Page 42 of Save You

James

The bright lights of the club dance to the beat over my friends’ faces and the bass thumps in my ears, shaking my whole body.

I’m sitting in the lounge on one of the comfy sofas, watching Alistair, Kesh, and Cyril as they dance with a group of girls, not far from me.Wren is sitting out too.I think the lads took one look at my face and decided that they couldn’t leave me on my own this evening.Like I’m a little kid, for fuck’s sake.

“You OK, bro?”Wren yells suddenly in my ear.

I raise an eyebrow.Normally, Wren would be the last person to talk about emotions.Seriously.We’ve both spent years perfecting the art of bottling up our problems.It’s one of the reasons we’re best mates.

“Don’t give me that look.I’m just worried about you.”

I can hardly hear what he’s saying, but his expression speaks louder than words anyway.The moment I set foot in this club, everyone clocked that something must have happened.Cyril handed me a G&T without a word, but even now, a good hourlater, I haven’t touched it.I could down it in one.The urge is strong.Maybe that would finally drown out Ruby’s words, which have been playing in my head on a constant loop.

It’s not my fucking job to make you happy!

I understand why she’s angry—she has every right to yell at me.Driving over to hers was a knee-jerk reaction that I can’t explain, looking back at it.

I hate this situation.I hate that I went to Cyril and not her that Wednesday, and not a single day goes by when I don’t wish for a time machine to make it all unhappen.Because I could have talked to Ruby, when my friends and I have always had the motto “oblivion at all costs.”

I turn away from Wren and stare at my glass.The pounding music isn’t enough to shut down my thoughts and I wrestle with myself for a moment.I look over to the others.Cyril and Alistair are dancing with a couple of girls, while Kesh is leaning against the wall beside them, sipping his drink.For a moment I wonder about getting up and joining them, but it feels as though there are lead weights hanging from my body.It takes me almost every ounce of strength I possess to lean forward and put my glass down untouched on the low wooden table in front of me.

“My whole fucking life is a wreck,” I say in the end.I don’t know if Wren heard.The music is deafening and he’s several drinks in.But his dark brown eyes watch me closely as I continue.“And there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Apparently he did hear, because he leans in a little, grabs my shoulder, and gives it a squeeze for a second.“You’ll do what you’ve done all your life, bro.”

“What’s that?”

Wren’s mouth twitches into a grim smile.“You’ll keep ongoing.If there’s one thing I’ve learned from you in the last few years, it’s that.”

I gulp hard.

“Anytime I’m close to giving up, I remember that.It’s really helped me lately,” he adds.

Again, my eyes rest on the full glass of gin and tonic.What does “keep on going” mean in this case?Forget Ruby and act like none of this ever happened?Or fight for her?

“I know you’re going through a lot at the moment, but it’s your turn to ask me what’s been up with me lately,” he says.

Wren’s words make me look up.“What?”I ask, confused.

He frowns back at me.After a while, he breathes out hard and rubs the back of his neck.“Doesn’t matter.Forget it.”He stands up and nods toward the dance floor, toward our friends, who are bathed in blue and purple light.Their movements are relaxed, like they haven’t a care in the world.

As long as I can remember, that’s been our specialty.Acting like we don’t give a damn about anything or anybody.Like life’s just a game where nothing matters, nothing lasts.Over the last few weeks, I’ve realized that we’ve been under an illusion.Everyone is vulnerable; everyone has something to lose.

I shake my head, but Wren doesn’t take no for an answer.He grabs my hand, pulls me up off the sofa and onto the dance floor.The boys cheer as they see us and open up their circle so that we can join them.I spend a while trying to move to the beat, but it’s not working.

I’m about to apologize to the others and tell them that I’m leaving when someone dances up to me and wraps an arm around my waist.I turn around with a frown—and find myself looking into Elaine Ellington’s face.

“James!”she screams over the music, smiling at me.Her honey-blond waves frame her flushed face.As fast as I can, I push her arm away and leave the dance floor to head back to our lounge.When I get there, I feel strangely out of breath.I order a water and drop onto the sofa.

The sight of Elaine felt like a punch in the guts.I carry the memory of the evening in Cyril’s pool around with me twenty-four seven at the best of times, and in that instant, it was so fresh that I felt a wave of nausea wash over me.

But I’d reckoned without Elaine.After a while, she comes over and sits down beside me, one leg crossed over the other.

“That’s not a very nice way to say hello,” she says, running her hand through her hair.Her eyes sparkle with amusement.She’s sitting so close to me that we’re almost touching.She budges a fraction closer.My whole body freezes as the scent of her perfume reaches my nose.

“I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about what happened to your mum.If you ever want to talk or anything—I’m always here for you.”She puts her hand on my leg and runs it slowly up the fabric of my trousers.

“Elaine, stop it,” I say firmly, pushing her hand away.I shift to the side and look seriously at her.