Page 123 of Like You Want It

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When I pull into Fin’s driveway later that evening, I feel a little bit foolish. There’s a part of me that is intent on shaming myself for what I’m choosing to do right now.

Why would you go to his house when he made it clear earlier that he doesn’t even want to talk to you?

But I tell that bitch to shut up.

I’m not here to prove him wrong or talk him into anything. I’m simply here to get answers.

And sure, maybe it makes me a crazy person. In the story of someone else’s life, I’d be the insane chick who shows up sobbing and screamingwhyyyyyyyyyyy?

But this isn’t someone else’s life. This ismine.If I need to cut the wounds a little bit deeper to pull out the bullet? So be it.

It takes him a few minutes to answer the door, and my traitorous body responds when he answers in a pair of sweat pants and a form-fitting shirt.

“Hi,” I say, my voice kind of a whisper. I shake out my arms, clear my throat. Then try again. “Hi.”

He just stares at me.

“I’d like to talk to you. If you have a minute.”

He waits a beat. Two. Three. Then steps back and allows me into his house.

I head straight for the kitchen, feeling like a bright space with access to knives is a good place to have an awkward chat.

I almost giggle at that, but just manage to tamp it down.

Spinning, I see him slowly following me.

“When I first thought about coming over here to talk to you,” I start, my voice coming out stronger than I feel, “I told myself it was because I just wanted answers. A reason for why you decided to drop me so quickly. Thought we were so disposable that you couldn’t even acknowledge my birthday today.” I shake my head. “But I’m just now realizing that there is nothing you can say that will make me feel any better.”

He crosses his arms and leans a hip against his counter, his eyes assessing.

“Because this is all my own fault. I pushed you when you weren’t ready. I tried to make us into something you didn’t want. I was the instigator. The initiator. I threw myself at you in any way I could because I was desperate for your attention.”

I shake my head. “I was falling for you, and when it came time for you to catch me, you fucking dropped me on my ass. So for that I take full responsibility. But you…” I say, pointing a finger at him. “You’re a coward.”

He clenches his fists. “Am I?” he says, his voice deadly.

“Yes. And all because someone hurt you in your past. I know about Ashley, and the fact that you could lump me in with a woman like her… someone who would hurt you that badly…”

“What do you know about Ashley?” he spits out, his words hinting at the rage that I know is brewing somewhere deep inside of him.

“She lied and she cheated. Guess what, Fin? It happens totonsof people. Myself included. But that doesn’t mean you get to retreat into a hole and not participate in life. Not experience the things that make the world beautiful.”

“You havenoidea what you’re talking about,” he shoots back, taking a step forward.

“Well I would if you would just talk to me about it instead of…”

“Instead of clamping up when you ask questions about Noah? Instead of intentionally avoiding the topic?”

I flush slightly, embarrassed that I was so obvious. So curious.

“Did it ever occur to you that I don’t want to talk about it with you? That it’spainfulfor me to talk about the fact that I was so stupid, I fell for someone who lied to me about being pregnant. Then lied about a miscarriage. Then slept with my brother?”

I freeze. She… what?

“I married Ashley because she was pregnant. And then I stayed married to her after she had a miscarriage. Because what dick leaves his wife when she loses the baby?” He grits his teeth. “Only there never was a baby to begin with. It was all a fucking lie, just so she could get what she wanted.”