Page 79 of Like You Want It

She goes quiet, probably shocked at my outburst.

“I went after a woman that I knew was your friend. I ignored how it hurt you to feel betrayed. I ignored the signs that she was a liar and manipulator. I ignored the many friends and family who said she wasn’t what she claimed. And then I married her,” I swallow, still feeling the pang of loss that I’d felt after finding out that Ashley had lied to me to get what she wanted. “It was my stupidity that caused me to make bad choice after worse choice after exceptionally stupid choice. So it is completely on me that she was able to impact our lives like she did in the first place.”

Susie stays quiet, but eventually rests her head against my shoulder as Nell starts to doze in her arms.

I wrap an arm around her and bring her in against me, thankful that my sister and I have a relationship that was able to recover from what happened. That our bond is strong enough to warrant forgiveness.

I glance back at the house and my mind drifts briefly to my brother.

Maybe there’s hope for me and Noah.

“You’ll have it again,” she whispers, then leans back to look at me. “You’ll find it again, and next time, it’ll be real.”

I shake my head, the very bones inside of me certain that she’s wrong. “I know you think that. But I just don’t know if it’s in the cards for me anymore.”

Susie and I both watch the fire for a few more minutes, the flames dancing in the night, causing those bursts of light in your eye that remain in your vision once you look away.

“I don’t think I’ve ever asked you this,” she says, pulling back slightly to look at me. “Are you okay? After everything she did, and everything that happened? Youseemmostly okay. But you’re different now, and I can’t really pin it.”

I let out a quiet breath, looking back at the fire as my mind quickly rotates through the different memories that have led me to the place I’m at now.

Because I can’t look her in the eyes when I say it.

“I’m okay,” I say, a smile pulling tight across my face. “I promise.”

But it’s a lie.

«««« »»»»

When we head back inside, Carly sits at the table, giggling with my mom and dad and Noah, her hand over her mouth full of food.

Noah spots me and his back straightens, his smile dropping from his face.

I walk over and silently grab a slice of pizza, then take my regular place around my parents’ eight-person farmhouse table.

And as I pass Noah, I clasp a hand on his shoulder and give him a squeeze.

If I were a betting man, I’d say he doesn’t want me to be nice to him. He’s been used to me treating him like the asshole I know he can be for the past few years, and I think he somewhat enjoys being cast in that role.

Who doesn’t like when they’re encouraged to act on their baser instincts?

But once I finally take a seat next to my dad, across from my brother, I catch his eyes. And what I see is a wary confusion, a sadness that I didn’t know he was capable of.

I nod my head at him, then turn my gaze to focus on where Carly is telling a story to my parents, her hands waving dramatically in the air and her voice taking on different pitches and inflections as she imitates people from work.

It’s an imperfect moment, filled with people who aren’t going to do everything right. But in this moment, surrounded by my family, I believe we can get back to a place of happiness.

And that makes me smile.