Page 48

Abby

Everything is fine between me and Ve. We don’t argue anymore. I crave every minute spent in his company. I think he feels the same. However, my parents have gone completely mad in the meantime. To refrain from speaking too harshly—I’m fucked. I’ve never argued this much with them before. I used to treat Mom as my best friend. Now she’s unbearable. I don’t recognize her. Until now, I felt she was the only person in the world who could count on my full, one hundred percent love. All the others were lower in the rankings. Now it has all come tumbling down. She seems to have a bone to pick with me over everything and anything. Sometimes I think this can’t be happening for real. That I’m standing aside, watching it all from a distance.

“I’ve spent enough on you already! Start learning on your own! I’m buying you tutors and trips, and your grades are sorely lacking. I need to focus on Daddy and Lucius now. And myself. Meanwhile, you, young lady, will need to study harder!”

I didn’t comment, just left. Fucking hell… What’s got her so bent out of shape? I can’t say. Why would she suddenly start talking about money? I never wanted anything from her. And the math tutor? Don’t need him either. It was my parents who got it into their heads that I should get more lessons in mathematics. My cousins got them, and then their parents told mine that their teacher is the best. Who the heck cares? They have no time for me. They never did. They know nothing about me! If they only made some effort, they’d know I’m very talented and need no help. They want me to study more? Let them pay if they don’t have faith in their own child.

Truth be told, my entire life I’ve been on my own. They were never there. I only remember Grandma and Grandpa from my childhood. Since my brother was born, he was the apple of their eye. I never cared too much, but the older I got, the more burdened I felt. I would be punished for being more intelligent and smarter than anyone thought. I’m starting to feel like the outcast here. It’s always: she’s so ungrateful, so boneheaded. For them, the perfect solution would be to keep me at home at all times—studying, cleaning, and cooking. Not going to happen! I hate preparing food. It’s a fucking waste of time. Food can disappear from my life, for all I care. I also fail to understand their nagging when it comes to cleaning the house. I like cleaning, it relaxes me, but it would be enough if everyone here respected the effort of others and cared for the cleanliness of the flat on a daily basis. That way we wouldn’t have to lose half the weekend cleaning. It’s bullshit.

When they want something, I’m an adult. When I want something, I’m a kid and should keep my mouth shut. Where’s the logic in that? I can’t go to the club, can’t get back home after nine, or ten sometimes, depending on their mood. What are they so afraid of? If something is going to happen, it’s going to happen, even in the middle of the day. Or maybe they’re afraid I’m doing stuff they don’t want me to do. Really? I don’t need the night to do all the stuff I’m not supposed to.

I’m torn between my folks’ satisfaction and fulfilment of my own needs. It’s draining mentally. They bring up everything I’ve ever told them, trusting they’d understand. But that’s over. They will never learn anything more from me. I will not allow anyone to use my weaknesses against me. Never ever!

One thing is for sure—those vacations were the most beautiful time in my life. I liked to spend each day with such passion and cheer. To have Ve close, make love, hug, take baths together, go to sleep, and wake up in each other’s arms. I love him. He’s everything to me. My best friend, defender, lover. I love that he’s always on my side, even when he’s angry with me. I treat him the same way. Even when he hurts me, if someone tried to hurt him , I’d rip that someone to pieces with my bare hands. Like a lioness protecting her cubs. In his company, I always recharge my batteries. We can stay silent, laugh, fool around. It doesn’t matter. What counts is that we do it together.

I’m distant throughout the private lesson. It’s hard to stay present. My mind wanders. My Ve is waiting for me already. It’s great that he always comes to pick me up after those classes now. Six o’clock comes. I stuff my things in my backpack, say a polite goodbye, thank the tutor, throw on my jacket, and zoom downstairs. I’m grinning as soon as I see him.

“You’re here!” I cry.

“I am, just like we agreed.”

I rush towards him and throw my arms around his neck. He lifts me up gently and kisses me tenderly.

“Shall we take the bus or walk?”

“Let’s ride. I don’t like this part of town. Especially after dark.”

“Right,” he agrees. “What did you learn today?”

“I can’t remember a thing.”

“Why is that?”

“I was thinking about you,” I admit. “But I’ve done my homework, so I’ll get an A for being active and it’ll be cool.”

“Smart little fox.”

“That’s right.” I laugh. “How was your day?”

I wonder if he even went to school. His approach to studying worries me. You need to be resourceful, smart, and intelligent, and you get that by studying. But sometimes it’s easier in life when you finish at least high school. The mentality in this country is what it is. I don’t like that, but I see how people with vocational education are treated, how they’re looked down on. I just don’t get it. Everyone is valuable. We all fight our demons every day, and everyone should get a fair chance or at least a glimmer of hope.

“I sat with Paul. Dad had stuff to deal with,” he says.

So no, he wasn’t at school again.

“But you do have a plan, Ve, don’t you? You’re not going to repeat the year?”

“Of course not. I always have a plan. The finals will be the hardest.”

“Don’t you worry about those yet. We’ll manage,” I say and hug his arm harder.

When we reach Infinity Estate, it’s nearly seven. We spend a minute or two by the building. I lean on the railing and recall that day after we had our hot chat online. We were in the same spot. That’s where we kissed for the first time.

“What are you thinking?”

“Do you remember our first kiss?”

“Yes. It was right here.”

He shifts closer, taking up all the space around me. The same as that first time.

“What did you feel that day?” I ask, suddenly realizing we’ve never talked about this.

“I was already crazy about you. Actually, I wanted you to be mine from the time you didn’t let me kiss you after our first date. It impressed me! You became a challenge. I never believed I’d be able to accomplish it. Until that moment. After our kiss, I became obsessed with you. I was turned on the most by your extremes. You’re so shy and bold at the same time.”

“Want to know my secret?” I don’t wait for him to answer. “I gained my confidence with you. I don’t know how or why, but I trusted you since we met. I knew you wouldn’t hurt me. The image you were constructing at that time said something to the contrary, but I trusted my feeling. Besides, I never felt vibrations like yours before.”

“It was the same for me. I loved you a lot earlier than I admitted, even to myself. When I think about it, I loved you from the very first moment I saw you. I feel the taste of life with you. I started really breathing only when I met you. I’ve never felt so alive before. Before you, I just existed. With you, each beat of my heart makes sense. You breathed life into each cell of my body. You awakened my soul. With you I can discover myself again. Meeting you was like a breath of fresh air.”

“I feel exactly the same. I hope it will stay like that forever.”

“Me too.” Ve kisses me on the brow and hugs me.

Our hearts beat as one. Our souls are magically linked, as if they’ve known each other forever. We’re one being in two bodies. We had to meet to feel that. I still think we just needed to find each other.