Page 143 of Save You

“Lydia,” I whisper into the silence.“I’ve fucked up.”

Lydia

I’ve never seen my brother like this before.

I knew that the break with Ruby had affected him, but I had no idea how badly he was hurting.

Now that he’s dropped the mask, I can see the shame in his eyes, as well as the deep sorrow and pain that it’s caused him.It’s the first time he’s openly showed me how he’s doing inside.

I feel a desperate longing to do something for him and Ruby.Because it’s clear that they both have feelings for each other and that they’re both miserable.

“Why didn’t you do anything to show her how sorry you are?”I ask cautiously, after a while.

James turns his head to me.“I tried to apologize to her,” he says, his voice shaky.“She said she couldn’t.”

For a moment, neither of us speaks.

“I can understand that,” I begin eventually, which makes James flinch, barely perceptibly.“But then again…I don’t know.I just so wish you two would get it together.”

“Ruby doesn’t want that, and I have to respect her wishes.”He sounds so resigned as he says those words that I suddenly feel an urge to shake him.

“Since when have you been the type to give up, just like that?”

James snorts.

“What?”

“I didn’t give up,just like that.I’m thinking about her all the time, and I’m pretty damn sure I’ll never have feelings for anyone else.But if she doesn’t want me, then…”

I grab one of the sketchbooks off my bedside table and whack James over the head with it.

He sits up with a jolt.“Ow, what the…?”

I sit up too, ignoring the black dots dancing before my eyes.“You have toshowher, James!Show her how important she is to you and how much you regret it.”

“You didn’t see the way she looked at me on New Year’s Eve.Or hear what she said…” He shakes his head.“She’s determined to begin this year without me—I can’t go bothering her with what I feel for her.In her opinion, we have nothing in common and it would never have worked out.”

“I’m not telling you to go and shower her with declarations of love.But until she knows how sorry you are for what you did, she won’t be able to forgive you.”

I see the cogs starting to turn in his mind and add another thought.“You have to show her.Not just with words.With actions.If she says you’ve got nothing in common, convince her that that isn’t true.”

He gulps and breathes out heavily.He’s fighting a battle with himself; I can see that.

I remember the drive back from Oxford together.The morning before everything changed.James looked so happy.And he was exuding an inner peace that I’d never seen in him before.Like it was the first time he was at one with himself.Like the invisible burden he always carries had disappeared.I want him to get back to that.

Even so, there’s one extra thing he needs to know.“James,” I say, waiting patiently for him to look at me.“If you kiss anyone else who isn’t Ruby ever again, I will personally cut out your tongue.”

James blinks in surprise.Then he slowly shakes his head.“I don’t know how I never clocked that you’re spending a lot of time with Ruby these days.”

I’m tempted to laugh but I restrain myself.“I meant what I said.I really would love it if you two got it together again.”

James exhales audibly.“I want that too.More than anything.”

“Then bloody well fight for her.”

He doesn’t say a word for some time, just stares at the ceiling with a strangely engrossed expression.I wish I could read his mind and see what he’s thinking right now.

“I’m going to,” he says quietly, in the end.