not sure I want to entertain the thoughts running through my head right now.

“I’ll…I’ll think about it,” I say honestly. Phoenix nods and then smiles .

“Just don’t go running home in the dark, okay?”

“But if you walk me home, you’ll have to walk back yourself.”

“Something tells me I’ll be okay.”

“Because you’re a man?” I tease. “You don’t think I can protect myself?”

Phoenix stops once we’re safely on the other side of the road and faces me.

“I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you.” Tears take his eyes, but he seems to pull himself together with a shake of his shoulders. “But no, I’m just… things are different, I am different.”

“Yeah, I can’t argue that.”

He is different. I think he means something else, something magical perhaps? But for me, he’s different in the way he’s shifting the atmosphere. My atmosphere.

“You’re right, though,” I begin as we start walking towards the park. “I wouldn’t be able to defend myself… I always think of the girl who went missing a few years back. She’s not the first, but there were never any answers. She just vanished.”

“Do you think she left on her own accord or was she taken?”

I shrug. “I suppose I never thought about it. Her Dad claimed she had mental health issues so it seemed like something bad may have happened. It was quite chaotic that night, though. A whole church went up in flames, and there was a murder too. It was pretty scary.”

“Interesting,” Phoenix says thoughtfully.

“I had a vision that I held Maudie as a baby.” It comes out of my mouth too fast. It’s a bit random and an abrupt change in our conversation. I wonder whether he even understood what I said. But he doesn’t seem concerned by my outburst.

“That’s because you did,” he says so casually that it makes the hair on my arms raise up.

“It cannot be possible though; I am twenty-nine and Maudie is like… what… eight maybe?” I shake my head as if I can shake away the confusion.

“Maudie has been eight for a very long time,” he tells me as if it’s not a shocking piece of information. Then he smiles. I can only imagine the confusion written all over me.

“But…”

“But right now, we’re going to explore. I always said I wished I could show you the circus again as if it was the first time… so I guess there have been some positives in this.”

I nod, taking his hand again as if it’s mine to just grab whenever I want. We walk towards the glowing lights of the circus.