Page 204 of Save You

The feeling burgeoning in me now is only a shadow of that, but I hold fast to it.

26

Lydia

For the first time in my life, I have to order a dress online.Instead of strolling down Bond Street and wandering into each of the shops at least once, I’m sitting on Ruby’s bed, clicking from one website to another.It’s fun, especially because I don’t have to do this on my own, but I’m still looking forward to when I’ll be able to go back to my favorite shops in person, to touch the dresses for real and see them up close.

That’s not going to be an option for the next few months though.Most of the shop owners know me, and it’s way too likely that they’d take one glance at my stomach and put two and two together.After that, it would be only a matter of time before Dad found out.

And that thought sends an ice-cold shiver through my body.

No, online shopping will have to do for the time being.

“What d’you think of that one?”Ruby asks, turning her laptop toward me.

I screw up my nose.“It looks like someone slipped with the scissors,” I say, running my index finger over the image—thehemline is a good bit higher at the front than the back.“My mum would have been so angry at a cut like that.The color isn’t great either.And nor is the lazy bit of lace at the neckline.”

“OK, OK.”Ruby laughs, closing the window.“Well, let’s try here.We’re only on page twelve of twenty-seven.”

She starts scrolling down, and together we watch an array of dresses in all kinds of cuts and colors pop up on the screen.

“Maybe I should just skip the Spring Ball,” I suggest after a while.

Ruby instantly shakes her head.“It’s your last Spring Ball, Lydia.Youhaveto come.”

“I’m starting to think it’s going to be impossible to find a dress that will hide this belly.What if someone catches on?”I ask, pointing at the little bump beneath my oversize sweatshirt.

“We’ll find a dress.Don’t you worry.”Ruby sounds a lot more confident than I feel.

Dr.Hearst has told me that I’m a lot smaller than most women expecting twins, but I feel enormous.Over the last few weeks, I’ve got used to carrying my school bag in front of me, and my blouses are two sizes bigger now.James snuck them home from the sewing room last time he was up at Beaufort’s for a meeting.This is the first time that I’ve been glad our school uniform was designed by Mum and is made in our workshops.

I wish it was that easy to get hold of a ball dress.I’m already wishing I hadn’t let James and Ruby talk me into going.And the dress isn’t even my biggest problem.My main concern is avoiding Graham outside class at all costs.

But I can’t tell Ruby that—and I certainly can’t tell James.I couldn’t bear it if he gave me even one more sympathetic glance.Not after last Wednesday, when I got a trapped nerve in my backand was lying helpless in bed like a beetle.The pain was so bad that I couldn’t move and had to wait for James to hear me calling for help.And then he had to help medress.

It was humiliating, and I wish I could just wipe the whole morning from my head.Forever.So now, if I tell him that I can’t face meeting Graham at a party, he’s bound to think I’m losing it.And I’d hate that.

“What about this one?”asks Ruby.

I don’t like that dress either.It’s too young for me, not glamorous enough—it reminds me of a uniform.“What I really want is a dress where I won’t totally stand out.”

“I’d never have thought it would be this hard to find a suitable dress forA Midsummer Night’s Dream.I wish we hadn’t chosen it as the theme now.”

“It’s a gorgeous theme.And an Elie Saab dress would work perfectly for it,” I sigh.

Ruby types the name into her browser search bar and then squeals enthusiastically.“Yes, they really would be perfect.The appliqué flowers are stunning and…oh God, they cost a fortune!”

“Oh, ah, yes.But that isn’t the problem.The thing is, you have to try a dress like that on in person, and I can’t do that right now.”

Quite apart from the fact that it would be totally OTT to go to a school ball like that.I’m saving the dream of Elie Saab for my wedding day.Or someone else’s—all my friends will probably be married before me.My love life now consists entirely of reading old messages from Graham and bursting into tears, as inconspicuously as possible.

It’s a fiasco.

“We could ask Ember to help,” Ruby suggests hesitantly.“She’s great at finding stuff online.”She glances cautiously at me.“We don’t need to tell her any more than she needs to know.”

“Don’t you think she’ll work it out for herself?”I ask.

“She might.Ember has a nose for secrets,” Ruby muses.“But even if she does, I hope you know that she’d never tell a soul.”