Page 26 of Save You

Stop worrying so much about what other people might think of me

But as I make a note of each point in turn, I realize that it doesn’t feel right.This list isn’t honest enough, and if I really listen to my heart, I know why.

In the last year, I fell in love for the first time—and my heart was broken in the cruelest way.I can’t just erase that fact.I’m going to need quite a while to work through it.Because heartache doesn’t stop just because we’ve rung in a new year.

Until now, I haven’t wanted to see James.I’d hoped that eventually, I’d start to forget him.But now I realize that I can’t write my resolutions while things are still up in the air between us.There’s way too much that I want to say to him.And I don’t think I’ll be able to start the new year without doing that.I won’t be able to start again while James is still taking up so much space in my thoughts, my feelings, and my life.

“Ruby?”I hear Lin’s voice as if from a great distance.

I look at her and make a decision.

But before I put it into action, I’m going to party with my friends.

James

Normally, New Year’s Eve with my friends is legendary.In the past, we’ve rented a lakeside villa or thrown parties in London that are booked up months in advance.We’ve kept drinking into the small hours and forgotten everything around us.

This year, I spend New Year’s Eve at home alone.

Where’s Dad?Not a clue.The staff have the night off and Lydia’s out with a friend.She didn’t tell me who.Since our fight a couple of days ago, she’s been ignoring me, only speaking to me when she has to.

Wren tried to talk me into going away with him and the lads this year too, but I couldn’t get my arse into gear.Just the thought of being stuck in some London club with all the deafening music and champagne makes my hair stand on end.I can’t keep on acting like the old days.Not after my life has turned one-eighty in the last three months.Not when nothing inside me looks the same anymore.

I spend the evening watching wildlife documentaries about the Kenyan savannah on my laptop and eating takeaway kebab and chips out of cardboard boxes.Sometimes I succeed in taking my mind off things for five minutes straight.But most of the time, I’m thinking about Ruby.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve realized to my frustration thatwe didn’t collect enough shared memoires.There are no photos of us, nothing to remind me of what we experienced together.All I have left is the bag I had made for her birthday.It’s still standing there beside my desk, mocking me day in, day out.I can’t count the times I’ve picked it up and looked inside, just in case Ruby left anything in it.A note, or anything to hint that she really used it and liked it.

I feel as though my memories are slowly starting to fade.The sensation of Ruby’s skin on mine, our voices, her laugh.Everything is growing mistier and less tangible, even the day she was here, consoling me.The only thing that I can still see clearly, that still replays over and over again in my head, is the expression on her face when she saw me with Elaine.I’ll never forget that.And I’ll never forget what it did to me—even through the haze of alcohol and drugs.At that moment, and every day since.

My original plan was to sleep through into the new year, but it’s after one now and I’m wider awake than ever.On the spur of the moment, I decide to go down to the fitness room.Maybe an hour on the treadmill will not only tire out my body but also get my head to shut up.

I put on my shorts and T-shirt, pull on my running shoes, and grab my iPhone, which has been sitting, ignored, on my bedside table since this afternoon.My headphones are still plugged in and, as usual, I have to untangle them first.I’m about to put them on when I hear someone walking down the landing.

Presumably Lydia’s back.

I open the door to wish her a happy new year—and freeze.

My sister is not alone there.

I rub my eyes because I think I’m dreaming.But no.After I’ve lowered my hand again, I can still see two people.

Ruby is standing on our landing.

There’s a dark blue bundle jammed under her arm.It doesn’t take me much thought to work out what it is.It’s my jumper.The one I put on her after Cyril’s party.The one I didn’t mind missing from my wardrobe because I liked the idea that Ruby had it.

Ruby is saying something quietly to my sister, who nods.Lydia glances briefly at me, but looks away again at once, then vanishes into her room.Good to know that I’ve pissed my sister off so thoroughly that she can’t even bring herself to wish me a happy new year.

“Can we talk?”Ruby asks.

I swallow hard.I haven’t seen her, or heard her voice, for so long, and now she’s standing only a few feet away.Being this close to her is making my heart beat like wild; I long to cross the gap between us and take her in my arms.But I just nod, turn, and walk back into my room.Ruby follows me hesitantly.I click the light on and sigh.It’s definitely looked better in here.My checked pajama trousers that I just took off are lying in the middle of the floor, there are magazines everywhere, and the bed is unmade and probably stinks of greasy takeaways.

And to top it all off, Ruby’s bag is standing in plain sight on my desk.