Page 38 of Like You Want It

We end the day snuggled onto the couch, finishing another bottle of wine, and eating a box of See’s Candies that she pulls out of somewhere.

Then I leave her to sleep on her couch while I head back down to my place.

I check my watch as I head in through my front door. It’s only four o’clock. Perfect. I have enough time to… I look around my apartment.

Fuck it. I’m a little buzzed. And I have enough back up clothes to warrant skipping out on laundry tonight.

I sink into my couch and stare up at the ceiling, thinking over what Susie decided to share with me today.

It blows my mind, what she’s been through. And at such a young age.

I feel lucky that my parents instilled a healthy fear of drugs in both me and Caleb. It has never interested me to get involved with pills or anything else that can change your mood. Part of that is because it seems scary to me to not be in control of myself. But the other part is that I just enjoy my life how it is. I don’t feel like I need to take anything to make it better or to experience the up swing.

Even though I don’t understand her motives, I still feel like I can empathize with how lost she felt. How scared she was. How weak she had been made to feel in a relationship that drained her of every resource she had at her disposal.

We live in a society that considers drug users to be worthless. And that breaks my heart. Because I know there are plenty of people out there with Susie’s story. Plenty of men and women who just made one or two poor choices, and it changed the entire course of their lives.

I let out a sigh, and say a quick thank you to anyone listening that Susie happened to move in upstairs. Hopefully, I’ll get to be a positive force of good in her life, a reminder that she has value and should absolutely still love herself, regardless of the mistakes she’s made.

And who knows?

Maybe she can be someone who does that for me too.

Because we all need someone in our corner who believes the best in us, wants the best for us.

Right before I doze off, my thoughts flit briefly to Fin. To this very different version of a man that I seem to only have seen the worst of.

A man who quits his job and moves and takes care of his sister’s daughter.

A man who is caring and loving and family oriented.

I don’t know what version of Fin is real. The one from Susie’s stories, or the one that seems angry and irritated and unhappy all of the time.

There’s something about him that is just… I can’t put my finger on it. It’s like he’s being flat on purpose, like he enjoys being irritated.

Like he wants to dislike me.

I just don’t understand.

And yet, my heart races when he’s around. I feel slightly jittery. I want to spar with him. Ilikesparring with him. And that makes me picture us both in wrestling gear, trying to pin each other on the mat.

Faced with that situation, would I give in quickly? Desperate for his attention and his body pressed against mine? Or would I fight it? Go for the throat? Try to pin him?

I laugh at that and snuggle my face into the side of the couch.

Fin weighs as much as a fucking car. The only way I’d be able to pin him is if he let me. If he laid on his back and I rode him.

God, I think I might be a little drunker than I thought.

I let out a sigh and let my mind fade slowly to black. Today isn’t going to be a day for any more reflection.

Nor is it going to be a day when I figure out anything else in regards to Fin Callaghan.