Page 46 of Save You

I shrug again.

I meant what I said to him.It’s not my job to make James happy.Even so, I regret yelling it at him like that.He was clearly struggling, and I’m probably the only person who gets why.When we were in Oxford, he told me that he’d never told anyone about his fears of the future, and I can imagine how he must have been feeling after the Beaufort board meeting and getting into St.Hilda’s.But…we split up.He can’t put all that on me.I can’t be the only thing that gives his life meaning.That’s not what a relationship is meant to be about.

“I want to be there for him, but at the same time, I don’t know if I can,” I whisper.

“I get that,” Lin replies.“But…I also see the way he looks at you in team meetings.I think he really does want to win you back.”

I shake my head.“That’s what he wants rightnow.James is so fickle—in another two weeks, I’ll bet something else will happen to shake up his life, and then he’ll vanish or freak out or do something else to sabotage us, and I’m not having it.I’m not going to let him hurt me like that again.”

I blurt out the last words so fiercely that Lin looks at me in surprise.

“That’s just what I admire about you.”

I blink in confusion.“What is?”

She smiles slightly at me.“I could see exactly how the thing with James messed you up.How much you suffered for him andhis family.You were there for him after he hurt you so badly—and now you’re staying strong and focusing on yourself.I think that’s amazing.”

When she puts it like that, it all sounds more heroic than I feel.I breathe out shakily.“I yelled some really nasty things at him earlier.”

“Do you still have feelings for him?”Lin asks unexpectedly.

Now it’s my turn to flinch.

I remember what I said to him at New Year’s.I can’t just stop loving James.These emotions won’t go away, however much I wish they would.

“Yes,” I whisper.

Lin gives me a sad smile.“Shame we can’t just switch it off, isn’t it?”

I mumble in agreement.“Anyway.I think it’s time we got back to what this evening’s meant to be all about—we’re celebrating.”

She nods vigorously and presses my hand one last time before she lets it go.“You’re right.”

I grab my laptop and find the Oxford website.We spend the next hour looking at the college accommodation, clicking through student pages, and making lists of the stuff we want to do together once we start there.

But however hard I try not to think about them, I can hear James’s words echoing in my head all evening long.

16

Ruby

I spent the whole weekend alternately being happy about my offer from Oxford and wondering whether James would come to the events team meeting on Monday—and how I should act if he does.At this point, I have to admit that my New Year’s resolution to make a clean break has failed.James is everywhere.Either in person or in my thoughts—and I don’t see any way of changing that in the future, especially as remembering his words, even two days later, still sends an excited tingle through my body.

And I feel that exact same tingle now as Lin and I walk into the meeting room after lunch and see James in his usual place, with a book in hand, which is normal for him lately.I glance over, curious to see what it is this time—the new John Green novel—then hastily look away and ask Lin to go through the agenda with me again before the others arrive.

The minutes stretch out like chewing gum, but eventually, Camille strolls in last, and we can get started.

“Doug,” Lin says.“The posters are looking great.We’ve had loads of compliments on them already.”

Doug flashes Lin a fleeting smile, which is still more than anyone else has gotten out of him in recent meetings.

“They might even attract the attention of a potential sponsor or two.”

I nod.“The guest list is much healthier now too.Although we still need some speakers, which is worrying me.We don’t have much time left,” I say.“Kieran, did that professor ever get back to you?”

“Yeah,” he replies, but he doesn’t look too thrilled, so I can guess what’s coming next.“He’s too busy, I’m afraid.But he did say he’d make a decent donation.”

“OK, well, that’s that.Better than nothing.”I give him an encouraging smile.“Has anyone else made any progress?”