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Abby

It’s eight o’clock when I stop at Ve’s place. His dad opens the door.

“Good morning. I’m sorry for coming so early. Is Connor home?”

A moment later, Ve emerges from his room, still sleepy.

“Abigail, are you out of your fucking mind coming here this early?”

What a nice way to say hello, I think.

“We need to talk. You weren’t able to yesterday,” I hiss. He probably doesn’t remember much of yesterday. “Put something on. We’re going to talk right now. I’m pissed.”

“Me too. But can’t we deal with this later?”

“Want me to leave?”

“No. Or go, if you like,” he replies numbly.

“I don’t want to. I’m here to talk. We need to get this over with.”

He agrees, but only reluctantly. He goes to his room for a while, leaving me in the corridor, returning fully clothed. We go to my place and sit down. I break the silence: “Do you want to be with me?”

“I’ve been thinking about it,” he replies. I’m out of breath. I didn’t expect this answer. I don’t know how to react. I keep silent, waiting for the worst. “Do you know what I did yesterday?” he continues.

“When? Before or after groping that whore?”

“Stop it. She got under my skin so I squeezed her a bit to piss her off.”

“Do you have any inkling that she could have treated it like consent? No. You’d never realize that. You were stoned out of your mind. I’m not sure if you were even there!”

“I know full well what I did. I don’t care what she thinks. Besides, she got scared after what you did. It was pretty funny. You’re a lot shorter than she is. But she froze and then fucked off home. And the slap I got from you sobered me up.”

“I’m sorry for that.” I drop my head. I really do regret that. I wasn’t in control then, but I know it’s no excuse.

“Don’t apologize. I deserved it.”

“So, what were you doing yesterday?”

“I went home and was looking for your photos all night. Couldn’t find the album.”

“Why would you do that, Ve?”

“Because I wanted to look at you.” His words are disarming. I’d like to hug him, but I won’t. We need to have this cleared right now.

“Listen, you really piss me off at times,” he continues. “You tear into me for no reason. It’s awful. It triggers my flight instincts.”

“I never do that on purpose. It’s just who I am,” I bite back.

“If that’s the case, we shouldn’t be together. You make me break bad. I want to smoke and go back to my old habits.”

“And you won’t return to them without me? What’s your problem, Ve? You’re just going to give up? Don’t look for excuses and don’t try to blame me for your own bad decisions and your own return to addiction. You’re an adult. I didn’t put that pipe in your mouth! I should have dumped you a hundred times by now, but I’m here, fighting for us. I don’t want us to break up. I can work on my reactions, but I need to know if you’ll try to be more understanding, stop calling me crazy when I’m on my period, and comparing me to other people. I can’t stand that. If not, if you’re going to do things or behave like yesterday, there really isn’t any sense in continuing this relationship.”

I’m trying to act tough, but my hands are shaking so bad, it’s difficult to hide it. Waiting for his response, I feel like I’m standing on the edge of an abyss, ready to take the plunge. It’s too much. Tears roll down my cheeks.

“Hey, why are you crying?” He pulls me in for a hug, embracing me like a little child, waiting for me to calm down. “I want to try too,” he says finally, and I feel a weight fall off my shoulders.

“I’m happy we cleared this up. But I don’t like that you smoke.”

“It was a one-time thing. It won’t happen again. I think I did that to keep myself from thinking. That whole Roger situation messed with my head.”

“You really want to go back to that?”

“No. That’s behind us.”

“And you’ll let him off?”

“Yeah…”

“That didn’t sound too convincing. But I’d like you to give him a break. You have to know one thing. Nobody will ever compare to you, understand? Nobody. It doesn’t matter what he offers, what he looks like. Compared to you, he’s got no chance. What I feel for you cannot compare to anything else. And that won’t change. If for some reason we ever split up, nobody will ever be able to replace you. It’s just not possible.”

“I feel the same about you,” he says and kisses me on the brow. He stands up. “I have to go home, get my shit in order.”

“Okay. I’m off to volleyball practice anyway. One last training session before Tuesday’s competition. See you in the afternoon?”

“Yeah, why don’t you come over after practice?”

“Will you be home?”

“I will. Catch you later, Abby.” He presses his lips to mine. A blaze fills my body when our tongues twist in their dance. We pull away, trying to catch our breath.

“That’s what I was talking about. Nobody can equal that. Only you have that power.” I prop one hand on the wall and put the other on my chest, trying to still my heart.

“I’m yours forever, kitty cat.”

He leaves, and I’m finally at peace. I’m so glad I went to him. I’m also a bit surprised that he grasped what I wanted to say.

Practice is great. The coach heaps praise on me. I drive spikes, jumping high despite my short stature. I play hard, far, and never miss. I’m no good at blocking, but everything else is a piece of cake. I adore volleyball, just like my grandma. She used to play back in the day. And she used to be good, despite being even shorter than I am.

Just like we agreed, I go to Ve’s right after practice. He’s waiting for me. He throws on a jacket, and we go back to my place. I take a quick shower while he sits on the toilet and talks about his day.

“Dad said you’ve actually got me back on track. You’re good for me.”

“What? Why did he say that?”

“Don’t know. Maybe it’s about your morning visit and the fact that when I got back, I helped my folks clean up the mess. I even went to buy groceries for Mom.”

“Nice one!” I chuckle.

“No, but seriously, that’s what I think too.”

I glance at him.

“You think that?”

“Yeah. I want to be better, and that’s thanks to you. I didn’t use to care about anything. I respected nothing and no one. Your approach, the way you fight for me, makes me want to change something in my life. I’m still not sure what I did to deserve you.”

“Wow, that’s sweet. But there’s no answer to that last one. We just met at the right time. It’s what was supposed to happen. You’re the only person in the world that loves me for who I am. Fully. And you accept me. You embraced and kissed all my self-consciousness and turned all my faults into advantages. You changed my life as much as I changed yours, if not more. You have no idea. It’s a turning point for me. You made me regain my self-confidence, believe that I’m worth something, that I can be loved, appreciated, and just adored. That someone may want to spend time with me and be happy to see me. I should ask you what I did to deserve you.”

I step out of the shower, and Ve passes me a towel. I wrap myself in it, and he pulls me closer and sits me in his lap.

I wrap my arms around him and press my lips to his.

“Want to go to Myro today? He’s throwing a movie night. Vicky is going to be there,” he offers.

“Oh, I didn’t know about that. Let me just get dressed.”

I get nervous again when we’re there. I asked Ve to quit smoking, but Myro’s brother-in-law—pretty tipsy by that time—produces a pack of cigarettes and offers one to Connor.

“Take it. You don’t smoke, you’re a loser.”

I step in boldly and warn Ve, “You take it, you lose points with me.”

He doesn’t seem to care. He takes a cigarette and lights it up. Great, I think. I don’t speak to him anymore, only try to get to the bottom of how his psyche functions. Why did he do that? He didn’t want to be seen as a pussy, I guess. He ignores what I tell him, because he knows he’s going to get me to forgive him anyway? I say nothing, just ponder that issue. But it does make me sad. He could just say that he didn’t care what a random guy thought about him, as long as he lived his own way. One can hope…

We’re back around midnight. I didn’t speak about what happened for the entire evening. Now, I go straight to sleep.