Page 121 of Like You Want It

He’s said it before, always referencing the fact he’s been told a lot in his life that the things he has to say don’t matter, so he tends to keep his mouth shut.

I tried to make sure he knew thatIcared about what he had to say. ThatIwanted to hear his secrets. Calm his fears. Encourage his dreams.

Too bad he wasn’t interested in that.

I don’t mention anything about it to Susie. I’m sure she doesn’t want to sit around and hear me whine about why her brother doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore.

That would be weird, right?

But I know it’s not the sex that I miss.

It’s what happened after.

The Sunday night sexy times that turned into a relationship, whether he wants to call it that or not.

There’s something about Fin that calls to me, speaks to a place inside of me that has felt raw and wounded for so long. This lost, aching spot that has just wanted to be loved and listened to and validated. For exactly who I am.

And for the first time, it felt like someone wanted to tend to those spots. Heal them over. Make them whole.

I thought Fin might be that person.

But I guess I was wrong.

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When my twenty-fourthbirthday rolls around two weeks later, I’m in as good of spirits as can be expected after a non-break up, break up.

Which is why I’m both thrilled and on edge when Susie tells me that Fin is coming to the party.

My thoughts seem to swing dramatically from one side of the pendulum to the other.

Excited. Irritated. Looking forward to seeing him. Hating that he’s coming.

At six, I sit at a long plastic table in Caleb’s backyard as everyone sings to me for my birthday.

As expected, Dina is singing loudly. Susie is singing along, but probably just mouthing the words. Christine is stoic and unhappy as she watches from the other end of the table. Ari runs around, totally oblivious.

My dad is the one who catches my eye. Normally a fairly neutral man in terms of his facial expressions, he actually seems to be smiling a bit, which feels odd. But I brush that away, filing it underthings I don’t understand about my dad.

A handful of friends from work round out the bunch.

All-in-all, it’s a strange, hodgepodge group of people here celebrating my birthday. And I should be enjoying it.

But the fact Fin hasn’t shown up yet is the only thing I can think about.

And I hate that about me.

Hate it.

I don’twantto bethisgirl. The one who is so focused on the guy that isn’t here, that I miss out on my own fucking life.

Too bad I don’t know how to turn these feelings off.

It’s nearing eight when I see lights through the kitchen window as Fin’s car pulls into Caleb’s drive. Backs up. Parks at the curb.

He gets out, his long body the only thing I can see as he comes around the front of his SUV and goes to the side door, opening the back and pulling out Nell.

Caleb has a door with a glass pane in it. It’s a foggy glass, so you can only see the outline or shape of the person at the door, nothing specific.