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Abby

I’ve been having weird cravings since yesterday. I need sauerkraut now. It’s probably my period coming.

“I’m going to the store, Dad. Want something?”

“No. What are you buying?” he asks, puzzled, as he bought groceries a day before.

“I feel like having some sauerkraut,” I reply, nonplussed. Dad’s face twists in an expression of confusion. Then he pales, like he saw a ghost. The fuck is his deal?

“You’re pregnant!” he hisses. It’s like slap to the face. How did he come up with that idea? We’ve been careful. No. That’s impossible.

“What are you talking about? I’m going to have my period any day now. I always eat sweet, bitter, and salty stuff when it comes. Why would that spell pregnancy all of a sudden?”

“Those cravings of yours are strange, that’s all,” he mutters, piping down.

“They’re normal. Nothing out of the ordinary.” I leave, unable to bear the thickening atmosphere.

Outside, I decide to go visit Grandma. She’s preparing dinner. There are sour pickled cucumbers already on the table, so I grab a few. I’m chewing the last one when she sends me an unusual look.

“You’re pregnant.” This isn’t a question. What is everyone on about today?

“You’re paranoid, Grandma. Why would you say that?”

“You ate all my pickles.”

“Yeah, sorry. They were very good. I couldn’t help myself. What’s this have to do with anything?”

“Cravings like that usually mean you’re pregnant.”

“Grandma, you really don’t have to be alarmed. It’s just those days. I’m not fucking pregnant. Why won’t all of you just give me a break?” I practically scream, jumping to my feet and rushing out.

I’m not in the mood for sauerkraut anymore. I stride along the alleyways between the buildings and stumble into Ve. I tell him about the paranoid behavior of my family. I can see fear in his widening eyes.

“What’s the matter, Ve? Just don’t tell me you’re with them.”

“You think we might have…?” He takes my hand, and we head towards his place.

“What? Got preg?” I take a moment to consider the absurd notion.

What would that mean for me, exactly? No, that’s too fucked up. I don’t even like kids. They stress me out with their unpredictability, always paralyzing me with indecision. I don’t want kids and don’t know if I’ll ever change my mind. Not likely. I know, I’m a weird girl. A freak. But that’s just who I am. I don’t like any form of being deprived of liberty. Maybe I used to be bullied in my last life. I can’t say I know where that comes from—that rebellious spirit and the need for unbound freedom. I’m a nonconformist, and that’s that. I don’t dream of weddings or having children. The only thing that does occupy my mind is to be free, to feel alive, and have someone who would share in my happiness.

“I think that’s impossible. I’ll explain it to you too then. You don’t know me that well, it seems. I’ve always had those cravings a couple of days before my period. End of story.”

“Alright, you know best.”

Of course I do. I would feel it if a new life were being created inside me. I would know the specific moment it happened. I can always perfectly identify the signals my body is sending me. Nobody will ever tell me otherwise.

“Want to come in for some tea or something?” Ve asks meekly when we reach his block.

“Are you alone?”

“I don’t know. Let’s find out.”

“Where were you going, by the way?”

“I was throwing out the trash.”

He puts the key in the lock, visibly relieved that the door is locked, which means the apartment is empty. We go in and look around.

“Well, looks like we’re in luck. Can’t say for how long, though. Mom was still home when I went out.”

I finally have an opportunity to take a better look at his place. There are a couple of rooms, a balcony, and a separate kitchen. Plus two bathrooms. The flat seems larger than mine. It’s on the ground floor, though, so no view from the balcony. I feel good here, which doesn’t happen too often in places I don’t really know. Even his parents seem to like me.

Ve hugs me closely, runs a finger along my lips, and bites my lower lip, pulling gently. I press my mouth to his and push my tongue out. He joins in the kiss instantly. It’s blissful. Our hands feel our bodies, never sated.

“Do your parents accept me, Ve?” I ask, breaking the kisses he’s planting on every inch of my bare shoulder.

“You kidding?” He looks at me with an unidentifiable expression. “They love you. Don’t you feel it?”

“I haven’t really thought about it before. But yeah, I can see they have no negative feelings towards me.”

I’m sitting on the bed and watching the endless blue sky. Lucius and my parents went to see my aunt. Nothing beautiful lasts forever. A call from Ivy suddenly sours my fantastic mood.

“I don’t want to rattle your cage, but Shawna’s been telling everybody what a great massage Ve gave her. I just thought you should know, so you can talk it over with you know who.”

I can feel a wave of anger rising in me.

“That little bitch! I’ll give her a massage! And I’ll talk it out with Ve. Thanks, Ivy.”

I need to drop something off at my cousin’s and check what time school starts on my way. When I’m done with that, I come right back home. I can see Ve out the window of the bus. He’s so beautiful in that polo shirt and baggy trousers. He’s leaning on a low wall, smoking. Now we’ll chat, darling, I think, though the sight of him dulls my determination for a moment.

I step out of the bus and pass him by, pretending not to see him.

“Hey! What’s wrong, babe?” he calls.

I pause, turn my head, and ask, “Have something to tell me?”

“Not sure… why?” He seems totally disoriented.

“Maybe you can explain to me why the fuck that little shit keeps talking about the great massage you gave her?!”

“What? Who said that?”

“Shawna!” She’s a girl from my brother’s class, but she tends to keep older boys company.

“I can explain.”

“I’m waiting.”

“Nothing of the sort happened. We were at Kellan’s yesterday, and she was running on about some shit. I grabbed her by the shoulders and gave her a shake. She got it in her head that this was supposed to mean something.”

What can I do but believe him? Maybe I’m naive, but maybe he is telling the truth. Guess I’ll never know. Sadly, it’s a fact that I’m just madly in love with this boy. He’s become something of a drug to me. I need him to live. It’s a bit worrying, to be honest. He might hurt me any time. I don’t think I could survive that.

“What exactly were you doing there, Ve? At Kellan’s?”

“I told you. We were watching movies. He has a great projector, and we sometimes go there to watch flicks. It feels like going to a cinema.”

The thought that she’s been there too makes me see red.

“What was she doing there? Why didn’t you take me?”

“I didn’t think of that. I had no idea there were going to be chicks. Usually, it’s just the guys. Sometimes Kellan’s sister drops by too.”

“So what was Shawna doing there?” I keep prodding.

“I think she’s fooling around with Kellan. Or at least trying to. Don’t know. I didn’t pay attention.”

He takes my hand and sets off. When he’s at my side, and we’re strolling among rustling trees, the warm sun caressing my skin, I forget about my anger. Ve is the antidote to all the evil of this world. Even that which he’s the source of. A paradox if ever there was one. We sit down on the hill, basking in the rays of the setting sun.

“It’s so fucked up,” I confess. “It’s great, but there’s always something that makes us fight.”

“Why is that?” he asks.

“I’d like to know the answer…”

It’s getting dark. The sun is slowly hiding behind the horizon. Ve proposes that we go back. He walks me to my house, leaves a soft kiss on my lips, and I hug him, breathing in his scent, satiating my need for the time being. I go inside feeling blissful, but my joy is quickly erased by Dad’s booming yell.

“What time do you call this, young lady?”

I’m immediately pulled down to earth.

“How should I know? Nine twenty or something. What of it?” I’m playing stupid.

“You were supposed to be back at nine. What the hell are you thinking, you brat? What’s going on with you? I’ll ground you next time!”

“Oh, don’t kick up a fuss about it, Dad. It’s barely after nine and I’m seventeen!”

“Don’t you talk back to me!”

“Good night, Dad,” I snap bitterly and lock myself in my room.

I can hear him grumbling and lighting a cigarette on the balcony. Interesting. When they were in Daisy Valley, they didn’t call me even once during the vacation. No checking up on me, no asking what I was doing or if I even was alive. The only time they did call me was on my birthday. Now they suddenly remember they have a daughter. Ridiculous.

The sound of an incoming text breaks my train of thought. It’s Ve.

I love you. Sleep well, kitty cat.

It warms my heart.

I shower quickly, prepare my outfit for school, cuddle up in bed, and drift away.