Page 8 of Save You

When he kissed Elaine, I wished him nothing but ill.I wished for someone to hurt him as badly as he’d hurt me.I wished for revenge for my aching heart.But seeing him this broken doesn’t bring me the satisfaction I’d been hoping for.Quite the opposite.It feels more as though his pain jumps over to me and pulls me down into the depths.I’m flooded with despairbecause I don’t know what I can do for him.All the words that occur to me at this moment feel meaningless.

Tenderly, I raise my hand and stroke James’s red-blond hair out of his face.I run my fingertips gently over his cheeks, then lay both palms on his cold face.It feels as though I’m holding something desperately fragile in my hands.

I pluck up all my courage, lean down to him, and press my lips onto his forehead.

James catches his breath.

For a moment, we’re frozen in that position, neither of us daring to move.

Then I sit back up and pull my hand away.

The next second, James grabs my hips.He digs his fingers into them and kind of plunges forward.I’m so startled by the sudden movement that I freeze.James wraps his arms around me and buries his face in the crook of my neck.His whole body is shaken by a deep sobbing.

I put my arms around him and hold him tight.There’s nothing that I can say in this moment.I don’t know how he feels in his loss, and I don’t want to act as though I do.

All I can do right now is to be there for him.I can stroke his back and share his tears.I can empathize with him and let him know that he doesn’t have to go through this alone, no matter what happened between us.

And as James cries in my arms, I realize that I’d gotten the situation totally wrong.

I’d thought that after what he’d done to me, I’d be able to put him right out of my life.I hoped to get over him as fast as possible.But now that I grasp what his pain is doing to me, I know that that’s not going to happen any time soon.

3

James

The walls are spinning.I don’t know which way’s up and which way’s down; all I can tell is that Ruby’s hands are there, keeping me semi-anchored in reality.She’s sitting on my bed, leaning her back on the headboard, and I’m half lying in her lap.One of her arms is wrapped tightly around me and she’s stroking my hair with her hand.I’m focused entirely on the warmth of her body, her even breath, and her touch.

I have no idea how many days have passed.There’s nothing but fog when I try to remember anything.Thick gray fog, and two thoughts that get through to me in every brief moment of clarity.

Firstly: My mum is dead.

Secondly: I kissed another girl in front of Ruby.

It doesn’t matter how much alcohol I down, or what else I take—I’ll never forget Ruby’s face at that moment.She looked so shocked and hurt.Like I’d destroyed her whole world.

I bury my face in Ruby’s side again.Partly because I’m afraid she’ll stand up and leave at any moment.And partly because I’mafraid the tears will be back any second now.But neither of those things happens.Ruby stays and, apparently, there’s no more liquid left inside me to get rid of.

I feel as though there’s nothing at all left inside me.Maybe my soul died along with my mother.How else could I have done that to Ruby?

HowdidI do that to Ruby?

What’s wrong with me?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

“James, you have to breathe,” Ruby whispers suddenly.

As she says that, I realize that I have actually stopped breathing.I’m not sure how long ago.

I inhale deeply and slowly let out the air again.There, that wasn’t so hard.

“What’s happening to me?”Whispering those words is so exhausting that afterward, it feels as though I’d shouted them.

Ruby’s hand pauses.“You’re grieving,” she replies, equally quietly.

“But why?”

Just before, I forgot to breathe—now my breath is coming way too fast.I sit up with a jerk.My rib cage hurts, and so do my limbs, which feel like I’ve been training too hard, even though I’ve spent the last few days doing nothing but suppressing the way my life is right now.