Page 19 of Like You Want It

“Always with the bright colors, huh?” he says as I walk into his office and take a seat in front of his desk.

Like that comment. He said it with a smile, and I know he’s not being nasty. But I also know he prefers those bland colors that he wears as a professor. The navy, the brown, the beige. A deep burgundy tie against a white shirt is a bold day for him. Bright colors are for attention seekers, not people who put their nose to the grind.

So to anyone else, it sounds like some good-natured ribbing between siblings. That’s probably what his teaching assistant thinks as she sits outside of his office and grades tests.

And maybe it is. Maybe I’m reading too much into it. Maybe I’ve spent the past few years worrying about what he thinks of me, so I’m unable to identify the difference between teasing and something else.

But it feels like the beginning of an attack on what makes me… me.

And each attack feels like another attempt to chip away at the person I enjoy being.

“That’s me,” I say, giving him a smile, trying to brush it off.

He rolls his eyes as he settles back into his own chair. “You know you’ll never get taken seriously when you wear stuff like that, right?”

Aaaaaaaaand there it is.

The first comment would have been fine just on its own if that’s all that was coming my way. But it wasn’t. And it never is. Not anymore. I know he probably means well, which is why I’ve never said anything about it. But it drives me insane.

“Good thing I don’t want to be taken seriously then, huh?”

Caleb laughs and so do I. Though if I had to pinpoint what was funny about what I said I wouldn’t be able to tell you.

“So, what can I do for you, sis? It’s been a while since you’ve decided to drop by the school unannounced. Must be important.”

I swallow something sour. Since the minute I moved out at eighteen, my dad has made it a point to remind me of how much time it is between visits. But it has only been a recent thing with Caleb.

My therapist says it’s a power move, a way for him to make a statement about me not considering him important so that while I’m visiting, I feel flooded with guilt and bend to his whims.

Okay, those weren’t her exact words. I may have taken a few liberties. But that’s the general gist of it.

She also said it was best in those circumstances to cut it off at the knees and re-level the playing field. Make sure I don’t give in to the guilt trip. Let go of whatever feeling is being pushed at me and instead, focus on the relationship.

It’s a hard thing to do when you feel attacked, but we practiced things I could say to Caleb and to my dad. Went over the different scenarios I might be in.

In this case, Caleb is almost making it sound like I did a bad thing by visitingunannounced,and then implies that I’m only visiting because I need something.

Today is a day I feel lucky for a kickass therapist. Time to let go of the irritation and focus on the relationship.

I straighten my shoulders and give Caleb a smile. One from childhood and sibling silliness. Just because he sits behind a desk or commands rooms of young adults doesn’t mean we can’t still be sibs.

“I really had no reason for swinging through. I just missed you is all, and I feel lucky to have caught you during a break.”

He shifts in his seat, but I can see the beginnings of a grin on his face.

“How are things, Cay? I miss you.”

He does smile then. If Caleb likes anything in this world, it’s feeling needed.

“Just working. The promotion to full-time has definitely changed things around, but it’s been pretty great. Christine appreciates that I have a more consistent schedule.” He pauses for a second. “We would love for you to come by for dinner soon, if you have the time.”

As much as I wish I could love this moment of brotherly affection, acid churns in my stomach, though I make sure not to show it on my face.

Christine is Caleb’s fiancé, and they have a three-year-old daughter, Ari. Ari is one of my favorite little people in the world, but Christine isn’t a big fan of mine. If I had to wager a guess, I’d say she’s classified me as an enemy.

I mean, I guess it’s a fair assessment. Shedidoverhear me telling my brother that she was using him. It was a long time ago, back when things between them were pretty unstable. And I can totally understand her perspective. It’s the last thing you want to overhear being said about you.

Now, her smiles for me are plastic, she barely acknowledges me when I’m in the same room as her, and I know she’s a whisper of dissent between my brother and me.