Page 22 of Save You

“I understand that the news about your mum knocked him sideways, but…” I shrug helplessly.“That doesn’t change anything.I hate him for what he did.”

“But you were still there when he needed you.That has to mean something, doesn’t it?”

I stir my hot chocolate and take a deep breath.“I still have feelings for him, yes.But at the same time, I’ve never been this angry with anyone in my whole life.And I don’t think that anger is just going away.”

Neither of us speaks.The oven seems to be beeping louder now than a few minutes ago, and the bell over the door and the coming and going of other customers are louder too.

“Would it have been better if I’d gone to my appointment on my own?”Lydia asks out of the blue.

My head snaps up.“No!”

There’s a blush on Lydia’s cheeks and she suddenly looks almost shy.I wonder what’s going on in her head right now.

“If I’d known how you were feeling, I’d never have taken you up on your offer.I—”

“Lydia,” I interrupt her in a gentle voice, reaching across the table to take her hand.Her eyes widen and she stares at our interlinked fingers.“I meant what I said to you.I’d like to be there for you.Our friendship has nothing to do with James.OK?”

She looks back at me, and I think I can spot a glimmer in her eyes.She doesn’t reply to my words, just gives my hand a quick squeeze.And that’s more than enough.

8

James

The raw guitars of Rage Against the Machine have been filling my ears for more than an hour, and it feels as though my whole body is in flames.But it’s still not enough.

I’m standing at the gym, gripping the short bar that’s hooked to the top.I hold my elbows close to my body and let my forearms ride up, then stretch them down, working my triceps over and over again.Sweat drips from my brow onto my T-shirt and my muscles are shaking, but I don’t care.I just keep going.Eventually, I’ll reach the point of total exhaustion, where there’ll be room for nothing in my head but a loud, meaningless roar, and all thoughts of Beaufort’s, Mum, and Ruby will be silenced.Once I’ve done my arms set, I sit down on the seat and grab the chest press handles.I push them forward slowly and as my arms move back, I feel the burn in my pecs.

I only realize that the door to the fitness room has opened when Lydia pops up in front of me, arms akimbo.My sister is staring down at me, saying something, but with the din in my ears, I can’t hear her.I don’t let her put me off, just keep on doingmy reps.Lydia leans down so that I have no choice but to look at her.Her lips slowly form another word—and I don’t need to hear this one to understand it.

Idiot.

What have I done now?I’ve barely left the house since the funeral and I haven’t touched a drop of booze.Which has been hard, especially in the moments when I can’t stop the dark thoughts.But I stuck to it, partly for Lydia’s sake, after her trembling body at Mum’s funeral reminded me that my job as a brother is to be there for her.So I’m not entirely sure why she’s currently standing red-faced in front of me, apparently giving me a torrent of abuse.Although I have to admit that her open-mouth-close-mouth act looks kind of funny while the music thumps in my ears.It’s almost like she’s lip-synching.

Suddenly, Lydia steps closer and flicks out one of my earbuds.“James!”

“What’s wrong?”I ask, taking the other one out too.The sudden quiet seems almost threatening.Lately, I’ve needed sound around me all the time, otherwise I start to think.

“I wanted to talk to you about Ruby.”

I take my hands off the grips and reach for my towel.I wipe it over my face and neck, where the sweat has pooled.I avoid looking at Lydia.

“I don’t know what you—”

“Cut it out, James.”

It feels like I’m wearing a tie that’s too tight, constricting my throat.I cough.“I don’t want to talk about her.”

Lydia looks at me, shaking her head.The corners of her lips are turned down and she’s crossed her arms over her chest.In this second, she reminds me so much of Mum that I have to turnaway for a moment.I stare at the towel and wipe my hands on it, even though they’re long dry.

“I really wish I could help you.Both of you.”

I can only laugh bitterly at that.“There is nous, Lydia.And there never was.I fucked it up.”

“If you explain—” Lydia starts again, but I cut her off.

“She doesn’t want to hear my explanations.And I can’t exactly blame her for that.”

Lydia sighs.“I still think you have a chance.I wish you’d take it instead of holing yourself up here and wallowing in self-pity.”