Page 49

Abby

We’ve been together nearly six months. I’m still working on how to celebrate the occasion. I have a plan. I’d like to prepare us dinner with candles, wine, and dessert. I just need my parents to go to Daisy Valley and Grandma to stay at her place. I can’t get the thought of our special night out of my head. I can imagine it with specifics.

The sound of the doorbell yanks me back to reality. It’s Ivy and Nikki. I didn’t expect them.

“Hi, what’s up? What happened?”

They have worried expressions. Ivy breaks the silence.

“I didn’t want to worry you, but you really should know. Ve isn’t going to tell you.”

My legs quiver, and my heart picks up its pace. I’m out of breath. Whenever I’m overcome by stress, I always feel like that. I can’t breathe.

“Let’s go to the balcony,” Ivy suggests. I can’t stand the pressure.

“Nikki? Ivy? What’s the matter? What should I know about?” I ask with concern.

As soon as the words leave my mouth, I can feel my stomach cramp, pushing my last meal up to my throat.

“Ve went to the party of a guy from school and kissed Elsa…” Nikki trails off.

Ivy picks up: “It’s not everything, Abbs… Listen, he’s going around and telling everyone he only wanted to screw you. That you were just a fling…”

I’m about to throw up. I light another cigarette. My whole world is crumbling down. Tears streak down my cheeks. My throat constricts. I push the cigarette into Nikki’s hand and rush to the bathroom.

I throw up. It takes me a long while. My friends show up at the door, bending over me with concern. I flush the toilet, get up, and brush my teeth.

“I’m so sorry.” Nikki gives me a great big hug. “We thought you should know.”

“Don’t apologize.” I can barely speak. “It’s not you who should say sorry. Just… tell me what to do. And where did you hear all this?”

“Elsa told me herself,” Nikki says. I glance from her to Ivy.

“People talk…” she says. “You know I have friends in a couple places… You should press him on it!”

“That’s what I think too,” Nikki agrees. “When will you meet?”

“Today, I think.”

“Okay. Will you be alright? Call me if things get difficult. We’ll be around.”

“Thanks.” I embrace them both. “By the way, I told you I didn’t trust that bitch, Elsa. I knew she’d do something like that.”

“I’m so sorry about her…”

“Don’t be. She doesn’t regret a thing. I bet she’s happy as a clam now.”

I’m going to play it by my rules. I’m still nauseous, my heart is pounding, and I have difficulty breathing. Breaths come in and out of my lungs fast and shallow. I’m trying to calm down when there’s a knock on the door. It’s Ve.

“Hey, kitty cat.” He kisses me on the cheek. A shiver runs down my spine. One I’m not familiar with. I let him in.

“Hello, Connor.”

“Connor?” He gives me a surprised look. “Is everything okay?” he asks. I can’t tell him the truth.

“Yes, it’s okay. Why do you ask?”

“You have such sad eyes.”

“They’re the mirror of the soul,” I say and fix him with a long stare, piercing deep inside him. Then, I avert my eyes.

He raises my chin with a finger, making me look at him again. His closeness is paralyzing. He smells so good. I want him. Yeah, I’m weird. I’m not going to get involved in a conversation about the inevitable so soon. I decide to take his mind off me, or rather my mood. And since we’re alone, I take this opportunity to kneel down and unzip his pants. Christ, the way he makes me feel! I’m going out of my mind when I can’t have him whenever I want. Besides the knowledge that I turn him on so much, the look in his eyes when I blow him is so satisfying. I need to lose myself in this to push away the difficult thoughts.

My euphoria doesn’t last. This time I don’t find any strength from our closeness. It’s strangely repellent. I have images of him kissing that bitch flying in front of my eyes. She did what she set out to do. I can’t do it! Fuck, I’m going to throw up again! I pull away and stand up.

“What’s up? Why did you stop?” he asks.

I need to know the truth. I need to hear it from him.

“There is something…”

“I knew it! What happened?”

“Is it true you went to the party of a guy from school? Did you intend to tell me about it? About kissing Elsa?”

His face crumples in an expression of total shock.

“Uh, what? That’s not true!”

“Stop fucking lying to me, Ve! You should know that I already knew the truth when I asked the question! I just wanted you to have the courage and dignity to admit it!” Now I’m shouting.

A silence falls over us. I’m wondering if I really want to hear this.

“Okay, yeah. It’s the truth,” he says.

I break into a million pieces. Tears are rolling down my face. I need to sit down.

“Why? Fuck, why?! Why did you go there? Why didn’t I know? You kick up a row when I go to the house of someone we both know with my friends, and you just fucking go to the house of some guy—I have no idea who he is—and you kiss a bitch I hate! That’s crossing the line! How could you?! How could you fuck this up so bad?! And now you’re telling everyone you meet you only wanted to fuck me? Do you have the slightest idea how that makes me feel? I hate you!”

“It’s not like that, Abbs.”

“No? Then tell me, Connor! Tell me what it’s like! Why do you keep lying to me? You really think that when you don’t tell me something, it doesn’t count as lying? I can’t tell you what to do, but for God’s sake, I’d love to learn about shit like this from you, not other people. I fucking knew it! I fucking knew you’d destroy me! That you’d do something that would kill me! I knew my feelings for you were too strong. You have too much power over me. It’s too dangerous!”

I can’t breathe again. I stumble to the balcony, lean against the railing, and try to catch some air. Ve follows me and takes a seat on the bench.

“Listen, Abbs. At first, this was all about a bet. That was the plan. People told me you were a slut, and I wanted to check for myself. But then, with every day, every moment we spent together, my plans and feelings for you changed. Suddenly I wanted to protect you from everything. You became everything to me. I fell madly in love with you. My mission was to beat up anyone who would even say something bad about you. I’ve told you this so many times now.”

He draws closer.

“Elsa surprised me. I pushed her away instantly. I told her what a bitch she is. I don’t know what shit she’s talking now, but I have nothing to do with it. She’d like it if I had. But when it comes to lying, I just… forgot. Something came up.”

“You forget too often,” I snap. “Try to reverse the situation. Imagine how you’d feel if I did something like that. Would you feel good?”

“I suppose not.”

“There you go. Now think about that the next time you decide to forget to tell me something. Now leave me alone. Or go to that slut! I don’t give a damn! I can’t even look at you now!”

“I’m sorry, Abby. Don’t say that. You don’t think that way…”

“I’m not going to listen to this!” I cut him off. “You keep apologizing! Maybe it would be better if you thought for a change how you’d feel in my place! Go away, Connor!”

I pass him by, stomping back inside. He grabs my wrist.

“No, Abbs! I’m not fucking leaving!”

He tries pulling me in for a hug, but I shove him away. He looks puzzled, then desperate.

“Just go!” I yell, tears still streaming from my eyes.

He fixes me with a last look, kisses my hand, and gets up.

“I love you, Abigail!” he says and leaves.

I’m left alone, staring at the wall, thinking about what he told me. I knew from Nikki and Ivy, but a part of me still counted on this turning out to be a lie. I appreciate that he owned up to what he did. But this can’t keep happening! Connor and his damned double standards! Fucking hell, why is he allowed everything while I can’t do anything? What the fuck is that supposed to be? And why does he keep lying to me?

I’m going back to the balcony. It’s my favorite place in this flat. I light a cigarette, sitting on the bench. The view is so soothing. I love the way it calms me. I pull my legs up, wrap my head around my knees, and perch my chin on them.

Sometime later, the cigarette slips from my fingers. I only took one drag. Good. I don’t know why I smoke this shit. I’m okay now. If I don’t finish this right now, I’ll get too deep to get out. This is for the best.

I call Ivy. She picks up at once.

“How are things, Abbs?”

“You around?”

“Yeah. Give us three minutes.”

“Okay. I’ll come down. I need a walk anyway.”

They’re waiting for me downstairs, fixing me with attentive stares. Nikki speaks first.

“Well? What did he say? Tell us!”

“He said it was true,” I reply sadly, fighting not to cry.

“Oh, god damn it!” Nikki hugs me.

“What a prick,” Ivy comments. “Unbelievable.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“Let’s go to the park. We’ll walk and talk.”

I tell them everything on the way. They both agree that I should dump him, though they know it won’t be easy.

“I feel the same. I don’t want to see him again. Really, something snapped inside me. First that kid, now Elsa. It’s sick. He’s always going somewhere, not telling me a thing…”

Memories race through my head, snippets, hundreds of moments when I had that strange feeling that Ve’s hiding something from me. Christ, what now? My friends keep silent. I’m grateful to them for that. They’re sweet. When we’re back by my building, I give them a hug and go upstairs. The unpleasant thoughts are back as soon as I’m alone. Maybe that bet is still on? Maybe he told them he dumped me, that he fucked me and that’s it? That’s why he always slips away and arrives late. He’s living a double life… It’s not that I don’t believe him when he says his feelings are true. I do. I can feel that. But there’s something wrong. Or maybe it’s always been wrong. Maybe in the beginning I wasn’t alert enough. Maybe he just wrapped me around his finger. I’m pretty prone to that. When I trust someone, I trust them all the way. Sadly, people use that, and I always lose out for being too naive. I hadn’t thought it would be the same with Connor.

He was everything to me. I don’t know how badly he would have to piss me off for me to lie to him. To do something against him. Maybe it was a mistake to measure him according to my standards. I was naive to think he wouldn’t lie to me. The thing between us is a bit like dancing. It’s good, and then the next moment he does something stupid and it’s bad. I get offended and he tries his best for a while, then we get back to square one. That can’t be healthy. Maybe he’s not the one for me after all. We’ll grow apart and everyone will be better off. His buddies will be happy they got him back, and my parents will finally have their problem out of the way. We’ll finally stop pushing and pulling. I don’t get it. This is changing me. I’m beginning to feel lost in my own emotions. I’m drowning in the ocean of thought and extreme feelings. I’m not sure who I am anymore. One thing is for certain—it’s so strong, I’m really worried it’s going to consume me, devour me, grind me up, and spit me out, leaving nothing.