Page 111 of Save You

But I can’t help it.The thoughts in my head have taken on a life of their own—they escalate until I’m wallowing in catastrophic scenarios and I’m so scared of the future that I can’t think about anything else.It’s like I’ve been in a state of shock for three days.I guess something inside me—and James—broke horribly when Dad told us what had happened.

“I don’t know how to help him,” I whisper, watching James tip back his head and drain yet another glass.It hurts to see him suffering.He can’t keep on like this forever.Sooner or later, he’s going to have to face reality.And in my view, there’s only one person in the world who can help him with that.

I pull out my phone for the squillionth time and call Ruby’s number, but she doesn’t pick up.I wish I could be angry with her, but I can’t.If I’d caught Graham with someone else, I wouldn’t want anything to do with him, or anyone associated with him, ever again either.

“Are you calling her again?”Cy asks, glancing skeptically at my phone.I nod, and he frowns disapprovingly.I’m not surprisedby his reaction.He thinks Ruby’s only interested in James for his money.I know that’s not true, but once Cyril’s made up his mind about a person, it’s very hard to convince him to change it.And I might find it frustrating, but I can’t resent him for it.It’s his way of taking care of his friends.

“He won’t listen to any of us.I think she might be able to get through to him before he has a total breakdown.”My voice sounds weird in my own ears.So cold and flat—but inwardly, I’m the total opposite.

The pain makes it almost impossible even to stand up straight.It’s like I’ve been tied up and spent days trying to undo the knots.Like my thoughts are whirling on a never-ending carousel that I can’t jump down from.Everything seems pointless, and the harder I struggle against the helplessness rising up within me, the more completely it grips me.

I’ve lost one of the most important people in my life.I don’t know how I can get through this alone.Ineedmy twin brother.But all James will do is get shitfaced and smash everything that gets in his way.I haven’t seen my dad since Wednesday.He’s away, meeting with lawyers and accountants, settling the future of the Beaufort companies.He doesn’t even have a second to spare on Mum’s funeral—he’s hired a woman called Julia to organize it, and she’s been strolling in and out of our house for days like she’s part of the family now.

The thought of Mum’s funeral makes my throat clench.I can’t breathe; my eyes start to sting.Hastily, I turn away, but Cyril notices.

“Lydia…” he whispers, gently reaching for my hand.

I pull away from him and leave the room without a word.I don’t want the boys to see me cry.Sooner or later, they’re goingto start asking questions, whatever Cyril says; we can’t stall them forever.They’re not idiots.Even for James, this is out of character.OK, so he gets a bit out of hand sometimes, but he normally knows his limits.And the boys have clocked that right now, he doesn’t.Keshav has started hiding bottles of the hard stuff from the bar, and Alistair “accidentally” flushed James’s last few grams of cocaine down the loo—and that tells you everything you need to know.

I can’t wait to put an end to all this secrecy.It won’t be long now.The press release is going out at three on the dot, and then all the boys will know—and it won’t be just them, either.The whole world will learn that Mum died.I can already see the headlines and the reporters doorstepping us and hanging around outside the school.I feel sick and stumble down the hall toward the library.

The lamps are on, casting faint light on the rows of shelves full of antique leather-bound books.I lean on the bookcases as I cross the room, my knees shaking.Right at the back, by the window, there’s an armchair upholstered in dark red velvet.It’s been my favorite spot in this house ever since I was little.This is where I came to hide away when I wanted some peace—from the boys, from Dad, from the expectations that go with the name Beaufort.

At the sight of this little reading nook, my tears flow all the faster.I curl up in the chair, wrapping my arms around my legs.Then I bury my face in my knees and cry quietly.

Everything around me feels so surreal.Like this is a bad dream that I could wake up from if I just tried hard enough.I wish myself back to the summer, eighteen months ago, when Mum was still alive and Graham could give me a hug when I was having a bad day.

I wipe my eyes with one hand and pull my phone from my jeans pocket with the other.As I unlock the screen, I notice streaks of mascara all over the backs of my hands.

I open my contacts.I haven’t spoken to Graham for months, but he’s still saved in my favorites, along with James’s number.He doesn’t even know about our baby, let alone that my mum died.I’ve honored his wish and haven’t called him.It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my whole life.We were in touch pretty much every day for more than two years, and then it suddenly stopped, practically overnight.It felt like going cold turkey.

And now…I’m having a relapse.I can’t help it.I call his number and hold my breath as I listen to it ring.The ringing stops after a moment.I shut my eyes and listen intently, trying to hear whether or not he’s picked up.At this moment, it’s like I could actually drown in the lonely helplessness I’ve been feeling for days.

“Don’t call me.We agreed,” he says quietly.The sound of his soft, scratchy voice tips me over the edge.My body is shaken by a violent sob.I press my free hand to my mouth so that Graham won’t hear.

But it’s too late.

“Lydia?”

I notice the panic in his voice, but I can’t speak, only shake my head.My breath is out of control, far too fast.

Graham doesn’t hang up.He stays on the line, making quiet, soothing sounds.On the one hand, hearing him is churning me up more than ever, but on the other, it feels so safe and familiar that I press my phone even harder to my ear.I think his voice was one of the reasons I fell in love with him—long before I ever saw him in person.I remember the hours we spent on the phone, myear sore and burning, remember waking up with Graham still on the line.His voice, gentle and quiet, deep, and just as piercing as his golden-brown eyes.

I’ve always felt safe with Graham.For ages, he was my rock.It’s only thanks to him that I was able to move on from the thing with Gregg and start to look ahead again.

And even though I’m devastated, this feeling of security starts trying to fight its way back to the top.Just hearing his voice is helping me calm down ever so slightly.I don’t know how long I sit here like this but, gradually, my tears stop.

“What’s wrong?”he whispers in the end.

I can’t answer.All I can do is utter a helpless sound.

For a minute, he stays quiet.I hear him breathe in a few times like he’s going to say something, but at the last moment, he always holds back.When he finally speaks, his voice is hushed and full of pain: “There’s nothing I’d rather do than drive over to see you, to be there for you.”

I shut my eyes and imagine him sitting in his flat, at the old wooden table that looks about ready to collapse.Graham likes to claim it’s an antique, but he actually pulled it out of a skip and revarnished it.

“I know,” I whisper.

“But you know that I can’t, don’t you?”