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Abby

The coat Mandy gives me is awesome. I say goodbye to Ve, leave him the car keys, and drive off with people from work.

The party is stretching on. Intent on releasing some of the bad emotions that I have been struggling with lately, I drink too much. Then we go clubbing in Cape. The group is getting smaller by the hour. Some people have to go to work tomorrow, but I’m so hammered, I don’t care. I want to have fun and stop thinking. I get another shot. Eventually, we end up at someone’s home. I’m so wasted I don’t even recognize these people. The only ones I know are Larry and a girl from the store in Cape. I like her, but I don’t remember her name. Marcelline, I think? I black out after having some more vodka. I wake up in a bed. Next to me lies Larry. And there are another twenty people or so sprawled over the furniture and floors throughout the apartment. Fucking hell. Where the crap am I? What did I do? Snippets and images are racing through my head. One hits me like a ten-ton truck. I’m in the bathroom. Larry enters and locks the door. He steps closer, runs his fingers through my hair, and pulls me in.

“You don’t have the slightest idea how much I want you. You’re so sexy, Abby.”

He looks me in the eyes, leans in, and presses his lips to mine, opening them with his tongue. I return the kiss, lost in the moment. Larry sits on the toilet and pulls me towards himself. I straddle him. I can feel his bulging erection right underneath my pussy. We’re divided only by the thin fabric of his pants and my leggings. I’m not counting the lace panties. I feel a strange arousal, simultaneously happy that I’m not naked. Otherwise I would have been riding his dick by now.

I feel suddenly nauseous. I push myself up, find the bathroom, and throw up. What the hell did I do? I hate myself like never before. I fish in my handbag and find chewing gum. Thank god. I get my makeup in order. Larry’s not asleep anymore when I go out again.

“Hi, babe.”

“Where are we? How do I get home?” I pretend I don’t see how horny he is.

“I’ll order you a cab.”

A few moments later, leaving, I ask him, “We didn’t do more than kiss, did we?”

“No, we didn’t. Unfortunately. I’m not the kind of guy who would take advantage of a girl in your state.”

“That didn’t stop you from pushing your tongue into my throat,” I hiss.

“Well, can’t say I regret that one,” he says with a grin. I’m seeing red.

“I’d like to ask you to keep this between us.”

“Of course. As you wish.”

Luckily, the cab is here. It’s ten in the morning when I reach Connor’s store. What am I supposed to tell him? I knock and ask the manager to call him.

Ve emerges. He looks… disappointed? I don’t blame him.

“Abigail, you’re back? Where the hell have you been?”

I have no idea what to tell him and how to behave, so I do the only thing that comes to my mind—I pretend I don’t know what his deal is. I learned from the best, after all.

“I need the car. I came for the keys.”

“Can you even drive?”

“Get me the goddamned keys, Connor!”

He vanishes inside and returns a moment later, handing me the keys and going back to work without another word. I stand frozen for a moment longer, wondering if I should drive. I conclude that it’s going to be okay. I get in the car and take off.

At home, I walk Lola and feed her, and jump straight into bed. Luckily, this is my day off. Before I fall asleep, I reflect that the thing between Connor and I has died of natural causes. There’s no telling if he’s even interested in me anymore. Or does he just keep it down, because he can’t communicate like a normal person?

We spend the holidays at my parents’ place. I’m struggling the entire time. I don’t know what I want. I’m so lost. Larry told me he’s in love with me. I tried pushing that away, but I really do like his company. I crave more of it. He’s treating me like a princess. Adores me. Meanwhile, Connor acts despicably. He called me a plank in bed again when he was trying to fuck me. And maybe he was right. I don’t know how to deal with his indifference. I keep thinking what that bitch is doing with him. What else could she be up to? Since he watched porn, maybe she managed to convince him to let her give him a blowjob. If it’s nothing to him that she touched him at work, who knows what else she did and where else she touched him? The thought of it hits me like a punch. The anger that overwhelms me burns away any guilt I had after the disastrous company Christmas party.

For many days, I’ve been desperately seeking acceptance and appreciation. In such extreme situations, I can’t control myself. I need closeness so much. I crave the feeling that someone wants me and values me. It pushes me into the clutches of hell, sets the wheels of a vicious cycle in motion. Every moment with Larry makes me feel loved again. Maybe my body subconsciously locks up at Ve’s touch. I don’t know. I don’t care anymore. I love him, but I’m tired. I want peace. This is tearing me apart. We oscillate between extremes—either attracting each other in a million ways or repelling just as intensely. In any case, I’m starting to feel bad about myself. I’m not the same as I was with him at the beginning. Once, his presence made me shine brighter than ever before. Now, it feels like he’s deliberately extinguishing that glow. I need a break because my mind is a mess. Besides, I cheated on him by kissing Larry. No matter how drunk I was, I shouldn’t have done that. I kissed Craig too. Damn it, I’m a walking disaster. Flawed, messed-up Gail. I killed this relationship. His indifference pushed me into the arms of another. I have to end this.

“Ve, listen, I need to talk to you.” I know that what I’m about to do will end in one of two ways: either it does nothing to him or it kills him outright. But I feel so bad that I need some time alone.

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“We should spend some time apart.”

A look of surprise appears on his face.

“What are you saying?”

“I mean, we should live separately.”

“Do you want to break up?”

“I want a break.”

I see him clutching at his heart. His jaw clenches rapidly. He’s angry.

“So, it’s true?”

“What’s true?” I ask, surprised.

“You’re fucking Larry?”

“No, Ve, I’m not fucking Larry or anyone else. That includes you, in case you haven’t noticed. But I’m struggling. I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t want to lie to you. But it’s not okay between us. For a while now, my every attempt to talk to you has ended in failure. I just need a moment to sort out my emotions and feelings.”

Connor gets up and paces around the room, nervously clenching his fists.

“Feelings? So, you love him?” he bursts out, and his voice sounds like a growl of a wild beast. “How much? How much time do you need?”

“I don’t know the answer to that question. But I know I need it.”

“Who the hell are you, Gail? How could you take me away from home and do something so despicable? How am I supposed to sit here calmly now? If you wanted to break up, you could have told me before we left!” He’s practically shouting now. He sits heavily on the bed.

I realize I played it badly. I acted out of selfish motives. First, I didn’t want to be here alone. Second, I didn’t know how he’d react and worried that he’d go out and do something stupid. Here I can at least have him under control. Ironically, this time my parents haven’t made a scene, allowing us to sleep together. And precisely now, each of us dreams of being as far away from each other as possible.

“I’m sorry.” I sit next to him on the bed, resigned. “Can I sleep here, or should I make a scene and go downstairs?”

“Stay. I need a smoke.”

“Want me to come with you? Or do you prefer to be alone?”

“Whatever,” he snaps, and I grow sad.

When we return, I set up the bed. Ve lies down next to me, and it’s strange. I don’t know what to do. The bed is so small that it’s hard for us to keep our distance. I see how it affects him. I feel like he wanted it to happen too, at least some part of him did, but now, after it’s done, everything scares him. It’s always like that between us. I get up, unable to deal with myself. I go to the window and gaze at the stars. Ve sits up and moves to the edge of the bed.

“What now, Abbs?” he asks, his voice breaking. My heart reacts involuntarily, a lump forming in my throat.

I turn around and shift closer, and he wraps his arms around my waist, burying his head in my stomach. I climb on top. With my knees on both sides of his waist, I wrap my arms around his neck. Our lips are drawn together. I grab his hair, slipping my fingers through it. Since he’s let it grow, he looks even better. Now it’s sticking out in all directions. A moan escapes from his throat. Our tongues find each other in their tender dance.

“Don’t you love me?” His question knocks me to the ground. I plunge into the abyss.

“Ve,” I say, stroking his cheek with the tips of my fingers, “I love you more than anything in the world. But I can’t do it anymore. Your indifference is killing me. I can’t go on like this.”

Ve brings my head closer and immerses himself in me with his lips. His hands begin to wander slowly over my body.

“We’re breaking up, so why are we doing this?” I ask.

“Make love to me. I need it,” he replies in a barely audible voice, reminiscent of a dog’s whine.

I say nothing to that, letting myself be carried away. Ve lies on the bed and pulls me toward him. His hands slowly slide over my body in a way that leads me to the brink of madness. He grabs the edges of my blouse with his fingers, lifting it, simultaneously caressing my delicate skin, causing my body to be covered in goosebumps. His lips leave wet traces on every inch of my body. My nipples perk up invitingly. He takes them into his mouth and gently pulls. His hands clasp onto my breasts. He blows on them and kisses alternately. His tongue now moves along my body. As he reaches my panties, Ve takes the strings in his hands and pulls, freeing me. He looks at me for a moment and runs his tongue over my pubic mound. Currents run through my body. My clitoris throbs in anticipation of his touch. When his tongue touches it, I arch, curling my toes. I breathe loudly, trying to catch my breath. Sparks burn my skin. I’m losing my senses. He’s licking me in and out, inserting two fingers inside, using his thumb to rub at my back entrance. All this time, he does not break the caress with his tongue. I fall apart. The orgasm overwhelms me, and I start screaming. Ve covers my mouth with one hand. I can’t control myself—this one is so strong and intense that my nails leave marks on the sweaty skin of his back. I can’t see, only feel his knee spreading my legs, and then his body pressing itself to mine. Then, ever so delicately, like it’s our first time, he enters me. His fingers lace with mine as he kisses me tenderly, and his manhood penetrates deep inside me, moving steadily. I thrust out my hips, wanting him to pick up the pace, but he doesn’t do it. He’s celebrating each thrust, and I reach the stars when yet another orgasm overwhelms my body and mind. I can’t move. His penis stretches me from the inside, throbbing and flooding me with his warm fluid, pouring into me endlessly. He pushes in deep, all the way to the balls. Ve finishes inside me, intensely. It lasts for ages. It’s the first time he’s done that. I wonder if my pills will be enough, silently hoping they will. A thought crosses my mind: did he do it intentionally?

It was more erotic than our typical screwing. We collapse beside each other. I put on a T-shirt, and we lie down, covering our bodies with a blanket. I feel the semen leaking between my legs, but I don’t have the strength to get up. Ve places his arm under my head, and I snuggle into him, listening to the rhythm of his heart.

“I love you, Abbs.” He leaves a kiss on my forehead.

“I love you too, Ve. It doesn’t change a thing, though. I know you’ll become absent again. I need to be alone.”

“I’ll give you that time. But remember: it will work against us.”

I say nothing to that. I simply fall asleep. Why did I make love to him? Who can tell… I’m fucked up. It’s worse now, and more difficult to wrap my head around everything, but if I don’t give myself that time, sooner or later it’ll end badly.