Page 12 of Save You

It costs me my last ounce of strength to pull myself together.I try not to think about Mum.That I can never again ask her advice.That she’ll never again bring a cup of tea to my room when I’ve spent too long at my desk studying.That she’ll never hug me again.That she’ll never get to know her grandchild.That I’m entirely alone, and scared of losing James and Dad too, because our family is falling a little bit further apart with every passing day.

A quiet sob breaks free of my throat.I press my trembling lips firmly together so as not to make another sound.

“Lydia,” James repeats, more urgently this time.He movescloser to me, so that our arms touch through the thick fabric of our coats.Slowly, I raise my eyes.James has taken off the shades and is looking at me, his eyes dark.I can see something in them that I’ve been desperately searching for in the last few weeks.Something that reminds me that he’s my brother and will always stay with me.

James raises his hand hesitantly to my face.It’s icy cold but still feels good as his thumb brushes my cheek.

“Fuck Dad,” he whispers to me.“If you want to cry, you go ahead and cry.OK?”

The intimacy in his eyes and the honesty of his words finally break down the wall inside me.I let the feelings swirl into a whirlwind because James is there to hold me tight.He puts an arm around my shoulder and holds me close to his side.I bury my face in his chest.He feels like home, and my heavy heart lightens a tiny bit.While my tears drip incessantly onto his coat, we watch on together as the coffin is lowered little by little, until it reaches the bottom.

5

Ruby

On Wednesday, I go back to school.I missed more than a week and now I’m reaping the consequences.Lin brought me her notes over the weekend, but I still struggle to follow the lessons.I’m asked a couple of questions in history but can’t answer them sensibly.I stare in embarrassment at my planner, but Mr.Sutton barely seems to notice.He looks like he’s miles away, not really with it at all.I wonder if he’s thinking about Lydia as much as I am about James.

By the end of the morning, I’m knackered.I’d like to head to the library to do more reading for my next lessons, but my stomach is rumbling too loudly for me to skip lunch.

On the way to the dining hall, Lin hooks her arm into mine.“Are you OK?”she asks, giving me a sideways glance.

“I’m never missing another day ever again,” I grumble as we walk toward the dining hall together.“It’s the worst feeling in the world not to know what the teachers want from you.”

Lin strokes my arm.“You did fine.You’ll be caught up again by next week, I’m sure of it.”

“Hmm,” I say as we turn the corner.“But it was still…”

I stop dead.

We’re in Maxton Hall’s main hall.To my right are the stairs down to the cellar.

The stairs where James first kissed me.

The memory of his hand on the back of my neck and his lips pressed onto mine floods over me without warning.It plays out like a film before my inner eye: his mouth gliding over mine, his hands holding me tight, his self-assured movement making me weak at the knees, when suddenly my face starts to change—it melts and blurs into someone else’s entirely.It’s not me in James’s arms now, it’s Elaine he’s kissing so passionately.

I feel it like a punch in the belly, and it’s a major effort not to crumple.

Then someone barges into me from the side—and I’m back at Maxton Hall.I no longer see the kiss, just the empty cellar steps and people moving toward the dining hall.The cramping pain in my stomach has ebbed away too.

I take a deep breath.School today has been nothing but one long roller-coaster ride.Every time I rise up and reach the top, I think everything’s back to normal and I’m going to get through this—then, suddenly, I see something that reminds me of James and I’m plunged back into the depths, into a vortex of pain.

“Ruby?”Lin says beside me.Judging by her worried face, this isn’t the first time she’s spoken to me in the last few minutes.“Are you OK?”

I force a smile onto my face and nod.

Lin frowns but doesn’t ask questions.Instead, she does what she’s been doing all morning—she distracts me.On the way to the dining hall, she tells me about the new Tsugumi Ohba andTakeshi Obata manga series, which she’s been devouring.She’s so fired up about it that I immediately pull out my bullet journal and make a note of the titles on my reading list.

Once we’ve finished our lunch, we take back our trays.There’s a girl leaning on the wall next to the tray station.I don’t know her.She’s talking to a boy, but at the sight of me, she goes quiet.Her eyes widen and she nudges him in the ribs—not exactly subtly either.I try to ignore the pair of them.

“Aren’t you the girl who got thrown in the pool at Cyril Vega’s party?”she asks, coming a step closer.

Her words make me flinch.That bloody pool is bound up with so many horrible memories that I wish I could get it lobotomized out of my brain.

I don’t answer, just wait for my turn to put my tray down and get out of here.

“And then James Beaufort carried you out.You know people are saying you’re his secret girlfriend?Is that true?”she continues.

It feels like the walls are slowly but surely closing in on me.They’re going to crush me any second now.