Page 78 of Like You Want It

I nod. “Not dating.”

“Have you slept with her?”

I make a weird noise, a scratchy sound almost like I’m trying to hock up a loogie. But I don’t deny it. I was inside of Carly less than twenty minutes ago. It feels like the ultimate insult to deny it.

Susie resituates Nell in her lap as she tries to go for her earrings. “No, baby. Don’t grab those.” She sighs then, bounces Nell on her knee, and looks at me. “I don’t know how I should feel right now apart from afraid that history is repeating itself.”

I shake my head, but she cuts me off.

“Fin, you havenoidea what that was like for me. Finding out about you and Ashley. Then feeling like my one friend had been using me the entire time just to get to you.”

I stare at my hands, remembering Susie’s face when she found out I’d been sleeping with her only friend. I’d been young, but not so young that I didn’t know I was hurting my sister. And it is one of my greatest regrets.

“It made me feel like I was worthless. Like the only reason someone could ever want to spend time with me is because they’re hoping I’ll give them someone else, someone better.”

My stomach twists.

“I’m not blaming you for the drug stuff. That was my own fault. But the situation with Ashley was a catalyst, and I don’t think I’m strong enough right now to deal with those kinds of feelings again.”

NowI’mthe one with glassy eyes, feeling torn up inside at how my actions have ricocheted into the people around me.

“I feel like Carly is a genuine person, like she really wants to be my friend and isn’t just hanging out with me because of you.”

“That’s true.”

“But I thought the same about Ashley. I can’t afford to make that same mistake again.”

I rest my head back against the stucco, trying to find the right words to reassure my sister that she doesn’t have to be afraid of her own judgment just because of past mistakes.

“Ashley was… a mistake. Clearly. And you’ll never know how much I wish I could take back my actions. Erase those chapters from my life.” I shake my head. “But I can’t. And if we really looked back at everything, would you really want to change what happened? Everything you’ve been through? You wouldn’t have Nell.”

“That’s not fair,” she whispers, the tears tracking down her face again, this time too quickly for her to catch and I watch them slip down her neck and soak into the hem of her shirt.

“You’re right. It isn’t fair. But neither is life.”

She rolls her eyes and I chuckle. “I hate when people say that,” she grumbles, lifting her shirt up to wipe her face.

I nod. “I know. But that’s because you and me? We don’t like when people plop the truth in our face. You don’t like hearing that life isn’t fair, and I don’t like accepting that I’m partially to blame for what you went through.”

Her face turns to mine. “That’s… not what I meant when I said that.”

“I know it isn’t,” I reply, giving her a sad smile. “But that doesn’t make it any less true.”

We’re silent for a few minutes, just letting the warmth from the fire keep us cozy in the chilly night air.

“Have you heard from her at all?” Susie asks.

I shake my head.

Thankfully, I haven’t heard from Ashley since the divorce was made final a few years ago. I heard through a mutual friend that she moved to Florida to be with her brother and his family. But I have no urge to check in. Find out what happened to her.

“Good. I hope we never hear from her again. She fuckingruinedour family.”

“She did not.”

“Yes she did.”

“No she didn’t, Susie.Idid.Iruined our family.”