Page 13 of Save You

“If she was his girlfriend, she’d be at the funeral, wouldn’t she?”the guy says, just loudly enough that I can hear him.

“Yeah, but that’s why it’s asecret, isn’t it.Maybe he doesn’t want anyone to know.He’s got enough dirty little secrets, you know.”

There’s a loud crash.

I’ve dropped my tray.

There’s debris everywhere at my feet.I stare at a couple of peas as they roll across the floor but can’t even manage to pick them up.My body is rooted to the spot.

“Stop talking bollocks,” a deep voice sounds beside me.Thenext moment, there’s an arm around my shoulder and somebody’s escorting me out of the dining hall.I can dimly hear Lin’s voice behind me, calling something out, but the person just walks on, leading me out into the stairwell.Only then does their arm leave my shoulder as they turn to face me.My eyes travel up past the beige trousers and dark blue blazer, up to the face of…Keshav Patel.

I have to blink a few times before I realize that it’s really him standing there.His black hair is tied in a neat bun at the nape of his neck and he’s stroking back a stray strand.Then he turns his dark brown, almost black eyes on me.

“Are you all right?”he asks quietly.

I think I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I’ve heard Keshav speak.He’s definitely the quietest of James’s friends.I’ve kind of got a bit of an idea what Alistair, Cyril, and Wren are like, but he’s still a closed book to me.

“Yeah,” I croak in the end, then clear my throat.

I look around and see where we are.This is where I had my first real encounter with James, under the stairs, away from prying eyes.This is where he tried to bribe me and I threw his stupid money back in his face.I can’t help wondering whether everything at this bloody school is always going to remind me of him from now on.

“Good,” Keshav says.Just like that, he turns, puts his hands in his pockets, and walks away.I watch him until he’s out of sight.Less than thirty seconds later, Lin hurries out of the dining hall, her face angry as she looks around for me.

“I’m here, Lin,” I say, stepping out from under the stairs.

“I told them what I thought of them,” she growls, coming toward me.“Utter idiots.What did Keshav want?”

I wrinkle my brow and look in the direction he disappeared.“I have no idea.”

The first thing on the to-do list for the events meeting this afternoon is wrapping up the Secret Santa gifts.Over the last couple of weeks, people have been dropping off little presents to us, which then traditionally get handed out in homeroom on the last day before the Christmas holidays.

Normally I love making up parcels of letters and sweets and putting them in bags so that kids in the lower school can take them from class to class.But this time, even the Christmas music we’re playing can’t lift the mood.

That’s probably because an above average number of the letters are addressed to the Beauforts, and we can’t decide what we ought to do with them.James and Lydia haven’t come back to school, so we can’t give these to them in person, and I doubt that they’d appreciate having them sent to them at home.I wish I could just ask the two of them whether or not they want the letters.But that’s not an option, so the team votes on it and agrees to hold on to them for the time being.Apart from anything else, we don’t know what’s in them.Somebody might have gone in for a sick joke.

For the rest of the meeting, I keep catching myself staring at the empty chair where James sat when he was serving his punishment with us.Apparently, everything really is going to remind me of him now, even though I’d love to just forget our time together.Whenever I think of him, it feels as though someone’s pushed a hand through my rib cage, wrapped their fingers around my heart, and squeezed hard.

I’m so very angry with him.

How could he do that to me?

How?

Just the thought of letting anyone else get as close to me as he did makes me sick, but he didn’t hesitate to kiss somebody else.

And the worst thing is, I’m not only angry with James, I also feel sorrow and sympathy for him.He’s lost his mum, and every time I’m filled with white-hot rage toward him, I feel guilty.But I know that I don’t have any reason to.

It’s not fair, and it’s tiring, and by the time I get home, I’m totally worn out by the war all these contradictory emotions are waging inside me.The school day has robbed me of all my energy, and I can’t even muster up a cheerful façade for my family.Since Mum found out about Cordelia Beaufort dying, she’s treated me like a fragile eggshell.I haven’t told her what happened between James and me, but like all mothers, she has an instinctive understanding of certain things.Like when your daughter is heartbroken.

I’m glad when I can finally fall into bed at night.But despite my exhaustion, I spend over an hour tossing and turning.There’s nothing to distract me here.There’s nothing left to do, nothing that can force its way between me and my thoughts of James.I lay an arm over my face and screw up my eyes.I want to summon up the darkness, but all I can see is his face.His hint of a mocking smile, the lively glint in his eyes, the beautiful curve of his lips.

I swear, throw off the duvet, and stand up.It’s so cold that I get goose bumps down my arms as I walk over to my desk and grab my laptop.I head back to bed and pull the covers right up.I jam a pillow behind my back, open the laptop, and go to my browser.

It feels almost like I’m doing something illegal as I type the letters into the search box.

J-a-m-e-s-B-e-a-u-f-o-r-t

Enter.