Page 119 of Like You Want It

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

CARLY

“I don’t really get this show,” Fin says on a Saturday evening as we slip slowly and quietly into April. His hand digs in to the bowl of popcorn that I placed on his lap earlier after declaring him the popcorn holder and snuggling into his side.

I shrug, turning my face up towards his. “It’s just about an eternal optimist taking on the city that’s supposed to eat you alive and spit you out.”

He glances at me, a smirk on his face. “Is this one of those situations where if I critique the main character of the show, you’ll take personal offense because you relate to her?”

I just cross my arms and glare at him. Though if I’m honest, I’m impressed at his observational skills.

There’s been a shift recently in the way we talk with each other. When you start opening up, when you begin to share the pieces of what makes you the person you are, there’s a new common knowledge. A new language to speak.

Fin and I are creating that language.

We see each other about three or four times a week. Order food together, watch shows and movies. Have amazing sex. And we talk.

It’s the talking I like best. For a man who spoke as little as Fin did when we first met, he sure is making up for it now.

I’ve heard stories about being on the swim team in high school, being voted Prom king, his concerns about attending the Naval Academy, the rigors of SEAL training. He’s opened up about his parents and the struggles they faced in their marriage.

Of course, I’ve reciprocated, making sure he’s fully up-to-date on the happenings with Caleb and my dad, sharing my misadventures at college.

When I shared with him about my mom’s death, he seemed really moved. And for a minute, I thought he might talk to me about Ashley.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t tell him about my mom expecting that he’d tell me about Ashley. But… I don’t know… I guess I just thought we were finally reaching that point where he would trust me with that darkness. That pain from his past.

But when I tried to breach the conversation topic – “So, what was the deal with you and Noah when we visited your parents’ house?” – I was quickly shut down.

Tonight is slightly different for us. Fin showed up with groceries. And we made dinner together. Now we’re watching TV and we haven’t had sex.

It’s the first time we’ve gotten together and just… spent time together. I mean, I’m assuming we’ll have sex soon. We normally do. But instead of the sex being the main course, it’s becoming dessert. What happensafterall the other good stuff.

I love it so much that I’m not thinking when I ask. I’m pouring myself a new glass of wine, and dreaming about what might come next.

“Hey, so…” I pause, re-corking the wine and setting the bottle down on the island. “My birthday is in three weeks, and Caleb’s hosting a dinner for me at his place.”

I can feel him freeze from across the room, his hand hovering over the tub of popcorn. The frost stretching along his skin and populating the air around us is thick enough to cause my breath to fog over.

“Do you want to come?”

I knew the minute I started speaking that it was a mistake to bring it up at all. That acknowledging something different than just fooling around and fucking around at my place would be too much for him to take.

But maybe there was a small part inside of me that wanted to push a little bit. Make us more than how he sees us.

He shifts uncomfortably where he sits on the couch. “I’m not sure.”

I nod my head, turning my eyes to the TV instead of watching him. “Well, it’s three weeks from today. My brother and his family and maybe my dad will be there. Dina’s coming. I’m gonna invite Susie and some other friends from work.” I shrug, though I don’t think he’s even looking at me. “Let me know if you can make it.”

He still hasn’t really moved apart from setting the popcorn bowl down on the coffee table, but I can tell that even though his eyes are on the TV, he isn’t really watching it.

I sit down at the other end of the couch and prop my feet on his lap, my favorite spot. He started rubbing them a few weeks ago and it isdivine.“Don’t read anything into it, okay?” I say, shrugging a shoulder and taking another sip of my wine. “I’m not inviting you to meet my family as my boyfriend. I know you’re not ready for that yet.”

I wince as soon as the words are out of my mouth.

I can see them hovering there in the space between us, shifting and changing and threatening his level of comfort.

And I wish I could take it back. Immediately.