Page 94 of Save You

“I’ll never forgive you.Now I’m on my own with the two of them and I can’t do anything right and it’s allyourfucking fault!”He roars those last words.I lean out from my hiding place just in time to see him hurl a full decanter of whisky at the family portrait over the dining table.I gasp as the decanter shatters, the sound ringing in my ears.The brown liquid runs down from Mum over Lydia and me.It looks as if the paint is running.Mum’s face smears like a melting waxwork, gradually transforming into a monster.A grotesque mask, looking down on my father from above, mocking him.

At this moment, the anger at him that’s always slumbering inside me awakes into new life, and the heat that flows through my veins is one that only he can trigger.I clench my fists, and I’m about to walk into the room to confront him when he suddenly makes a new sound.

From behind, I see his shoulders shaking.He gasps for breath, again and again, then suddenly his knees give way and he sinks to the floor.Among all the broken glass.He claps his hands to his face, and then I hear it again.

My father is sobbing.

I can’t move; I’m rooted to the spot as I watch him weep.I think about all the times he made me cry.I think about his fists, his shouts, his insults, and the cold way he always looks at me.I think about the day of the funeral when he instructed us on how to act.The way he didn’t tell us about Mum’s death.

And I realize that I’m not feeling the satisfaction I want to feel.Anything but.My dad is suffering.What kind of a person would it make me if I turned around now and went back up to my room?

It’s not easy to take the first step, but I do it.I walk into the dining room, being careful not to step in the wreckage of his fury, and stand behind him.Purely on instinct, I lay a hand on Dad’sshoulder and press it for a moment.The sobbing stops at once and he holds his breath.

Just as I’m about to take my hand away, he reaches for it.He clings to it, almost desperately, and I let him.A weird feeling floods over me.Something I haven’t felt for my father for ages.

I look up at the portrait of us.Dad has both hands on Lydia’s shoulders, and I’m standing in front of Mum, who has her arms wrapped around me.The colors might have blurred, but I remember what it was like that day.I remember what it felt like to be part of a family.

The feeling burgeoning in me now is only a shadow of that, but I hold fast to it.

26

Lydia

For the first time in my life, I have to order a dress online.Instead of strolling down Bond Street and wandering into each of the shops at least once, I’m sitting on Ruby’s bed, clicking from one website to another.It’s fun, especially because I don’t have to do this on my own, but I’m still looking forward to when I’ll be able to go back to my favorite shops in person, to touch the dresses for real and see them up close.

That’s not going to be an option for the next few months though.Most of the shop owners know me, and it’s way too likely that they’d take one glance at my stomach and put two and two together.After that, it would be only a matter of time before Dad found out.

And that thought sends an ice-cold shiver through my body.

No, online shopping will have to do for the time being.

“What d’you think of that one?”Ruby asks, turning her laptop toward me.

I screw up my nose.“It looks like someone slipped with the scissors,” I say, running my index finger over the image—thehemline is a good bit higher at the front than the back.“My mum would have been so angry at a cut like that.The color isn’t great either.And nor is the lazy bit of lace at the neckline.”

“OK, OK.”Ruby laughs, closing the window.“Well, let’s try here.We’re only on page twelve of twenty-seven.”

She starts scrolling down, and together we watch an array of dresses in all kinds of cuts and colors pop up on the screen.

“Maybe I should just skip the Spring Ball,” I suggest after a while.

Ruby instantly shakes her head.“It’s your last Spring Ball, Lydia.Youhaveto come.”

“I’m starting to think it’s going to be impossible to find a dress that will hide this belly.What if someone catches on?”I ask, pointing at the little bump beneath my oversize sweatshirt.

“We’ll find a dress.Don’t you worry.”Ruby sounds a lot more confident than I feel.

Dr.Hearst has told me that I’m a lot smaller than most women expecting twins, but I feel enormous.Over the last few weeks, I’ve got used to carrying my school bag in front of me, and my blouses are two sizes bigger now.James snuck them home from the sewing room last time he was up at Beaufort’s for a meeting.This is the first time that I’ve been glad our school uniform was designed by Mum and is made in our workshops.

I wish it was that easy to get hold of a ball dress.I’m already wishing I hadn’t let James and Ruby talk me into going.And the dress isn’t even my biggest problem.My main concern is avoiding Graham outside class at all costs.

But I can’t tell Ruby that—and I certainly can’t tell James.I couldn’t bear it if he gave me even one more sympathetic glance.Not after last Wednesday, when I got a trapped nerve in my backand was lying helpless in bed like a beetle.The pain was so bad that I couldn’t move and had to wait for James to hear me calling for help.And then he had to help medress.

It was humiliating, and I wish I could just wipe the whole morning from my head.Forever.So now, if I tell him that I can’t face meeting Graham at a party, he’s bound to think I’m losing it.And I’d hate that.

“What about this one?”asks Ruby.

I don’t like that dress either.It’s too young for me, not glamorous enough—it reminds me of a uniform.“What I really want is a dress where I won’t totally stand out.”